If it isn't imposing. I know most of you are here to receive advice, not give it. (*hug*) I'm an adult that's still living at home with my parents. Over the past few years I've been coming to terms with my gender identity - it had started to become increasingly obvious to me that I'm not female gendered, even though I'm biologically female, and that my feelings and inner perspective of myself were not changing. I've been dressing in male clothes, and cutting my hair short, and none of this happened over night, so there's nothing shocking about how I present myself, my parents are accustomed to it by now. At first making these little changes helped build up my confidence, and I started taking steps to take better care of myself. But lately that confidence has been slipping away, and I've been getting anxious and depressed again. I don't like the divide in my social life between the people I've told and the people I haven't, I don't like how strangers address and treat me, and I don't like feeling like my body is all wrong. I want to be out and I want to be who I am inside. My parents are some of the only people left to tell. I just don't know what to say, or how they'll take it. But I think they need to know. I've tried to tell them face to face, but it's so difficult. I've thought about writing them a letter, but I can't think of how to say what I need to say so that they understand it because I don't know how much they even know about transgender people. I don't even know how they feel about things like gay rights because we don't talk much about social and political viewpoints in my house. Trying to approach coming out to them has just proven again and again to overwhelm me. And that makes me sad because they're my parents, and so far they've always been there for me. I like to think they'd be able to support me through this too, but I just don't know. How would you respond if your child came out as trans? And how would you prefer to be made aware of this element of their life? Would a letter be better, or a face to face conversation? Do you think you'd be able to have a better relationship knowing this, or would it be damaging? I really want to finish socially transitioning soon, and I want to be able to address the medical aspects of transition within the year. But before I can do any of this, I need to be able to open up this conversation with my parents. Right now I'm stuck living at home, so I need them to know - I don't have the funds to be out on my own.
I am not a parent, so I doubt my insight would be helpful. I do have a niece that is a "tom boy" if you will. I think if she told me she wanted to transition that I would like to hear it first in a letter. I am an accepting person, but I fear doing it face to face my immediate reaction would hurt her feelings. Its not that I would be unaccepting at all, I love my little flower child. But at the same time, I have known her all this time as my little flower child tom boy niece. The little girl who I helped raise. It would shock me, and I may not be as comfortable hearing it first face to face. It is something I would have to process. I hope this makes sense. Its like... idk... I just would HATE to hurt her feelings over such a personal and intimate subject. Im not sure my initial reaction would be bad, but what if it was. Or what if I hesitated to react and she took it wrong. Anything can happen with face to face. I would have to vote on a letter. I hope that makes sense, I REALLY dont want anyone to think I would not accept my awesome niece, who at the young age of 10 can do 4 pull ups and beats up on boys her age. I love that little girl. With her hippie tendencies, and muscles she loves to show off. I swear that little girl is one in a million.
Hiya, I have two children myself, one who is autistic, and I can tell you now, nothing is more important to me than there welfare, be it physical or emotional. A part of that is allowing them to express themselves honestly. As a parent, I would like to think my children could come and speak to me about anything and I would be wholly accepting of them. After all, they are my kids and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them to ensure they are happy and safe. If a child of mine came out as LGBT I would like to help them to explore it and support them on their journey because I love them (and I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I had issues with them being LGBT as I am myself). If my son came out as Trans, I'd be the first to support him and defend him from bigotry and prejudice. That's what being a living parent is all about. Of course, I cannot speak for your parents and only you can make that choice. They sound good from how you describe but you have to make a decision based on your own experience. If you believe they will be accepting then I'd say to show trust in your parents that they will do the right thing. As experienced by many, the are a lot of parents who are not so accepting especially those who are conservative or religious fundamentalists. If you are not so sure, sometimes it's better to wait until you have independence and financial freedom so if anything goes wrong, you can take care of yourself. You should seriously consider what you are doing if there is a risk it will put you in danger somehow (that doesn't necessarily mean physical but also rejection and evictions etc). Anyway, I would definitely feel I'd have a closer relationship with my children if they could be honest and one with me as I think one of the foundations of any relationship is trust. I mean, if you children can't trust and rely on their parents who can they rely on. I hope this helps a little. If you want to discuss anything further, feel free to post on my wall. Happy days
I've been thinking about things, and I think it may be best to approach this via letter. Just because, unlike the LG and B, the trans thing is somehow more shocking, and trans issues are less widely understood. I just need to figure out how to write a concise letter now... And I think that, while I'm not going to go and do it immediately, I'm going to come out relatively soon. I need to gauge my parents reaction a bit more, but ultimately, I need to trust them. If I really think it will end badly, then I'll forego coming out for now, but they tend to be pretty liberal, and while they are religious, they aren't extremists. I'm not looking forward to this at all, honestly, but I'm ready and I need it. And it's about trust. If I trust them with this, I don't think they'll give me a reason not to - it's sort of a personal thing, and to give me a reason not to trust them with this would give me a reason not to trust them with anything, which I'm pretty sure isn't the end result they would want. Thank you both for your replies, they've given me another perspective on things.
