Is my husband gay?

I mean, has he always been so reluctant to share his feelings with you? And also the sex? Are these relatively new developments or have they been present throughout your marriage?

 

He could be gay, but he might just be a somewhat distant person who's afraid of intimacy. Honestly I'm not sure which of those sounds like worse news.

 

This could be relevant.

When I was still with my gf, I would kiss her, be affectionate, everything, but when it came to sex, I was very reserved. At first it was because I was really nervous about being naked in the first place (I am circumcised, and it's extremely rare where I live, so I was always super nervous when I was naked around others, you know how evil kids can be to different people). I got over that soon enough, but still, my penis is not very sensitive because of the circumcision being done unprofessionally. And during sex, physically, I don't feel much. At first, I was able to get over it, just please my GF orally and bang her for a while, I was glad to make her happy. But after months and months of this, I got very tired and stressed about it, as I couldn't find a way to fix it. So I started refusing sex. First, I started refusing oral, because I feel literally nothing while receiving it. And just like you say, my GF was very confused and stressed by this, she also thought "Do I do it wrong? Am I not pretty enough?". I really wanted to go on, but in the end I had to break up with her, mostly because of this and for another, unrelated reason. Because I didn't want to torture her with my own problems.

Maybe something similar could be going on in his mind too, after all, you said he got himself viagra, which he refuses to use. My GF also often suggested buying pills or lubes and stuff to make it work better, but I always refused because I considered it "weak", I wanted to have sex like all my friends in my young age do, without "help".

Try to tell him that you love him and that he can tell you anything, and whether he feels there is something wrong in his / your sexual life.

 

There's always the chance that he's getting it elsewhere and so doesn't "need it" from you. This would also certainly cause him to be distant emotionally. Speaking from experience.

 

Soo cute, thanks for posting.

I can't speak for CyclingFan but is your husbands recent behavior a departure from the past or has he always been somewhat distant but now more so?

Was he warm and affectionate and then gradually it led to now? Or was it a somewhat abrupt change that you can look back on and see now? I'm not meaning to grill you and I'm sorry if it sounds that way. In my humble opinion I believe this is about him, not you. I realize this doesn't make it hurt any less but I believe you are trying to love and support him but he's seemingly fighting you at every turn.

I agree with CyclingFan as to your husbands possible guilt/shame as I've been there and acted much the same way your husband is now. I hurt my wife deeply as she felt it was something lacking in her.

I want to encourage you to embrace CyclingFan's suggestion about counseling for yourself. It will help to talk to someone who's there for you and your emotional well being. Take care.

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. I would echo the suggestion that you get help for you. It is clear that you're not happy in your current relationship, and your husband is making absolutely no effort to make the situation any better. You can't change him - so you might have to change you, and your situation.

I'm curious too though - you must have married him for a reason. You must have sensed that he loved you at some point, didn't you? Has sex with him always been this unsatisfying for you?

I'm not sure it matters whether or not he's gay. Whatever the reason, he isn't holding up his end of the bargain in your relationship, and you may need to decide how much longer you're willing to put up with this before you decide to make some decisions unilaterally.

I was married for 9 years, and for most of that time the sex with my wife was fine. I think she felt very satisfied. Me not so much in hindsight. And towards the end of our relationship I started to cheat with other men - something I'm ashamed of an regret. But even then I was able to keep up the facade until towards the end of our marriage. So even if he was gay he wouldn't necessarily behave this way.

I do wish you all the best though. You're struggling, and you need help. Find a counsellor who you can meet with and talk to. Share everything with them - don't hold back - as they can help put things in perspective and help you come to conclusions of your own.

 

One thing I'd like to point out is that based on your responses the causes for this situation could be a whole list of things. We've all hypothesized he could be gay or questioning, but everything from maybe he's stressed, maybe he's cheating, maybe he's not into you, maybe it's hormones or something medical could be the cause. We've literately listed out the world of what it could be, and without more information we're just guessing at this point.

You NEED to talk to him. He HAS to tell you what's going on. Even if he isn't sure himself, he NEEDS to tell you that. If this is different than how he was when you got married, you BOTH need to find out what changed. It is far better than this alternative of coming up with these crazy hypotheticals (cheating, stress, gay, disinterest, abducted by aliens, self-conscious, how he is, etc).

If he is unwilling to do something medically about it (doctor), or do something mentally about it (therapy), or come to an acceptable solution with you, then you have no choice but to do what you can to resolve this, at least from your end. Go to therapy, find someone you trust, and spill this all to them. Get it all out, clear your head, and start sorting through these emotions. At some point, you'll probably have to come back to him with some ultimatum or firmness. As things are now, he will lose you either emotionally or literally if something does not change.

 

Sorry to bring back an old thread, but I really want to know how your husband acts outside of his sexual attraction (or lack thereof) to you and your sexual habits.

Is he a happy person? Is he friendly to other people, but not to you? What gender makes up the majority of his friends? Does he communicate deeply with anyone?

These might lead to a better idea if he's struggling with his sexuality, or perhaps he's suffering from depression. In either regard, my advice would be to take an empathetic approach and start with having him make an appointment with his doctor to talk about options, being psychotherapy and/or medication. If he's depressed he might need both; if he's struggling with his sexuality and it's manifesting itself in a way that is affecting his marriage, he could use the experienced and non-judgemental ear from a professional.

