My husband came out to me...

Hi there, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet (haven't had much time to read all the replies ), but there is a section here that you might find helpful too.
For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out

Welcome to EC, by the way.
(&&&)

 

With concepts such as love, there is no way to verify in any objective manner that the feelings or motivations of people in a relationship are similar. It may very well be that, for most relationships, gay or straight, the way each half experiences "love" may be vastly different. In a way this is an invisible wall that condemns us to being two solitudes that nevertheless meet heart to heart at levels we cannot understand.

I, like your husband, entered into a marriage because what I felt for my spouse was what I thought love was. I entered into it out of a sincerely held belief that this was something one had to do as a man and as a member of my own faith community. I know now that the feelings I had for men were there, but these were part of depths I had no will to explore, I could not believe it of myself, and therefore could not see it. I married because at that time in my life, this is what seemed like the best thing I could do, and for no less reason than because she loved me.

What I have been through in the past 15 months, with my separation and divorce, has been painful, but liberating; for both of us and for our children who no longer need to witness the fights and arguments. There is still bitterness on her side, anger at times on both sides, but time will heal this, eventually.

 

Firefly,
You are truly an amazing woman. You will get through this with your love for your husband and kids. Its not the end, but a new beginning!
"The caterpillar sees the end of the world, yet the master sees a butterfly" -Richard Bach

 

Maybe point your husband to this forum where he can get some support too.

It's a rollercoaster for both parties, hold on tight

 

The Straight Spouse Network mentioned above is a good resource and there are group meetings in some areas that might help. I found the message board to be a little rough on the gay spouses, but I looked at it very early on after coming out to my wife and I may well have been over-sensitive at the time.

You're processing many emotions right now, and it's a tough thing to go through. I came out to my wife nearly a year ago and she's still adjusting. It's important to remember that for many of us, and your husband almost certainly as well, his coming out is not a rejection of you as a person, or the result of something you did wrong. It's more the realization that he did something very wrong, and unfortunately, the only way to make it right is to turn your life upside down.

I was very backward where sexuality was concerned, coming from a very unemotional family that showed very little physical affection (well really, none at all), never, EVER spoke about sex in any way, and yet everyone was married by about age 23 and immediately started having baby after baby. I was in high school before I realized that not every boy was fascinated by the other guys in the locker room, although all my thoughts and feelings were so internalized that I never spoke of it or understood it. In high school I started to realize I was different and in college I had crushes on guys. But being gay wasn't something I imagined as an acceptable way to be, and at the time, people considered it some kind of "lifestyle choice", and since what I saw as the "lifestyle" didn't seem like the way I wanted to live, I "chose" to be straight.

Obviously I was wrong on all counts. First, it's not a choice. If you're gay, you're gay. No decision-making about it. And as far as a "lifestyle", well, that's just a stereotype. You could see my partner and me together and unless we were holding hands, you might very well not guess we were anything but best friends. But when I was in my 20's, I didn't know that. I just saw being gay as something I couldn't face and wanted to erase from my existence. So I finally met a woman who I was more attracted to than any other woman I'd ever met, assumed I had met the love of my life, and 20 years ago we were married and have 2 teenage kids.

Your husband had his own reasons for hiding the fact that he's gay. He might have been afraid, ashamed, horrified, or even just clueless. But he did it because he felt like he had to in order to survive. There are a lot of negative, unhealthy emotions that go into burying yourself in the closet. For him, coming out is equally scary, but after years in the closet, you come out for one of the same reasons that you went in: You feel like you have to in order to survive. He's not saying you were a bad wife. He's not saying he hates you. He's not saying you're undesirable. He's not saying that your years together was some kind of living hell. Really, the fact that he chose to tell you rather than just cut and run, means that he has some very deep level of feelings for you. As you process the hurt and shock that I'm sure you're feeling, try to keep that somewhere in the back of your mind.

I feel for you. I've seen my wife's reactions and know she's in pain. But I can also tell you that she has adjusted to some degree, and is still adjusting. She still feels loss and fear, but we're getting more casual and easy about our discussions. It can happen with time. And I also have to say thank you. Thanks for coming here and sharing your story. We often forget that our emotions aren't the only ones that come into play when we come out. I hope all goes well for the two of you.

