Is it possible to be sexually lesbian, but romantically bisexual?

And if so, am I just that?

I consider myself bisexual, but a thought has been plaguing my mind lately that I may be sexually lesbian.

I have only ever dated men (due to my denial up till recently of my bisexuality), but I have never truly been normally attracted to the male form. With men I have been proven to be demisexual (being attracted sexually to a person only after developing romantic feelings for them), but with women I am naturally attracted to them in regular situations.

I have never liked to look at naked men, in fact, most of the times I have had sex with them, I avoid looking at their genitals altogether. I find myself to lack passion when I'm sexual with men, such as not touching them much, if at all, during sex, no sincere dirty talk, a general discomfort in being naked in front of them etc. I don't feel any sexual desire when I think about men having sex with me. In fact, the mere concept of just having sex with a man turns me off sometimes or makes me uncomfortable. And a big thing, I do not really enjoy kissing men, yet I often think about kissing women. I can successfully have sex with men that I love, but there is definitely a lack of drive and desire on my part.

All of that being said, I definitely see men as romantic partners, probably more so than women (although I don't know for sure because I have never officially dated or had sex with a woman). I am happy to touch a man that I care about as long as I'm not touching him sexually, like I can cuddle and snuggle just fine.

What should I, or what do you, think about this? I'm having a really hard time deciphering my sexual feelings. :/ Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

I wouldn't really try to think about it too hard. (not easy, I know.) But you'll drive yourself mad trying to pick apart these types of situations. Maybe you just haven't met the right guy who you genuinely liked being sexual with. Or maybe you just don't like having sex with guys at all. Or maybe you'll hate having sex with women. Or maybe you'll love it and say GOODBYE PENIS HELLLLLO VAGINA. There are so many "what ifs" that it's really a lot more trouble than it's worth to think about. Just go with your gut feelings when you're with the next person you feel it getting steamy with. Do I want this? Am I comfortable? Am I sober? Are they being sincere and respectful? Do I want to stop? I ask myself those every time I am with a new partner. Hope I helped a wee bit. :x

 

Everybody is different, but I totally relate to what you say in relation to how I was a year or so ago. I knew I was kind of demisexual towards men, but struggled with the concept of being romantically involved with a woman, other than the sex part.

The men I was attracted to were always very effeminate, if not, gay. I wished they had breasts! I could tolerate male gentitalia because of the physical sensation of sex, and because of my attraction romantically I could get turned on. Oral sex on them was always a chore and a bit disgusting, frankly (think gagging).

Then one day, I thought to myself, 'Well, maybe I should try out the idea in my head of dating a woman - seeing as the men I do go after are very woman-like anyway, and I'm disappointed ultimately as their bodies are pretty dull and not the form of a woman I hanker after'.

That leap in my head lead me to realise eventually that the men I had gone after were substitute women to me. I realised that whilst I could tolerate being with a man, it's not really where I wanted to be.

Not everyone needs to be in a relationship to help clarify their sexuality, but meeting and falling for my girlfriend has been bit of a epiphany. To people who are seasoned at being out, it's probably not a big deal, but I just love the fact she is a woman, in her heart, mind, and of course her beautiful form. I would never say never to a man again, but really, now I've married up various bits in my head, women just make sooooo much more sense to me sexually AND romantically. The idea of hemming myself in again and settling for a man would be a major step backwards in terms of embracing my natural feelings. I just feel so much more enriched and fulfilled in realising and embracing the fact that yes, I am a lesbian. Sometimes I even wonder now why ANY woman would want to be with a man!

Keep at it on here - I have found it immensely helpful.

 

I don't really know to be honest. I'm starting to think that I'm gay, and whilst I still think that I was attracted to women I never really had that desperate urge for sex that other guys have. I have had some pretty serious crushes on girls over the years and I would have described my feelings for one girlfriend as love - it took me about 3 years to get over her... So I really don't know.

 

That's very confusing. See, I feel similar but one thing you could ask yourself is "what does it mean?". Or you could not think about it and wait how it all plays out for you.
I find women sexually attractive but not men. I can be romantically attracted to both and honestly, the few crushes I had on guys were pretty intense. Then again, maybe that's just my personality, being intense. And maybe, before I never really considered women to be romantic partners and hadn't thought about that possibility at all. Although I do or could have that capacity.
Whether I like one or the other better, I'm not sure. But that's that, sometimes you just have to see what's in the now.

 

----I have never liked to look at naked men, in fact, most of the times I have had sex with them, I avoid looking at their genitals altogether. I find myself to lack passion when I'm sexual with men, such as not touching them much, if at all, during sex, no sincere dirty talk, a general discomfort in being naked in front of them etc. I don't feel any sexual desire when I think about men having sex with me. In fact, the mere concept of just having sex with a man turns me off sometimes or makes me uncomfortable. And a big thing, I do not really enjoy kissing men, yet I often think about kissing women. I can successfully have sex with men that I love, but there is definitely a lack of drive and desire on my part

^ that is how I feel...with my boyfriend. He has always said I "go somewhere" else when having sex. never open my eyes, dont really get into it...

