Dissosiative identity disorder? I know this will sound really weird. Really weird. But due to severe trauma in early childhood my mind kind of split and there is more than one concious being sharing this body. I know it sounds crazy but I have been talking about this to psychiatrists and I am functioning. We are functioning. So. I will just go away if this is too weird and you can't believe anything. We constantly live in a world that doesn't believe us. There is 4 main personalities. If you could call any of them like that. Our body is female. 2 of us are adult male. Two are female. One of the girls is a child and other is something we don't understand totally. I am confused and afraid of everything. The rest of this system is all fragmented. Feelings are fragmented. Sometimes I just get so afraid that I can't go out. Suddenly I feel all the fear was supposed to feel as a child and that's a lot. I can't feel much normally. Just confusion. The others rely on me. We can communicate. I handle the outside world as well as I can. Others couldn't handle it at all so I do as much as I can. I know if you just think this is nuts. I know. This is hard to believe. Is it right for me to change this body? The other functioning adult is male too but he is more androgynous. He would prefer to be in male body but he is really androgynous and doesn't care that much but he would prefer male body too. I am male and us changing our body feels like rats taking over the ship. The others are not even living in this world. They function differently. But they were here before I was. I feel they were the ones operating this thing before I came along and they were female. What should I do? Those female parts are sleeping mostly and there is only two males left. I usually say we just transition but I feel like we are going to Moria and about to disturb something. I can't live as a woman. Just can't. But what is happening? I am just admitting to myself what is happening.
Short answer: I used to believe I had DID, but I now accept that I have some form of BPD. (Hooray mood swings.) Long answer: I'll think about it and get back to you.
I too have DID, the little ones inside can be very confusing and especially when they feel or experience things in such a different way to whatever has been happening for the longest time. I can't answer your question but I wanted to share dissociation help from PODS with you incase you hadn't heard of them. They are uk based but answer e mails and have a phone line, perhaps they may be more helpful. I genuinely rate these people they have helped me such a lot and are just living their lives the same as the rest of us. If you have a feeling that your going to Moria make sure you take a fellowship with you and that you have someone strong to guide and be alongside you on your journey.(*hug*)
I've been screened and evaluated. I am waiting for the tests and evaluations to be scored. I'll know in another week or so.
I don't have it. To answer your other questions, though, I suppose you'd be comparable to a bigender or genderqueer person. You wouldn't be the first to transition despite not being fully one gender. To be honest, I had to make a similar decision, being genderqueer. In the end, if you think you're meant to live life as a man, if that's what will make you happiest, then it's the right choice to make. Of course, it's more complicated than that for you, given your DID, and honestly I'm not really in a position to relate to that. You've got a lot of thinking to do. But transition isn't out of the question.
I do not personally have DID but I have a close friend who does. She is MtF and chose to transition about a year ago. She doesn't talk about it much but from what I understand she waited until her DID was better under control before she transitioned even though she did know that she needed to transition for herself. The majority of her "people" as she called them were female but she did have one or two male people, one of whom could be violent which is part of why she waited to transition. My best advice is to consider how likely your female parts are to become more prominent and how they might react to transitioning if they do. I don't know enough about DID to feel comfortable giving more advice about it but, if you are the one that deals with the outside world and you feel transitioning will help you to do that than don't give up on it. Give it some time and stay strong, we're all here for you. (*hug*)
Would those of you who have it mind describing it a little more? I have pretty distinct "people" who talk to me in my head too, but I thought DID was when those people took over your body while you blacked out. It's because of one of them that I'm here, going through all this new gender crap. Even though I've always felt non-binary since early childhood, I was previously ok with having a female body. Now he wants us to combine so that he can use my body to experience life too, and I feel a need to transition to either male or neutrois. Probably neutrois so that I can pass as male or female at differing times. Oh, hey, maybe you could consider that for yourself, Yannick? Nobody's gonna sound crazier than me after saying that... I mean, the part about my head-guy.
I don't think I have DID because I don't get the amnesia. I am always aware of what I have been doing, though my memory can seem a little disjointed. I will reflect on the day and think 'Did I really do that? It didn't feel like it was me'. I can remember what I have done but it will feel like it happened to someone else. I would be interested to know more about DID if you wouldn't mind sharing because I do have something and I'm not sure what it is. For about 2 years, I have been feeling like different people. I switch between them sometimes several times a day, other times maybe only a couple of times a week. Like I said, I'm always aware of what I am doing. I don't hear voices either in my head or around me. It's just that when these different 'people' take over, I feel differently about who I am and how I feel about things. I can choose something to wear in the morning and then later in the day if I switch it feels wrong and dysphoric on me. My beliefs and values change according to who I am at any given moment, as do my likes and dislikes. Over the last two years these people have been of all kinds of gender expressions and identity so I would sometimes feel female, sometimes male and other times neither. At times I felt like my younger self and even the boy that I never was as a child. Each personality would have its own perspective on life, my past, my surroundings and the people around me. They even had different preferences when it came to what I ate. I have often felt compelled to do things that I would never have wanted to do before, things that have clashed with what I believed as being right and wrong and I have often felt like I am fighting to stay in control. For the last two years or more I have had no idea who I am, what I like and dislike, what I want to do with my life and what is important to me because I'm constantly changing and what will be important to me one day won't matter at all the day after. I often see subtle differences in my face or height when I see myself in the mirror. It's really frightening! As time has gone on, I have lost a lot of these people and new ones have replaced them while others have always remained. Now I alternate between feeling male, either extremely masculine or more androgynous. My feelings are all fragmented too. For example, the extremely male personality has no feelings for my family and I won't care about anything. I don't know what this is. It was definitely the cause of my transgender feelings, or vice versa. Has anybody else had this?
My head seems to be unusually quiet these days but I used to literally get voices 'not my own', auditory hallucinations, and about a dozen times a day a 'head explosion' where my vision would be wiped out by a white light that would come from nowhere and fade, with a chime that was unnaturally perfect and loud cracking in my ears along with the light. I maybe was having seizures or something and not knowing it. Actually not sure what was going on I should probably get a cat scan and mri soon. Fortunately I was usually able to know, with the voices and hallucinations, that they were not real.
