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Does coming out help with self acceptance?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ScaredyKat, Jul 13, 2014.

  1. ScaredyKat

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    Or should it happen the other way round?

    I've shared my story in another thread, but in summary I'm 38, have known I'm a gay woman for 20+ years, semi out to very close friends and I have a female partner. I find it excruciating coming out to colleagues and acquaintances and I'm not out to my parents. I've been thinking about this for a long time now and although I accept I'm gay, I wouldn't say I'm happy about it (despite having a wonderful partner) and I guess I'd say I have internalised homophobia.

    I really want to come out to my parents (or should I say I really feel I need to) and I want to build a life with my partner. But I just find it too hard to be completely happy with who I am, happy enough not to be embarrassed or still semi closeted.

    Will coming out help me find some self acceptance? Or do I need the self acceptance before I can fully come out?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Logic would say that it should work the other way round, but if you can steel yourself to come out despite the internal struggle you may well find a growing confidence and self acceptance.

    I certainly found (and still find) that for every new person I tell my self appreciation grows. It's a good feeling.
     
  3. Calamus1960

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    Coming out has helped me grow and accept myself. I really feel the same with your words that "I'm not happy about it"...bottom line, its just not easy facing yourself and who you truly are. I would not be surprised if your folks already know and are waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to talk to them. For me it was excruciating when I uttered the words "Im gay", but oh what an exhilarating feeling of freedom afterwards...
     
  4. HTBO

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    I find everytime I tell someone else, than I feel a little better about myself as well. Maybe once you tell your parents you will feel better. Once I told my ex-husband, kids and parents, I felt wonderful. And as I continue to tell more, the feeling of acceptance grows
     
  5. littlemonster11

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    I think it's a process on self-acceptance. You don't just wake up one day and accept yourself fully. Self-acceptance comes in increments as time passes the more you work on it, at least from personal experience it does.

    I haven't come out to anyone other than a couple of internet friends. It helped somewhat to not have my feelings bottled up and helped me accept myself a bit. Since then, I've felt a little better about myself. I've gotten to the point where I'll come out to my grandmother any day now. I believe when I get to the point where the rest of my family and friends know, I'll have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and maybe I won't be ashamed of myself anymore.

    I know my say may not be as reassuring as those who are already out (or more out than me), but I hope my input/experience helps you in some way.
     
  6. ScaredyKat

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    Thanks for the replies. I think I need to change something, it's been years of feeling like this. So maybe coming out to some more people is the way to go. I'm fine with people knowing, I just have a real block saying the words
     
  7. littlemonster11

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    Oh, forgot to put my answer to your question. Oops! I think it depends on the person, because everyone is different. But I would say that yes, it does to an extent. Ultimately, you yourself are the key to self-acceptance in my opinion.
     
  8. ScaredyKat

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    Thanks littlemonster. Your words have helped. My problem is when things get a bit too tough, I just try to put the thoughts out of my mind and forget them. Which doesn't help long term! Like you say, self acceptance doesn't happen overnight - but it won't happen at all if I don't work on it.

    What else have people done to help get to a point of being happy and comfortable with who you are?
     
  9. offmychest

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    everyone is different. its like the chicken and the egg, which comes first? some say acccept yourself first and then come out. other say coming out will help with your self acceptance. what i can say is that there is no right or wrong answer and coming out is not a cure-all of happiness and peace. you can come out and still feel like shi*t. so my suggestion is to come out to those you feel you like want to. i came out to some people and it helped me feel more comfotable around them. i came out to others and i feel uneasy still about being around them. just depends.
     
  10. HTBO

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    To get to the point I'm at now, I had to do a lot of self-reflection and sometimes change the way I think. If there is something that I don't like about myself, I try to understand why, and what I can do to change that. For instance, I've always been emotionally distant, and i don't like being that way, I'd like to have people close to me and not feel like I can only let them in so far. So I had to determine why I was like that, and I came to the conclusion because I could never feel like people accepted me the way I am, and if I met someone who does accept me, that will probably change. Then I realized people couldn't accept me for me because even I didn't know who I was and in order for them to accept me, I had to accept myself. This has been something I'm working on. I'm trying to do what I think is best for me and best reflects the person I am, and not the person I'm expected to be and not someone who is defined by the roles I play (mother for example). I hope that once I can work through this I will have a greater level of self acceptance and therefore allow myself to become more emotionally involved. As I have been working on this, I've noticed definite changes with myself and that I am allowing more people into my life on a deeper level than before. Coming out has definitely helped with this because people know who the real me is and it allows be to become that person, accept that person, which will lead to others accepting me. I hope :slight_smile:
     
    #10 HTBO, Jul 13, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2014
  11. quietman702

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    Hello, for me I've gained more confidence after the initial "what the hell here goes" coming out to one, then others. As time goes on I become more confident, but there are times I do run for cover with self doubt. But it is getting better.
     