I feel there might be more to this story. Coming to a forum about emptyclosets seems like a knee-jerk reaction when there doesn't seem to be any concrete evidence of a same-sex attraction by your husband outside of lack of sex drive and intimacy.

 

I wouldn't rush to the conclusion that he is gay, though I agree that it's possible. But either way it sounds like both of you really need to address the situation. Have you thought of therapy or is that just not an option? I definitely agree you should get therapy for yourself.

(My straight ex-husband didn't want blowjobs either, and didn't want to give me oral. It wasn't the exact same situation as he did want sex but he was very hung up about it.)

(I didn't realize this was an old thread when I posted. Still, those are my feelings on the situation even if they're of no use anymore.)

 

I will just share my thoughts as someone whose wife is married to gay man who is not out. :icon_bigg The one thing that is a big red flag to me is the homophobia. My own personal prejudice is that I think that the most homophobic men are the ones who are themselves gay. I think they feel that if they can "control" it, the rest of us should too. But there is some personal prejudice or baggage there, so... And one red flag, or even one rainbow flag, does not a gay man make. The fact that he initiates sex, even clumsily and insensitively, suggests that he might not be gay. Bi is always an option, but if he doesn't give indications of attraction to me, it is hard to call that one. So what do you know he is? Well, you know that he is insensitive, and when you have sex with him it is like he is masturbating in your vagina. Pretty tough, and I'm sorry that you have to go through that, with all the feelings of rejection that it brings along. If he acts like you're disgusting, it's not long until you start feeling like that yourself, about yourself, if your not careful.
So what to do? Couples counseling, with both joint and individual sessions, would really seem to be desperately needed. He might not be ready to get honest with a therapist, and that would be an obstacle. But if he doesn't go to it with you, you will continue to have a pretty miserable and unfulfilling life. If he is gay, that would explain his not being all that attracted to you. But it would also be explained by childhood trauma, or by having seen his mother sleeping with the milkman when he was a kid, or by feeling that all sex is dirty and hating his own sexuality (whether it is bi or straight), or a whole slew of other things. The only things that you can be sure of is that it won't get better on its own, and that counseling will help. Even if he isn't willing to enter into it with his whole heart, it will help YOU figure out what to do with your life. Our thoughts are with you. (&&&)

 

I feel so sorry about you after reading your story. I hope this forum can ease you pain and you will be able to seek help. No wonder you are feeling unhappy and miserable, but I don´t understand why you assume him being gay? Has he lead you somehow to believe that he could be gay or said something or have you noticed him watching other men in public...or what?

Men, whether his straight or gay, tend to "roll" pictures or movies in their heads so to speak, imagine things while their are fucking someone, so if you like to know his sexual fantasies you should just ask him what they are. If he thinks about men while fucking you, yes, then he is gay.

But I really don´t think he is 100% gay, because he still wants to have intercourse with you. If he were gay, he couldn´t do that. He could be bi, I suppose. That would explain it why he still can fuck you without feelings whatsoever. This is my conclusion as a gay man.

Could it be, that he is religious? His actions are because of that, not because of his sexuality, have you thought about that? Do you dare to ask him directly ? So, he is straight, but because of his possible religious background he is feeling dirty and sinful about sex?

And do you still love him ? You want to stay with him ? Is he a good man overall?

Have strength (*hug*)

 

Good day Cute. I hate to say it out loud but maybe He really is out of love with you. If a person is putty their beloved through any type of mental or physical misery the love is not there! So sorry to have to say it!

 

This is an old thread. OP hasn't been on here since the day after she posted this. I guess we will never know...

 

Uugghhh. Guess it worked out one way or another .....for the. Best.

 

My husband came out as bi 4 months after we got married and now considers himself homoflexible. He could be gay. What you are talking about sounds like my marriage. Here are other signs.

1. Suddenly changes his clothing. Wears thongs when he used to wear boxers. Shirt and tie instead of T-Shirt.
2. Changes in grooming. Shaving body hair especially legs or " down there " Using aftershave when he didn't before.
3. Taking sudden interest in a TV show or movie series. My husband watching cooking shows with a certain male chef all day long but never cooks anything. He will also watch Project Runway with me if he finds any of the male contestants attractive.
4. Taking trips or going places with a male friend that don't make sense. Such as fishing or hunting trip where nothing is ever caught.

 

I don't think that your husband is gay, because if that was the case he wouldn't initiate the sex, he would be unwilling to perform oral sex on you (big indicator of gayness!), probably he would also suffer from certain forms of sexual dysfunctions (erectile dysfunction, premature or delayed ejaculation). But it is quite possible that he's bisexual, perhaps more leaning on the gay side of sexual orientation spectrum. I totally agree with some other forum members that his rabid homophobia is a redflag. I suggest that you confont him about the state of your sexual/emotional relationship (his sexual orientation included).

 

Definitely the best thing to do is just ask him flat out if he is gay. Sometimes it's just easier to give an honest answer to a yes/no question.

 

Asking is great, but I would also like to ask that you also sound calm and persuasive when you talk to him about sensitive subjects. You should set a mood for a confrontational conversation like a dinner before a conversation or a quiet place for a conversation. You need the mood to be mellow to talk about sex and sexuality; such topics are very intimately sensative, and most time its taboo to talk about them in conversation, so if you ease things into position and hopefully no argument will break out then you can get him to be more open about his situation. If an argument does begin then stay calm and look kindly at him and ask him to please be civil.

Diplomacy the art of how to open ones mouth,
-E