So, from a parent: if my kid comes out to me today, I will switch pronouns and name within a minute. If they came out several years ago, I would be scared as hell, confused and my first thought would be "it's just a phase. Oh please it HAS TO be just a phase" My partner's reaction would be "don't tell anyone" and it wouldn't change. (f*, f*, f*!) I actually asked him some time ago. Perhaps start with talking about other trans people, about stories you heard or articles you read. Make sure they know that something like that exists and there is a lot of people and it doesn't mean that they are unhappy, in danger and their life is over. Prepare them for the news. I would prefer a talk, not a letter.
I've tried to talk, but it's so hard for me. I try to type well here, but in person, talking, I stumble over my words, and I'm hardly clear. So right now I'm leaning towards a letter, if only because I want to make sure I'm saying what I mean to effectively. Also, my dad told me that if I can't seem to say what I have to say, I can write it down in a letter. My parents know something's up with me. My dad thinks I'm a lesbian, I'm pretty sure. Only guessing because he's asked me on different occasions if I was a lesbian. I almost think he's been mentally preparing for me to say I'm a lesbian, so I know I'm going to throw him for a loop when I come out. I really should try to drop trans topics into conversation somehow, but the first stories that come to mind are the controvertial, "news-worthy" ones - the pregnant man and whatnot.
What about the young trans couple? They used to be quite popular. "Look what I've found, this is amazing, what do you think?..."
While I'm not a parent, I also have a "tomboy" niece. If she were to come out to me as trans tomorrow, I'd switch pronouns and names within a New York Minute . I love her so much, and all that I want to see for her is to be happy. I've witnessed her older sisters give her a hard time, and since I don't see her but a few times a year (she lives in California with my brother and his wife), I really don't think that it's my place to call them out on it, but then I feel like shit for letting it slide. We live in an age where these things are becoming normal. though - I think that from what you've described of your parents, with your father believing that you are lesbian, that they are accepting of people of different sexual orientations at least. I would hope that would expand to gender identity as well, even if it's something that might be a bit harder for parents to wrap their head around - in time (hopefully sooner rather than later) they will come to see that you are the same person that you have always been, just that you are male and have a male name rather than a female one. When I came out as gay to my parents, I did it via letter (a quite long one). For me, it was the only way to be sure that I'd told them everything that I wanted to, in the form that I wanted, so I think that a letter is a perfectly valid approach to this, and for some people that works much better than an in-person conversation. It just all depends on what works for you and with your parents.
I would look at my child and say "I still love you, you are my child, and whoever you are, is ok, it does not change anything I feel for you". It would probably take me some time to remember pronouns and use their chosen name, but I have no doubt that we would do fine with it. I have three myself, 22, 17 and 15. My son is straight, my oldest is Pan, and my youngest is Bi. My ex husband was trans, and all of my kids have trans friends. My partner and I have been together for 10 years. If your parents are accepting and ok with you now, it would give me courage that they would be further accepting of you as you are.
Hi - are you still looking for advice on this? I am a parent and was going to see if you still needed advice.
If my child were trans I would want to know and I would think our relationship would be better for me knowing. I would prefer to be told face to face but I don't know your relationship with your parents and it may be that a letter is easier. I would be inclined to go with whatever approach feels right to you and is easiest on you. My daughter recently came out as gay and I feel happy that she had the confidence to tell me. Your parents obviously know that there is something up and they will, given time, probably feel better for knowing what that something is. Much love to you.
First off, I know that you are correct in that transgender is sometimes harder to wrap our parental minds around. Our 12 year old recently came out to us. I just found a pair of my heels in his bedroom hidden under his bed when I was cleaning and that threw me for a loop. I'm not proud to say that, but being honest about it. That being said, you describe your parents as generally loving and supportive. Yes, this is a big issue but because it is big, I would hate to think that my child felt he could share the small things in his life with me but not the big things. If that makes any sense..... I do like the advice above about being sure you have a plan in place should it NOT go well. A friend who will let you stay there....job/financial security - at least short term. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. I think since there is so much more to explain with trans, a letter might be helpful?????