 

That's an incredibly kind thing to say. He is very lucky. I have hopes that my wife and I will have some kind of friendship in the end. Some days it seems impossible, and yet other days we're almost there. We had some issues unrelated to my being gay, but I suspect in the end we will have a much better friendship than marriage. Not everyone is so fortunate. Some wives choose to toss the gay husband away as if he never existed and it's a very hurtful thing.

 

Firefly -

I am so sorry for your loss. It must feel like Hell. Your husband is probably feeling much the same, except his pain is also part of a birthing process, and yours is more of a death.

I came out to my wife in January after 25 years of marriage and three children. She was very pragmatic and pushed for the quickest way possible to end the marriage. We're just waiting to sign the papers. I don't think quickest is best. If I may suggest, the two of you go through some couples therapy to sort out what's taking place and how best to get through it.

For myself, I can tell you that I was so repressed that I didn't have a closet, but a panic room. I loved my wife deeply, and still do. The process of my coming out started with an endeavor to become closer. Ironically, in the end after much introspection, prayer, and agony I had to come out. There never was an intent to hurt or deceive; it wasn't selfish. My love was true, but it could never be complete, because I worked too hard to be something that I wasn't.

I don't have answers or any fixes for you, but the people here will help you in any way they can. PFLAG might be a place to startas well. I wish you godspeed on this difficult road you're travelling.

 

Hi firefly,
I have only recently came out to myself and have told no one yet apart from my good friends here. I have ben married for 20 years, 2 grown up children. Like HTBO it wasnt until I fell for another woman 6 months ago I finally realised I was gay. In fact, my story could mirror HTBOs up until she told her husband. I havent done that yet. But what I want to say to you is that my marriage was not a sham or a mistake. I did not spend all my married life living a lie. I loved my husband and did not feel I was deceiving him for 20 years. Its only now I am having to make some tough decisions.

This will be a confusing time, for both of you. I wish you both well.

 

Hi Firefly,
I can echo what many have said here. I recently came to an awareness that I am gay, and came out to my wife-it has been incredibly painful for both of us, but after three months we are beginning to find our way forward. We recognize that we cannot go back to who we were before, but are working to preserve what is good in our relationship (we are also best friends) and be good parents. I wish you and your husband well as you find your way, and encourage you both to get as much help as you can. You both deserve it!

 

I too am a straight wife and thought I would give you my story.

My husband came out to me in October 2012, after 17 years of marriage and 26 years together. He had never been faithful our whole life. He originally came out as Bi and told me how much he still loved me and wanted me a part of his life, etc. I accepted it straight away because I always knew something in my marriage wasn't right and it was like all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place the moment he told me. At the time we agreed that he would move out and start living his life.
Unfortunately, exactly 1 month after him coming out, I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. There and then he chose to stay by my side through 16 months of chemo, radiation and countless surgeries and to stay "faithful" to me until I was better. I must add that I now decided to fight for my marriage too as well as my life. I thought I could turn him straight, and I tried....duh!! He wasn't bi, he was gay and this became more and more apparent as each month passed. He has reached the point where he cannot have sex with me anymore - that was the biggest hurt for me to overcome -- knowing I am no longer "wanted" by him (not that we had the greatest of sex lives before).
I didn't want this to be a long story but this is where we are now.........
I am not in remission - my cancer is lying dormant. I get tested every 3 months.
He moved out in May. We have the weirdest set up. He lives down the road, fetches the kids for school each day, comes for dinner on a Tues night, kids sleep at him on Weds nights. Come the weekends, he moves into my house from Friday to Sunday - sleeps in my bed. We haven't told the kids the reason for the split but we are hoping to do it next week.
He is seeing men once again and although it hurts me, I have had to accept it. I still have his emotional love and he has told me that if he ever falls for a man, he will admit it to me. He has also promised that when I need treatment again or looking after, he will be right there by my side, whether he has a steady boyfriend or not.
I have joined the forums on WOBGH and Alternate Paths on Yahoo and find them to be quite helpful. It has taken me nearly two years to realise that, although my hubby loves me, he just doesn't love me like a heterosexual man loves a woman.
I wish you the best of luck