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Not finding men my age attractive

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Electra, Aug 18, 2014.

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  1. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    I agree with Lex.

    Just wish I had come out earlier as finding that "love" at 56 there are simple number limitations. Guys with relationship skills are already in them.

    Tom
     
    #21 skiff, Aug 20, 2014
  2. Electra

    Electra
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    WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! I have posted quite a few messages on EC over the last few years, asking for advice, posing questions about coming out late in life etc.. This is the one that has generated the most incredible replies. Obviously touched on a central issue for many of us.

    Thank you, thank you to all of you for the frank and honest words and self-generated discussions that followed. I had forgotten I had posted my message and haven't looked at EC since, so when I logged on just now it was so great to read all your posts.

    And how do I feel about what you've variously written?

    Well I guess, as is usually the case when we ask advice, we already know the answer (deep down in our hearts).
    Yep I find younger guys attractive and for whatever reason that is I am not going to fight it. Seeing a good looking young man and admiring him physically is something to celebrate. It is a reminder I AM GAY and thats great!
    But of course relationships are about so much more than lust. May be i could meet a younger man and have a relationship with him. He would need to be older than his years emotionally and socially though. May be I will meet a man more my age and either find him immediately attractive (just because i normally don't doesn't mean I cannot!) or just get to know him as a friend and the attraction will grow. May be I could even meet a guy older than me. All I can do is make friends first and let whatever happens happens. My self-imposed barriers or types or ages.. Its about the soul not the body..

    It is sad that some gay men turn into creepy sexual predators and that some just get overwhelmed with shallow, addictive side of gay sex. I am not going to be either of those types. I am a thoughtful, intelligent, questioning man. I respect myself too much.

    In my limited forays into the gay world (in the UK) since I came out 3 years ago, I have actually met lots of gay men who are well balanced, in stable relationships or single and questioning the whole 'gay scene' as they age. I have met others who are happy to enjoy sex with men and would not call that shallow but liberated. They are honest about this and are still lovely guys (its just not for me to join them in their 'fun').

    LGBT have a lot of shit to deal with and so judging each other is not going help. Humans first and gay second!

    Feeling better and inspired and clearer. Thank you all again, you wonderful, 'gentle'men!
     
    #22 Electra, Aug 21, 2014
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    @ogs: Unfortunately, my data sample is pretty large (if completely uncontrolled and not necessarily representative.)

    It comes from multiple sources: discussions with many gay guys in their teens and early 20s, observations of behaviors at a local hot springs I visit, spending time with a lot of older gay men in various settings, professional and otherwise, and talking with counselors and therapists.

    Unfortunately, it seems that a *lot* of gay men in their 40ss and beyond are obsessed with, hit on, and/or are creepy toward younger men. Here at EC, in an unscientific sample of people that have talked to me about various issues, I think that just about every single guy I've spoken with who is under 30 has been repeatedly hit on, usually in a creepy or obsessive way, by much older men. In fact, several have told me that in their participation in another online forum focused on gay men, nearly every PM they've received (something like 47 out of 50) have been from men twice their age or more, generally hinting around looking for sex.

    And the data set includes people living in different areas all over the country.

    This is not an isolated situation involving one guy. It's a pretty systemic issue.

    Now, this doesn't' help the OP, and my intent is not to bash on the OP for having these feelings. At the same time, the message I hear over and over from young people is that they find they pretty much can't even smile or be nice in any way to older guys, lest they be obsessively followed/hit on/creeped at by them. It's really sad, and it does make it hard for the (two out of 1000?) older men who aren't like that.

    It is also true that relationships with more than a 5 or 10 year age gap, particularly when the younger person is under 27 or so, are nearly always unhealthy. Yes, there are some guys that like older guys, but much of the time it isn't in a healthy way. And the issues of imbalance of power, control, not to mention the generational differences, usually cause some pretty severe problems that are all but impossible to overcome if the relationship is to be truly helpful.

    At least in my experience, when I do see the relationships that "work" with these sorts of age differences, they are generally not healthy. They may function, but in a dysfunctional way. Maybe that's OK, but I feel like everyone is entitled to be in a relationship that is healthy for him or her.
     
    #23 Chip, Aug 21, 2014
  4. Richie.

    Richie.
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    On the flip side, I'm attracted to older guys.
     
    #24 Richie., Aug 21, 2014
  5. MassiveExtract

    MassiveExtract
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    This is common when coming out at a later stage in your life. But in my opinion, other then feeling sexually attracted to younger people, you'll notice that the age difference is going to be a huge factor in your relationship from an emotional standpoint.
     
    #25 MassiveExtract, Aug 21, 2014
  6. imekon

    imekon
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    I'm seeing a guy who is three weeks older than me. We're both 54, and met when we were 42. I'd given up hope of meeting anyone at that point... thinking I was way past it and nobody would be interested.

    Except of course someone the same age as me. We found we'd almost met each other once or twice when we were younger, we're in similar industries and there's a lot of overlap.

    And some huge differences. :badgrin:
     
    #26 imekon, Aug 22, 2014
  7. skiff

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    Chip

    I am 56 and went to a pot luck Meetup group. It was advertised as a mixed group age wise. I was greeted by walkers, canes, hearing aids, all men in their 70's and beyond. Being youngest guy in the room i was center of attention. It was creepy.

    This persisted until an elderly man came with. 40 year old on his elbow. He had flown in his date from ireland. After 15 minutes the younger guy caught my eye from across the room with a "help me" expression on his face.

    I was glad to leave.

    Not all older guys are creepy... i know what it is like.

    I do believe it is generational and will disapper as today 20's age to seniors.

    Tom
     
    #27 skiff, Aug 22, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2014
  8. Jim1454

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    OP - I would say that this was my experience. I actually fell for a younger guy when I first came out, and it was a 'classic' kind of thing that Chip describes. He didn't have any money, I paid his rent one month... And then it sort of 'wore off' and I came to my senses and we went our separate ways.

    I met my husband in kind of a fluky way, and originally just set out to be friends and support for one another. But the relationship evolved and we fell in love, and it was incredibly powerful! Love like neither of us had ever felt before - and we'd been married to women for 9 and 13 years.

    Did I think he was gorgeous when I met him? Not really. Did he think that of me? I don't see how. But now I look at him, and he's one of the sexiest, most handsome guys I know.

    He and I both look at hot, fit guys in their 20s and find them sexy. They cast that kind of guy in porn for a reason - they're really nice to look at. But the relationship I have with my husband - who is 2 years older than I am - is as good as I could ever hope for it to be.

    As Chip (or Lex?) said - keep your options open. You never know where you might meet your match, and you don't know how old he's going to be.
     
    #28 Jim1454, Aug 22, 2014
  9. MassiveExtract

    MassiveExtract
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    Maybe it's because I came out at a young age, but I imagine that after I've had my fun at 50 I'd probably only want to date guys my age, but I understand yours reasons for being the opposite, however it's probably not going to be healthy for you so I suggest you go to a therapist that might help you through.
     
    #29 MassiveExtract, Aug 22, 2014
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