Proportion of women and men you find attractive

You sound exactly like me (though in reverse, I've worried that I repressed attraction to men because I have realized I repressed attraction to women so long, it's like, what else is my brain hiding from me?!)

I've kind of realized that the constant "testing" if I respond to men or women is getting old and is probably not healthy, I keep coming out with the same result. Occasionally there might be a slight feeling for a guy, but it's absolutely *nothing* compared to what I feel for women. At this point I feel like I am attracted to women and not so much attracted to men, though I am trying to remain open if some guy comes into my life and sweeps me off my feet, so to speak. It's just a heck of a lot more likely at this point that that "guy" will instead be a girl.

I mentioned my repression fear to my friend, and he said it's of course possible, but if I am only just feeling these feelings now, when I started to let myself have them for women, and I'm still not having them for men, it seems fairly unlikely. There are so many things now that have started to make sense and "click" for me like they never had before. Simple things that other people take for granted. The idea, for example, of people loving each other and throwing themselves at each other physically when they know it's a bad idea has just NEVER made sense to me until now. The fact that so many married couples have *zero* objectively in common, yet get on perfectly well and are so happy together. Things like that totally eluded me. As did the actual feeling of sexual attraction. I realize now that I had to play along a lot when it came to picking guys to "like" and celebrities to fawn after. The feelings I thought I had in common with everyone else were not in reality what they were experiencing, what they experienced was much more. Does any of that resonate with you?

 

I typically like more androgynous people, not very masculine guys or very feminine girls. I think I kind if do have a type, but I will be attracted to people outside of that if I like their personality.

 

When you say you "came out to yourself" do you mean you acknowledged you were not straight? Or did you decide you were gay, then start questioning after that?

But, I know what you mean. I keep getting hung up on it, it feels surreal. I know I've not been attracted to men in the past. Now I realize I'm attracted to women. But my brain keeps saying "what, nope, you're not gay, stop trying to convince yourself of that." Maybe it's because I spent so long trying to "prove" to myself and others I wasn't gay, I effectively brainwashed myself :eusa_doh: .

I know exactly what you mean and I have the same problem. I guess maybe try to remember that even if you identify as gay if some woman comes into your life who totally turns your world upside down you don't have to ignore that! A label is for communication's sake but people are complex and so is sexuality in many cases. This is something I've been trying to remind myself, as well. I was told I have been trying to "pick a label and force myself to fit it" and I think that was unfortunately an accurate assessment and I'm trying to let go of that mentality now still. For me, "gay" may not mean exactly the same thing as it does for someone else, and likely that's the case for everyone. I have small attractions to men sometimes and can admire them romantically, but I don't want to sleep with them. Some lesbians have no attractions to men at all. Some are sexually attracted but don't want relationships with them. The same goes for gay men regarding women, too.

I've both desired and tried to have romantic relationships with guys, but in retrospect even some of the things I thought were romantic I just didn't feel for them. No physical attraction, and there was never that *need* to be with them all the time that people always seem to have, despite the fact that I loved the guy.

So are you saying that you've felt attraction to guys for some time but just denied it?

I think that's a great way to think about it, and talking about this with you has helped me some, too, so thank you as well!

 

I can find men attractive, but not enough to want a relationship with them. I would find more men attractive in a room than women, but if I was attracted to a woman the attraction would be far stronger than that with a man. The women I have found attractive in the past, I have been attracted to everything about them. I also find myself more attracted to them if they are openly lesbian/bisexual. With men, I may just like their face or body, and if I liked one thing I wouldn't then suddenly like everything.

 

With men, I can find them attractive if they are objectively hot but I always thought it was normal because of our cultures focus on the physical beauty of women to just think women were more attractive in general. But like... Here's an example with celebrities. I think Kristen schaal is sexy as hell... I would never think of a dude celebrity that goofy and weird in sexual way but on her it totally delights me. The difference I see is that I can intellectually find both sexes attractive but it's women that I stare at and find something cute about a little belly or a big nose, frizzy hair, or a slight gap in the teeth. Not just tolerating it but actively find it adorable.

 

Sounds like a very classic example of overthinking, then! (Of which I am also profoundly guilty). What prompted you to have that initial "Wow, I'm gay" realization?

You sound so much like me. I also thought I must be a "late bloomer" and when I still hadn't "bloomed" so to speak into my late twenties I thought I may just be asexual, or attributed my lack of sexual desire to my other mental health issues. Yet when I actually allow myself to think about it I had crushes on girls as early as 11 or 12 :icon_redf . Of course I had no idea it was a crush at that age, but if I think about how I behaved it certainly was one! Same goes for a crush in Jr. High/High School on a friend, though at the time I did consider I might be crushing on her I pushed that thought way way down.

I understand what you mean when you say you repressed but didn't realize it, as I did the same. One of the first things I realized when I started questioning is that I was constantly "correcting" myself when I'd find my attention wandering to attractive women around me. "No, that's not who you're supposed to look at, that's a girl!" Additionally I kind of "trained" myself to pick out hot guys. Not that I don't enjoy a good looking gentleman of course, but it's just not so often or immediate as the draw to women seems to be.

 

Guys I have no problem feeling romantic and physical attraction, but sexual comes after a while. Sexual attraction seems a bit easier with me with girls, but it would still need a bit more emotional bonding for it to be full on for me. Physical attraction is definitely very easy for me for girls; romantic attraction comes and goes. Bisexuality is a little complicated like that It changes all the time, but this is the general pattern

 

I would say I find somewhere between 3-4% of women attractive, I can't really describe what type of girl I like though. As for men I find about 1% attractive. I see a lot of people at my job, and I can only remember being attracted to two guys, but I don't remember any of the women. One was a tall older (late 20s) hipstery guy with glasses, a trimmed beard and mustache and a nostril ring, and one was, strangely, a very average looking tan guy of indeterminate race and he had a lip ring. Honestly when I saw the last guy, that was the only time I have ever felt anything like a "gaydar"; I just knew he was gay, and I'm almost certain he knew I liked men as well when our eyes met. That guy stands out in particular and I can't stop thinking about him. I usually find "twink"-ish guys attractive mostly with some exceptions.