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let me inside the head of the married closeted gay man!! ?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by offmychest, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    for you guys that are married or were married and seemed to have the perfect life on the outside, i want to know what was really going through your head. i know many of you probably knew you were gay or wasn't sure or was in denial. on the outside you were smiling with your wife and looking like the perfect family man and on the inside i want to know what was going through your head. please answer the following questions. it will help me not feel alone. when i see married guys or guys with girlfriends and they look so happy and perfect together and i'm alone and seemingly can't find/meet anyone gay i can relate to, well, it would be happy to know what you were thinking during these times....

    1. when you saw a guy you liked, what was going on in your head?
    2. if you say a guy you liked, did you ever initiate conversation with him?
    3. if a guy initiated conversation with you and you suspected he was gay or interested in you, how would they make you feel?
    4. if you stared at guys without ever approaching them, why did you do this since you know you were never going to say anything to them?
    5. when you were thinking about guys, were your thoughts on some romantic situation/relationship with him/them or did you just want to screw?
    6. if you saw a guy when you were with your wife or with your kids and you thought he was hot, what did you do? did you ignore him or look at him/stare/cruise him?
    7. did men ever out themselves to you in an effort to get you to out yourself back since they were interested in you? if so, what did you say/do? did they ever ask if you were gay?
     
  2. allnewtome

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    1: I actively fantasized but was wrapped in denial. I'd meet someone think about them when I was alone endlessly but would keep myself very busy to keep the fantasy at bay.

    2: no but there was a nervousness. I met/talked to new people all day every day but if it was someone I found attract the nerves kicked in and the approach was much more timid.

    3: to be honest for the most part at first nervous/uneasy until their was a rapport built.

    4: I'm sure I did it but it would've been getting caught up in my own thoughts. An awful lot of time was spent living in my head.

    5: more sexual at first but eventually both.

    6: couldn't help but notice but likely tried to hard to not make it seem like I did.

    7: nope
     
  3. Pete1970

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    1) what it would be like to be with him

    2) not until recently, now yes

    3) never really felt that he would be interested in me that way

    4) i guess they were just nice to look at

    5) mainly romantic, sometimes sexual

    6) discretly look, there is a bartender at a restaurant we go to that i only talk to him when my wife goes to the bathroom or if i go be myself

    7) never happened
     
  4. quietman702

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    1 I wanted him in the worst way, I would try to subtly make eye contact without the family seeing, or if alone it would be more obvious.
    2 Yes I would find a way to start a conversation but I was so uptight I probably screwed it up.
    3 If he made the first move it made me feel great, and actually feel worth. Sometimes I feel if my hair were on fire no one would notice so this is the opposit.
    4 I stared any way because I wanted to.
    5 I did think about romance but didn't think it would happen so focused on sex.
    6 I'd look and if possible cruise him.
    7 Yes they did but I held fast to the lie no matter what.
     
  5. Spaceman

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    You're welcome to visit inside my head, but it's not somewhere you'd want to stay too long :slight_smile:

    I couldn't help but notice guys when out with the wife and kids. If she ever caught me staring, she never said anything about it. Mostly the fantasies were sexual, but I was committed to the marriage and in denial about being gay so it never went any further than stolen glances.

    Things have changed since I came out to myself and then to her. I was just on a beach vacation and felt much more free to stare at the eye candy...and there was a lot of it.

    Of course there's still the risk of a straight guy getting freaked out if he notices you're looking, but that's nothing compared to the fear of getting caught by your wife. Nice not to have that worry anymore.
     
  6. Choirboy

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    Well technically I'm still married, although I have a boyfriend and she knows about him. But here you go....

    1. If I saw a guy I liked, it was utter panic. What if he sees I like him? Am I too obvious? What if HE came on to ME? What the hell would I do?
    2. I would have been too petrified to start any conversation.
    3. If a potentially gay guy started talking to me and seemed interested, I would have felt flattered (I weighed over 300 back then and my self-esteem was at its lowest), but also embarrassed and afraid.
    4. I stared (well rather took occasional cautious glances) more to wish than anything else.
    5. A little of both. Sex, yeah, but really more affection and love and romance.
    6. I did my best to ignore. And to be honest, up until recently it wasn't all that difficult because of the fear and self-image.
    7. No one ever outed themselves to me. I was shy and withdrawn, didn't say much of anything, and was generally unapproachable.

    It's very different now that I'm out to her, of course. Now I stare and chat, and while I'm still somewhat shy and awkward, I've lost over 100 lbs and feel much more confident and even (sometimes!) attractive.

