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I...I can't...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Polterpup, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. Polterpup

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    Ugh, I must've died and gone to hell because this...whatever the fuck this is...it's unbearable! I haven't been this depressed in forever! I'm fighting the urge to cut again. And let me tell you, it is hard! This extreme feeling of loneliness and being a failure and...boredom. I am really fucking bored. Anyhoo, I feel like no one wants to talk to me. I must be REALLY annoying. Guess no one likes me anymore. And the whole failure thing...I can't do anything. I can play video games. That's IT. My flute playing SUCKS ASS. I try so damn hard and I get no where! You know those people on YouTube that record themselves playing various parts to songs and then put them all together to make the full song? (I worded that horribly) Well, that's what I've been trying to do with Rusty Bucket Bay theme from Banjo-Kazooie. But unfortunately, I SUCK ASS! I'm quiting band. Not only am I under appreciated but I'm just not good enough to be in it. I practice all the time...I just don't understand why I suck. If you're wondering why I'm focusing so much on that (which you're probably not) I guess it's because it was the last little thing to push me over the edge...I guess my problem is more than wanting to cut. I want to DIE. I want to kill myself. I don't know how much longer I can fight this...and my "friends" aren't helping worth a damn! All I want is someone to talk to! For someone to just TEXT me! Apparently that's too much to fucking ask for! My crush isn't even talking to me...and that really bothers me...because I think I'm falling for her. Ugh!!! I hate being me! I just want to disappear! Eh...I feel like this was more of a rant than anything. But, ya know, advice on any of my problems is appreciated! Seriously! I'm going to lose it if someone doesn't talk to me! Also, this probably had a lot of typos being of fucking autocorrect and I don't feel like fixing it. And I usually don't cuss this much. Today had just been a bad day. Obviously.
     
  2. Really

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    You sound like you're having quite a bad time of things at the moment. Try to give yourself a break and take a bit of time to let your brain rest from all the bad thoughts. If you have a therapist or someone to talk to about wanting to hurt yourself, now would be a good time to give them a call.
    As for the flute playing (I played for a while but my arms hurt from holding it up - I was quite a wimp), why don't you try playing the piece backwards? I do that sometimes when I'm a bit stuck with my music. (I'm weird, I know.)
     
  3. Polterpup

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    Hmm...playing it backwards...that sounds rather complicated. And no, I really don't have anyone to talk to...
     
  4. Tinykc

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    Hey. It sounds like your struggling. That's ok though because you have me and everyone on EC. I know how you feel! A bunch of small things can just pile up and make life that much harder. I'm a musician as well, and I find that sometimes just giving yourself a break and promising yourself you'll try again tomorrow is a good way to go. Don't frustrate yourself or be afraid to ask for help! Feel free to message me! :icon_bigg
     
  5. Young Blood

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    I know this is going to sound cliche, but tomorrow is a new day. I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear right now, as it was the same with me when I was in your position a couple years ago. But it is true. You just have to move on and forget the things you've done, and make things better for the future. I'm sure there are tons of people who love you and enjoy your company. You have to get past the "noone likes me" mentality and you'll see it. I would also suggest not giving up on music. Music helped me so much when I was at that point. Maybe try picking up a different instrument? And always remember that there are other people out there who may have it worse than you. You have the power to change your future. You just have to want it and work for it. Don't let one bad day get you down and make you resort to a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Cutting yourself, swallowing pills, getting so drunk you can't even remember your name...it's not worth it. Find someone you can really confide in. Of course, you have all of us, but find someone close to you. All we really need is just that one person. You're young still!! You have your whole life ahead of you!! There is still so much time to change things and make things better. Please don't resort to killing yourself :frowning2: :tears: I'm always, always here if you want to talk!
     
  6. Chiroptera

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    Flute takes a really long time to master, so don't push yourself too hard. At least you it sounds like a thing you really like to do and are willing to practice a lot to learn it!