  12. rainshadow

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    It's been a long road of acceptance for me because there was a lot I didn't like about myself. I'm still working on it, some days are still pretty tough, but I think that it's getting better. I have a hard time letting people in, which I think comes from a being too open earlier in my life and getting burned for it. I hope with more self reflection that it will give me the courage to come out to others. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Choirboy

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    I think it's something of a chicken-or-egg situation and both sides can feed on each other. I started creeping out of the closet in the middle of a 100-lb. weight loss that gave me a big boost of self-confidence. But coming out and not being rejected gave me more confidence and kept the process going, and the confidence that coming out gave me has affected many other parts of my life. I really didn't realize how far into the bunker I had allowed myself to get.

    Everyone's experience is different and we've all had our own triggers for the process. But your self-image and self-esteem and self-confidence will all be working together in a way that is unique to you and your situation.
     
  14. ScaredyKat

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    Thank you all so much for the replies. They really are helping me, sometimes reaffirming my own thoughts, other times making me look at things differently. It's a massive help.

    I have been through previous periods of self improvements and acceptance. I've changed things I don't like about myself (or tried to!) and really stopped giving myself a hard time over certain things - even treating myself to presents or nice things to do in order to improve my self esteem (I would never spend any money on myself - probably thinking I wasn't worth it for example). But whenever the thoughts of coming out helping with any of this came into my mind, I quickly pushed them away! Focussing on things like getting fit or going out more instead. I do think I now know it's time to challenge the big issue that has plagued me for years and make a plan for dealing with it! I just wonder if I'm strong enough or confident enough to get through the initial upset and confusion from my parents. I'd love to be able to shrug and say/think "I'm happy with who I am and you need to deal with it" but I'm not there yet.
     
  15. Tightrope

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    It's impossible to prognosticate. Most feel feel some sort of liberation. This is especially the case when they are on their own and don't owe any explanations to their parents or someone they live with. Some people lose some friends over it, though this has become less common.

    My immediately family knows the score. One parent walked in on me and a sibling found some written material in my room, where they had no business being. My other parent probably just assumed so because of my "timing." They don't care, but the sibling who snoops has thrown it in my face every now and then.

    It's mostly people in the work world, a place I don't even discuss it, that have an issue with it and they're just assuming, whether they're right or wrong. I don't discuss my views on sexuality, relationships, who I'm going out with, or anything of that sort with coworkers. Yet, again, they have an issue with it. Like one guy once said to me, "People HAVE to know," in reference to single men and women who would appear to be married off but aren't.
     
  16. Richie.

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    Have you had therapy?n I've found it very helpful for self acceptance.

    When I first started therapy I found it very hard just saying the words.. 'Im gay'. Now.. Not so much
     
  17. Henry656

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    I believe you should be well on the road to self acceptance when you come out.
    When you are secure in your skin and in your mind that being gay is your right choice to a life style, other people especially your direct family will be secure enough to accept you.
    When I came out to my wife of 28 years and my 27 year old daughter, they knew that I had done a great deal of soul searching about this, and they accepted me without question.
    I am living with my lover of seven months and and going through a non-contested divorce but have good friendly relations with my family.
    They are a bit amazed after me being straight for 62 years. In fact, my lover calls me "my straight lover" but he knows that I am never going back to that.
    Each day, I walk hand in hand with my lover, I accept myself ever more. When I walked with him with clenched hands above our heads at the last NYC Pride Parade, well that sealed it.
    Self acceptance grows more and more each day you use it.
    Self acceptance is just the means, love is really the end goal.
     
  18. duende84

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    It helped me greatly with accepting myself. When I came to the realization I can share, that I am gay, with other people and them treating my no different when they did not know was a huge relief. I had this silly notion, the day I realized I am gay, that I should act different and dress different etc. But that was not the case as I found out and it made it easier for me to accept myself. The best compliment I got until now was a bunch of my guy friends that commented I have not changed since coming out to them - and then the one guy who happens to be one of my best life-long friends said I changed because I am now happier and at ease with myself. That is a good feeling hearing that.