    The facade is just that. It's a fake display that looks like something pretty, but there's nothing behind it but empty space. When I wasn't completely down on myself and creating a protective wall of excess weight around myself, I was stressed and unhappy and afraid. And yet people thought we were perfect for each other based on what they saw. I can't speak for other closeted gay guys (and it's possible not all of them have the issues I did), but I'm guessing there's a whole lot of shame and fear and low self-esteem keeping them there. It was definitely the case for me.
     
  7. skiff

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    I always simply sought love. I thought I had it, a 15 year relationship and he left choosing his closet over me. I could not find a gay relationship and naively sought one with a woman. Kids kept me married... They are adults now...


    1. when you saw a guy you liked, what was going on in your head?

    Don't look, be on alert, don't seem interested.

    2. if you say a guy you liked, did you ever initiate conversation with him?

    No.

    3. if a guy initiated conversation with you and you suspected he was gay or interested in you, how would they make you feel?

    Trapped.

    4. if you stared at guys without ever approaching them, why did you do this since you know you were never going to say anything to them?

    Never stared at guys.

    5. when you were thinking about guys, were your thoughts on some romantic situation/relationship with him/them or did you just want to screw?

    Yes romantic, still do.

    6. if you saw a guy when you were with your wife or with your kids and you thought he was hot, what did you do? did you ignore him or look at him/stare/cruise him?

    Ignore him. Sex is easy to do without. Doing without a fulfilling relationship is difficult.

    7. did men ever out themselves to you in an effort to get you to out yourself back since they were interested in you? if so, what did you say/do? did they ever ask if you were gay?

    Once. I ignored it.
     
  8. LOSTONE10

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    My ex always knew I was interested physically in men. I never hid that from her. I told her from the very start and she was okay with it as long as it never lead into me sleeping around or cheating. It never had. In this aspect, I have to give her credit for her ability and kindness of understanding. Plus, she seem to enjoy adding the subject into our personal adult life which was actually fun between us. We did not end our marriage over my sexual identity matters, but over her being an angry person out of control.

    As to your questions... ( and I’m not going to lie or sugar coat my answers )

    Q1. when you saw a guy you liked, what was going on in your head?
    A1. I was thinking what would it be like to have wild sex with him? What would that feel like from him and if he would be interested in a bi 3some with my wife and me?

    Q2. if you say a guy you liked, did you ever initiate conversation with him?
    A2. No. From whet I come from and lived, gay was not okay. You could guarantee to get a hostile reaction for even going there, much less trying to bring it forth in conversation.

    Q3. if a guy initiated conversation with you and you suspected he was gay or interested in you, how would they make you feel?
    A3. That depends if he was physically and personality attractive. If he would of been, I would want to have sex with him ( providing I informed my wife and got her permission first. This is a must. ). If he was not attractive, I would of just change the subject or ended the conversation with him.

    Q4. if you stared at guys without ever approaching them, why did you do this since you know you were never going to say anything to them?
    A4. It’s physical and psychological human nature to stare at what you are attracted to even if you where not going to get it. Like looking at the puppy in the window you knew you could not afford. You are still going to stare and enjoy looking at it.

    Q5. when you were thinking about guys, were your thoughts on some romantic situation/relationship with him/them or did you just want to screw?
    A5. Honestly, mine where mostly about having wild, unlimited sex with him with a few moments of romantic kissing and touching here and there. It was more about the sex than love.

    Q6. if you saw a guy when you were with your wife or with your kids and you thought he was hot, what did you do? did you ignore him or look at him/stare/cruise him?
    A6. I tried not to stare because it would be disrespectful to my wife and/or kids. They are with me so my focus should be and needs to be on them, not someone else unless there is a safety or hazard concern I needed to be paying attention to.

    Q7. did men ever out themselves to you in an effort to get you to out yourself back since they were interested in you? if so, what did you say/do? did they ever ask if you were gay?
    A7. One guy I knew was gay and he thought I was gay until he found out I was married. Then he assumed I was not gay and drifted away from me. I wished he would of asked me about my sexual identity and comforts. If he had, I would of wanted to have sex with him on the spot ( again, with my wife’s permission first. ) If my wife would of said yes, I would of had sex with him, but because of his assumptions, nothing ever happened. ( Damn! )
     
  9. Yossarian

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    1. That I liked the way he looked, not much more.
    2. Yes
    3. Interested
    4. I like looking at nice looking guys.
    5. Thinking about doing things that friends do together, not hooking up
    6. Look, but not stare
    7. Rarely; politely declined explaining I am married, but thanks for being honest with me; never had but one person ask outright if I am gay; some people figure it out from the context we are in, I presume, so they don't ask and therefore I don't tell; if they are openly gay and ask I would confirm; if not, its none of their business.
     
