Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been on this site, because I've been super busy, but also because everything's been going well for me gender-wise until recently. I've felt I was beautiful, and that it didn't matter that I can wear things like leggings and woman's bathing suits. Until a few days ago, I've been very comfortable with who I am, and my appearance. But for the past few days, I've been on vacation in California with my family. Well, I'm from Michigan, and so when I went to Venice beach, I was surprised about how many summer dress and bikini shops there were everywhere... And I realized that these were things I wanted to wear, but I knew people would call me a freak or something if I tried wearing any of it. The confidence I've built up after almost a year was destroyed in a thirty minute walk down Venice beach. Ever since then, I've felt helplessly ugly, and not even my friends who I've come out to have been able to help me get out of this bad dysphoria funk. My family noticed how much I hated Venice, and that I've been in a funk. They've been pressuring me to tell them why, but I know that's a bad idea. My family knows about my gender, but they don't approve of it at all. They even tried to send me to a mental hospital once, but only stopped when the doctors said they don't admit patients based on soley gender dysphoria. But anyway, if I told them, they would yell at me that I ruined their vacation or something. But now I don't feel beautiful at all. I don't think there's anything I can do about it. I feel like I just want to go through horomones and SRS right now, even though I'm not sure I'm ready. I wanted to wait until after high school at least. But I don't know at this point. Plus, it's only a matter of time before my mom forces me to tell her what's up, and then all havoc will break loose. I don't know if anyone can help me feel less like trash right now. I guess I needed a place to let it out. But if anyone does know how to help this, I would really appreciate a reply. Thank you for reading this. And if you leave a reply, I thank you in advance.
I read your response. I'm so sorry. I absolutely understand about not feeling beautiful, I've never had much confidence in my appearance. I hope you feel better soon. (*hug*)
Thank you. (*hug*) I'm so sorry you have confidence problems too. Nobody should have to go through this..
I'm sorry about that. I admit that FTMs can get away with much more than MTFs. If you have a sister, maybe you could try wearing her dresses (only in your room or bathroom, of course)? Or you could have a friend you're out to buy you a dress and you can dress up when your parents aren't home? For some, this increases the dysphoria, and for some, it lessens it. If it lessens it for you, maybe you could try something like that? You're almost out of high school, too, so you'll also have a lot more freedom after you graduate, leave home, etc.
Aw that really sucks. I hope you feel better soon. Just remember that you can still be beautiful even if you don't look like what society tells you you should. I hope you get your confidence back!
I really want to thank everyone that took the time to read this, especially those that replied. This kind of felt like dropping a message in a bottle into the middle of the ocean when I first made this thread, so I'm so thankful for all the support. (*hug*) I really wish I could say that it helped me feel 100% again, but seeing all this support put a big smile on my face. As for crossdressing, I tried it once, but it did not end well when I got too confident and tried leggings... but it's been a while, so I might try on some dresses when I get home.
You could just enjoy the atmosphere... the beach, nice people... you will reach your goals in time, it takes time... and its no use to just see the goal. Enjoy yourself a bit along the way. Others have done this, too. You might collect some information and think about what you would want and what would make you feel comfortable. You might go to a gender therapist or to someone from an lgbt center. Don't feel pressured by someone to do something, its your decision... There are tutorials on crossdressing including bikinis, if you want to look that up.
It's not crossdressing if you're a girl there sister. And until just this week I've never shaved my legs. I always wore leggings... which are awesome. Just not in summer. But I laughed like the little school girl who was inside me but never could come out when I shaved my legs. Felt so giddy. So happy. It was cathartic. Take your time. Do what makes you feel good.
Have held off on that. Suspect it will feel almost too good. I shaved my chest/stomach and was surprised at how much better I felt. Hadn't done it in a while...
I didn't until now because I wasn't out to my friends I lived with and then I went home to live with parents for summer when school was out. Now that I'm back living with friends that was literally the first thing I did.
