Not sure how to phrase this!

If coming out is not really an option for you, then don't. No one should be forced out of the closet.

But consider, in the longer term, that you don't live in a bubble. Everyone has family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Sure, you can introduce him on an as-needed basis, but running into someone in a restaurant or at the shopping mall can be awkward.

Trust me on this one, but coming out, telling people in your own terms and your own timetable can produce a lot of joy, support and sharing of happiness. For me, staying in the shadows was not a positive experience.

Hope this helps. But please, please don't feel pressured on this issue. We are all a work in progress.

Good luck to you,
Milan

 

Hi only me,

You have taken account of your circumstances and for you, not making an announcement is perfectly OK.

I would however focus a little more on MilansMele's point about relationships and bubbles.

Too many people go into relationships thinking that the one is sufficient for the other. The problem with this is that soon enough, each partner must bear the burden of being everything to the other. Over the long term (and this can take several years) this is not conducive to a healthy relationship, no relationship can long survive separating itself from a community.

Whether you like it or not, no single person can be everything to another, there has to be a certain distance for optimal performance, as it were. Each will have divergent interests, each will have their own friends, and that is OK as long as you have discussed what your boundaries are.

So to get back to your main concern, coming out is a deeply personal decision, but coming out will eventually be necessary, if only to keep your relationship as it should be. A loving partnership of equals that is part benefactor and part contributor to the health of a wider community.

 

Well said!

 

Hi,

You must keep in mind that often we feel "secure" in our closet and nobody has a clue we are gay. More often than not the only person being fooled is ourselves. People know, suspect or assume and say nothing.

I do not know if an "announcement" is necessary but you must review why you are in the closet and deal with that motivation. Whether it is shame, fear, literal risk of harm or exaggerated imagined risk of harm or some other issue you need to honest about it get beyond it.

I just watched a video on YouTube dealing with being a girl. Children and adolesants were asked to; run like a girl, throw like a girl, fight like a girl, etc all demonstrated by participants with exaggerated negative stereotypes. I would assume if the experiment was redone replacing "girl" with "gay" similar things would happen regagarding exaggerated negative stereotypes. We all grew up with this being drilled into us. We need to get beyond it.

You have no clue how much energy (wasted emotional energy) you invest in maintaining the closet, which may or may not be fooling anybody.

Tom

 

I get what you mean and I thought about it myself. On the other hand I can't imagine for my mom to discover by seeing me kissing a woman or something like that. I don't want to give her a heart attack, you know. I don't necessarily need to come out to her by saying "I'm gay" but I think that at some point I should at least tell her that there's a chance I'll date a woman one day because that's what I believe would make me happy.
The first time when I came out to one of my friends, she was speaking about meeting her new boyfriend on a dating site so I just casually told her that I was also reading dating profiles on the Internet but in the "a woman seeks a woman" section. Afterwards she asked me a few questions.
I decided not to make it an announcement but I don't want it to hold me back and prevent me from interacting with others.

 

You have it exactly right. If there were no prejudice against gays you obviously wouldn't announce it because it would seem like a normal way to be to everyone. So, since you don't want there to be discrimination then act as though there weren't. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

 

A thought...For me, telling family and friends that I am gay was an affirmation...mostly for my own benefit. As an older man coming out later in life, growing up being different and not understanding these feelings and worst of all how WRONG it all was. Fags were beat up, thrown out of the house, told they were going to hell, sexual deviants, etc...It was abusive and cruel. It was damaging beyond belief.
Do what works for you! I applaud that and congrats on being happy! You don't owe the gay community anything for your privacy, but I just wanted to let you know how important and necessary it is for a lot of us. It helps us heal...

 

Hi only me. I'm in exactly the same space right now.

When I was first accepting my own sexuality a couple years ago, I opened up to a group of openly gay men I did not know very well. I got enough "You have to come out/You're being dishonest/Friends who won't accept it are not your friends" responses, which did nothing but turn me off. Many of these men also had broken family relationships over their announcement, which depressed me.

So I accept myself, have taken some steps to meet other gay men (none too successful yet) — but I realize I have to do it on my own terms. I like hearing other experiences — which give me hope — but I guess I'm not looking for advice. When all is said and done, I have to be comfortable in my own skin, with my own values.

Good luck on your journey — and keep me in your good thoughts.

 

Thanks only me. Be well.

 

This made me wonder if maybe this is why Pride events are so important. Some people have gone through so much and made it for the better. Sorry off topic, but it struck me how some people really battled to come out and that is a huge personal accomplishment.

I really like the idea of just being out with a boyfriend and people will figure it out and or they can ask, but they'll certainly get it if you refer to him as boyfriend. You're definitely out if you spend most of your free time with one guy who happens to be your boyfriend.

 

I think being partnered makes it a lot easier. A few weeks back we got a new mortgage officer where I work. She works out of a couple offices and we hadn't had much occasion to socialize but I just sort of assumed she would know. I mean everyone else does and I just sort of assumed people talked, nothing malicious but well just office talk. So anyway we were talking about getting to work and I was talking about how I usually take transit to work but then my husband picks me up. She just kind of looked at me and then finally said "oh... I didn't realize you... (long pause)... had a husband." To which I responded "16 years, light of my life" and we went on to talk about the mortgage in question. Apparently people don't gossip about it.:lol: The partner definitely makes it easier.:lol:

 

Some people figure it out some people are clueless.

For me, at the start I told a few gay friends I was like them then I told one straight friend, then I thought I best to tell the parents before I tell anyone else.

After I told the parents it made it lots easier, it didn't mean I went and told the rest of the world but it meant I could be at ease with myself and I could socialize around other gay friends, because in the past I always felt uneasy. A few more people know, surprisely some friends had figured it out but a lot of others you would tell, and they still had no idea even when you had given them hints.

Each of us is different on who we should tell.