Annnnnd I'm 95% sure I'm gay and I like boobs.

 

It's certainly possible. You could be a biromantic lesbian.

 

I'm like that!! I consider myself bi, but I have teeny bit more romantic attraction towards men than girls, but then no sexual attraction to them (except for yaoi boy x boy fanfics and stuff lol) - And then when I get to girls, I'm demiromantic with them and it takes time for me to form a bond with them - But I'm not demisexual with them at all, like all of my sexual attraction is geared towards women and I don't necessarily need a bond to have sex with them. I know it's kind of frustrating, because even though I have an online gf now, if I would of been single, I would have to find an asexual guy and stuff - And yeah, our sexuality is complex, some people's sexuality was just made to be complex and that's okay! So yeah, I absolutely think it's possible! Also, give yourself some time to figure yourself out and don't worry too much about labeling and good luck!!

 

of course it is its the same for me-well kinda only dating im bi but sexually i want guys. I nder stand whre your coming from completly! Its sooo confusing try to decide bi-or-gay or in your case lesbian. i hope I answered your question and in case your wondering i desided i want to be gay. when i was first signing up for this site i looked at the 2 boys on the right anx i thought i want tht-to have a relatiionship with someone you know is going throught the same thiughts and troubles.that is why i chose gay wolf not biwolff

 

I have similar feelings, though I think for me even with a guy I really love I still don't have much if any sexual feelings toward them. I feel like I can have romantic feelings for either gender but when it comes to sexual attraction it's almost exclusively women, and feelings for women are way, way stronger than any "hints" of attraction I might get for the odd guy here or there. I would welcome a physical relationship with a woman, whereas the thought of it with a man feels uncomfortable and forced. At this point I consider myself a biromantic lesbian, but for practicality's sake lesbian seems to suffice.

The way you described your demi-sexuality toward men.. I wonder if you are really attracted at all. It sounds like the whole process of sex with a man is kind of an ordeal. Like you, I felt I could at least "tolerate" a sexual relationship with a man and that would be ok if I still loved him otherwise. But I'm realizing that's *not* what it's supposed to be about. Sex is supposedly an enjoyable activity that people undertake because they both want it, and apparently just tolerating it is not only uncomfortable for you, but it's a bit of a confidence blow to your partner, as well.

 

I do have sexual drives with male partners, but the thing is, it's more of me wanting to feel relief rather than me wanting to have sex with a man. Its kinda a fake it till i make it sorta thing…Not to give TMI, but I actually enjoy penetration, but I'm not at all attracted to penises, and I feel that a girl with a strap-on would more than suffice in the absence of a penis. As soon as I stop feeling romantic feelings towards a guy, I am absolutely incapable of having sex with him. I physically can't get myself to do it. I literally lay there and just take it because I have no drive at all. It's always seemed pretty weird to me that that happens.

I'm really quite afraid to be lesbian. I've had all relationships with males, and I'm afraid to suddenly change everything. I know I need to try, in case I really am a lesbian, but its really scary.

I remember the first time a boy kissed me. I hated it, to be completely honest. There have been times when I have honestly enjoyed it, but not often.

I guess, its only under a strict set of circumstances that I feel confident, and truly happy having sex with a man. I suppose I won't know what that really means for me until later...

 

Ah, I see. I guess it's a little harder for me to get as I wouldn't consider myself demisexual, but it makes sense now, thanks for explaining. So you have sexual feelings toward a guy *if* the romantic feelings are there, but if they aren't, the sexual feelings are also absent?

It's a scary thing, I don't blame you. I'm terrified and quite new to this myself, so I definitely understand. It's good that you're giving yourself some time and room to contemplate all the options, though.

I've only ever been with one guy, and I remember being totally elated when he kissed me on the cheek. :icon_redf But when we actually kissed the whole thing kind of left me feeling like something was lacking. I also couldn't get past some of the "grossness" of the saliva and tongues involved, which may have just been me but in the greater context of what I'm starting to understand about my sexuality would probably have been less of an issue if I was enjoying the actual kiss a bit more :lol: . There were times when I was with him that I felt mild arousal but a lot of the time it was uncomfortable, or I was anxious, or I just didn't know what to do with myself.

What was different for you when you enjoyed kissing a guy, vs. when you didn't enjoy it?

 

Yeah, so if I'm with a guy in a relationship, I can be sexually attracted to him, but only if I love him or really like him. But it's not that I have a desire to see his penis, or for him to take off his clothes, I just have a desire for sexual relief and I am willing and wanting to relieve myself with him. I can be aroused by certain looks a guy gives me, or things he can say, but, (say we are sexting), the second he starts describing the actual action of putting himself in me, I immediately get turned off.

I agree a lot with what you said about the grossness of the the saliva and stuff from your first kiss with a guy. I like being kissed on the cheek or the head (more platonic kisses) from men, but kissing on the mouth is kinda gross to me. I don't think I feel grossed out by kissing females though. I haven't done it in a long time, so when I do again I'll find out. When I had my first kiss from a boy I remember feeling really violated and like no matter how much water I drank, I could't get his taste out of my mouth.