    I tried to learn violin once, but i don't really had the patience for it. You look like someone who has more patience than me to learn music, haha. But, really, take your time, it isn't easy or fast to master an instrument! Just like Tinykc said,
     
  7. MindvsHeart

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    I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible day and that things seem unbearable lately (*hug*)(*hug*) Life does has a way of messing with us and I know all too well how shit things can get. That's why I started seeing a psychologist since I felt I had too much on my plate that left me entirely too confused and I needed to tell someone else..just not family.

    Firstly, just relax. Try to get your mind of things by doing something you enjoy. Maybe lose yourself in music by pumping up the volume with your headphones on? Maybe dance randomly? (!)

    Second, the flute is a tough instrument- no need to beat yourself up about it. When I first started playing flute, I couldn't make one note on it for several months. Just keep trying and as corny as it may sound, believe in yourself and your ability to play. :thumbsup: These days I have my own flute and I play it on rare occasions but my skills have gone down the toilet *shrugs* so I mostly just play a few pieces on my own like "Edelweiss" because they're easy.

    In regards to your friends not talking to you, perhaps they've just gotten busy? It happens you know.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) As you can see, you've gotten my patented rambling speech again but I do truly mean what I say.
    -You don't suck, you're probably a wonderful person. You only suck if you're eating a lollipop.
    -Please, don't cut yourself. (&&&) I was once at that point in my life but I was able to distance myself from thoughts of it because of the support I received from the people I cared about. And I truly do embrace the concept of universal love so even if we may never meet, it doesn't mean you mean any less to me. (*hug*) You're life is worth living, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I will try to respond asap and even if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, find someone to unload your emotions too. (*hug*)(*hug*)

    Ok, I've rambled on too long...-MindvsHeart
     
  8. Damien

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    Hi SugarTheDog,

    ok I might be a lot older than yourself, but the feeling of loneliness I can certainly relate to...but I have to tell you, that when we are in the mud, right in the heat of a painful feeling, it can feel like that's all there is - but this just isn't true. Today you are feeling bad, and yes maybe even tomorrow, but I can guarantee that the bad feelings will not last forever. They will pass. There are times in life for all of us, whatever our age, where we have to sort of 'hang on' to whatever it is we can - even if that's just the knowledge that this too will pass. If you think back, there have been times when you have been happier, right? When instead of feeling like life is crap, that you felt like 'life is great?' Well those times will return again at some stage. But you need to stick around for that to happen! In fact anyone who looks back on their lives notices a kind of pattern: happiness, distress, happiness, distress...we really do have to learn how to ride the waves a bit, life can be a bit of a struggle sometimes. But try to remember that nothing lasts forever. Really. The current pain you are feeling will pass.

    Hang in there. I've got a daughter your age who went though similar challenges to what you are right now, and it was hard but she got through and is doing really well now. You can get through. But you need to keep yourself safe. Talk to your parents about getting some professional counselling. Really, it's important. And remember that we are always our own worst critics when it comes to what we create (I'm a musician also). Don't be so hard on yourself, I bet you are better on the flute than you think. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Hey there. I'm sorry that you're feeling as bad as you do. I can certainly relate. I'm struggling right now with depression, and it really sucks. I have to keep reminding myself (as should you) that "It's going to be OK, this isn't my fault, and the people around me love me." Even though there are many times when I don't believe these statements, I have to say them anyway.

    I would echo the suggestion that you tell your parents how you are feeling - how bad this really is for you right now - and that you think you need to talk to a professional. Get an appointment with your family doctor, or a counsellor of some kind. Your parents might have some kind of 'employee assistance plan' at work that includes some counselling services that you could take advantage of free of charge. But it is important that you start talking to someone so that you can get the help that you need.

    As others have said, we're all here for you to talk to. You can PM me or any of the staff for help or advice.
     
  10. Lucaaa

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    Hey SugartheDog, are you feeling any better today? Please let us know!
     
  11. Polterpup

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    Hey, you guys. I'm doing a lot better. Well, for now anyway. I've been working really hard on that piece I talked about, and it is coming along nicely. I would like to put a link to it when I post it on YouTube, but I don't think I'm allowed to do that here...and my friends are starting to talk about me a little more. One has actually invited me to spend the night, but I'm going out of town on that day. And I'll get to see them all (including my crush) tomorrow at band rehearsal. So...things are getting a little better...for now.