  10. BeingEarnest

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    1. when you saw a guy you liked, what was going on in your head?
    I like him.
    2. if you say a guy you liked, did you ever initiate conversation with him?
    Yes, but I didn't realize I liked them in that way. I was deep in the closet, and only had the sense of well being and happiness in their presence.
    3. if a guy initiated conversation with you and you suspected he was gay or interested in you, how would they make you feel? I had no gaydar. I just felt good being around them.
    4. if you stared at guys without ever approaching them, why did you do this since you know you were never going to say anything to them? I did not stare. In fact, I was more likely not to look- because I was afraid of my feelings.
    5. when you were thinking about guys, were your thoughts on some romantic situation/relationship with him/them or did you just want to screw? In dreams, romantic. As i started to come out to myself, romantic and sexual thoughts.
    6. if you saw a guy when you were with your wife or with your kids and you thought he was hot, what did you do? did you ignore him or look at him/stare/cruise him? Before, i didn't look. Now that I know, and my wife knows, I look. :slight_smile:
    7. did men ever out themselves to you in an effort to get you to out yourself back since they were interested in you? if so, what did you say/do? did they ever ask if you were gay?
    Nope.

    If you are trying to get into the heads of married men in the closet- are you asking the right questions? I can't speak for all, but there is a real difference between being unaware of sexuality, and becoming aware. When I was unaware, I was doing everything in my ability to make my marriage work, and generally feeling like a failure. Even though we looked perfect in the outside, it did not match my insides. Finally the gap between perception and reality became too painful, which helped me to look at myself with a greater level of honesty. Today, while I am still married, I am much more in tune with my natural rhythms and I am happy to be seeing in a new way. Before ,I would not look, now- I do, a lot. But the strange thing about it is feeling like I am living in two different worlds. The hetero life I have known all my life (but never quite felt right in) and the gay life that I am just beginning to embrace and explore. I still bounce back and forth. And so, my reaction, or action on a given day may be pop orating out of one sphere or the other.
     
    #10 BeingEarnest, Aug 20, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2014
  11. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    thanks guys this was very helpfull because it helps me see that many of these guys that i think are gay or that seem gay to me may be going through the things you mentioned above and just can't admit to theirselves or are not ready to face the facts they like guys. i am not interested in married men but straight guys with a girlfriend are just the same i guess. anyway, what this shows me and hopefully others is that being with someone that is not ready to admit feelings to themselves is a struggle and probably best not to pursue.
     
  12. Tracker57

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    I'm gay and I've been married to the same woman for 33 years. She's been my best friend since our freshman year of college. I understand your feeling alone. I do, too. Coming out to a bunch of friends I can trust really helps a lot. I like your questions.

    1. when you saw a guy you liked, what was going on in your head? I secretly hoped he was gay. If he wasn't, how could I get to spend time with him, especially in situations of close contact or intimacy: like camping or hiking together. Having lunch together. If there was a possibility of seeing him with less or no clothes.
    2. if you say a guy you liked, did you ever initiate conversation with him? If I could figure out an excuse to talk to him, yes.
    3. if a guy initiated conversation with you and you suspected he was gay or interested in you, how would they make you feel? Flattered. And I'd want to talk to him more.
    4. if you stared at guys without ever approaching them, why did you do this since you know you were never going to say anything to them?For the same reason straight guys can't keep their eyes off of a beautiful woman. There are some guys I have to really fight to NOT stare at them for fear of creeping them out.
    5. when you were thinking about guys, were your thoughts on some romantic situation/relationship with him/them or did you just want to screw? I wanted a relationship with them–the sex thing would just be a benefit.
    6. if you saw a guy when you were with your wife or with your kids and you thought he was hot, what did you do? did you ignore him or look at him/stare/cruise him? I would give him furtive glances and try not to be obvious. Or, if possible, I would position myself where I could look at him as though I were looking at something else. I'd still do this so that my wife wouldn't get jealous.
    7. did men ever out themselves to you in an effort to get you to out yourself back since they were interested in you? if so, what did you say/do? did they ever ask if you were gay? Unfortunately, no.

    Great questions!
     
    #12 Tracker57, Aug 21, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2014
  13. adrum

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    Thank you BeingEarnest, very well said. This is just how I feel. I have begun to bounce back less than I did at first... Pretty convinced that I am gay, and the old life of striving to be a successful heterosexual married man is becoming more and more difficult to stomach with each passing day.

    To the OP, I'd say that you're probably right in not wanting to have a relationship with a married man... We are a complicated mess... But what they really need are some friends who they can open up to.