The only times I truly enjoy kissing a guy (for the most part) are the times when I initiate the kiss, it doesn't last more than a few seconds (no making out), I really love him, and there isn't a lot of tongue, if any at all.

BTW, thanks for going through this with me I really appreciate it. What do your think?

 

It is totally possible. Bisexuality means something different for everyone. You could have the same attraction to men and women. You could be attracted to men more or women more. Or you could be attracted to one gender differently than the other gender. Don't worry so much about labeling yourself especially so specifically. Just do you and what makes you happy!

 

Chip, you really need to stop acting like psychological research is the be-all end-all of knowing whether or not a human phenomenon exists. Given a choice between believing what someone says from their lived experience about their inner mental life and what a psych study says about someone's inner mental life, it makes more sense to believe the former, especially given psychology's track record of marginalizing LGBT people (e.g. the study that "disproved" bisexuality in men).

 

To some extent I think Mogget makes a good point, in that the LGBT movement has always been about lived experience over scientific, psychological or societal confirmation. However, I think Chip is right in that the exotic, borrowed-from-the-asexuals idea of separate romantic and sexual orientations is very often used as a bargaining tool.

The OP sounds like she might be liable to this, possibly. Your ability to envisage a romantic relationship is heavily dependant on cultural conditioning, and many gay people have said in the initial stages that they can't imagine relationships with those of the same sex. Often this is because we live in a heteronormative society in which same sex relationships are literally unimagined and undepicted. But it seems, from what you have said, that you may be on the lesbian side of things...

 

I can relate, when I realized I liked women as an adult l said I could never have a relationship but was open to sex.

 

From what I understand, a lot of straight women find penises gross to look at, too, so I'm not sure if that's the best indicator of orientation. But, the sense I'm getting listening to you describe these experiences, it still sounds a little like sex with men is like work rather than something you enjoy. But, correct me if I am wrong. The guys you've been with that you really liked, did you WANT to have sex with them? Like, if they had not initiated would you have wanted to do so?

I agree with the other members who have said you sound like you are probably more lesbian... but you know your feelings better than we would. It sounds as though you have some repulsion or at least aversion to physical intimacy with men, whereas with woman the experiences you've had were if not more pleasant at least not aversive?

It's confusing when you have sort of romantic feelings for someone, but the sexual feelings are not really there. It can be hard to find a name for that, too. It is possible that you (and me too, as I'm in a similar situation) are "bargaining" as Chip suggests. It is also possible that the idea of a man as a life partner is appealing, but the physical attraction just isn't there, and you may get used to the idea of a female partner instead. Will your desire and feelings toward men remain? I don't know. I do know that at first it felt like a very strange idea to me to have a same sex partner. But the more I consider it, and also expose myself to lesbian media to sort of help "normalize" it in my mind, the more open to it I feel, and the idea of a girlfriend is really appealing to me now.

 

There is an extent that I do want to have sex with the guys I have really liked/loved. Often times, if I don't initiate it though, I feel like I'm being used or that I'm not respected (not that any of them intentionally disrespected me in this way) and that I'm just a sex object. This might be due to the stereotypes about men only ever wanting sex. I know they loved me, but it was hard sometimes when they constantly wanted to have sex or made sexual jokes that I didn't appreciate. In the past, it has been hard for me to see sex with men as being a truly loving experience. I have experienced it as a loving experience, but not too often in recent years. A good way to describe how I feel having sex with men is like I'm putting on an act. I do want to have sex at times when it is not initiated, but only when I'm horny due to an external stimuli, like something I read or saw online, not because I looked at him and went "I gotta get me some of that" or something.

With men, it is hard for me to not feel like a sexual object, not because of anything they do necessarily, I just feel that way. I don't always feel very equal with things, especially when they want me to have sex and, for whatever reason, I don't. I try as often as I can to reciprocate sexual feelings when they arise, but some times are harder than others for me to feel up to it. I have a general aversion to sexual intimacy with men, but emotional intimacy I don't seem to have a problem with. Since I have not been with a woman in my adult/late teen years, it is hard for me to say this with 100% certainty, but I don't think sexual intimacy would be a problem with them. I only say this from the confines of my homosexual introspection though, so I could be wrong.

It's interesting what you said about feeling strange about a same sex partner. I used to completely deny any homosexual tendencies by affirming that I could never imagine myself really being with a girl, but as I have looked more into it, and as I have begun accepting my tendencies, it doesn't seem so strange anymore. I guess I have been "normalizing" it in my mind too. Chip may have a point about the whole bargaining thing, but I feel that if I were truly just 100% lesbian, then I would not have been able to fall in love with men like I have. I don't know.

Here's another complication I figured I'd mention. So I said earlier that I don't really see sex generally as a loving thing. In other words, I don't really see it as a way for someone to express love to me. I have something else for that. I feel loved when someone tickles me. It's always been that way for me. And I really like it when men tickle me, but only if it is done platonically. The instant it gets weird or sexual, I don't feel loved anymore, I feel used. That information affect anything? :icon_redf