I was wondering if there are any online resources or support for gay men who are suffering from HOCD. I have a very good feeling that I have this disorder because I have experienced anxiety spikes, over thinking, ruminations, basically all the symptoms of the disorder for the past 9 months now. I really don't have the income or the courage to see a real counselor/therapist nor can I talk about this sort of thing to anyone in real life so I was wondering if there are any online resources. I ask specifically for gay men because 99 percent of the forums online are geared towards heterosexuals and they strive to reinforce that the individuals suffering from HOCD are NOT gay and just having to sit through another post that tries to advocate that message for the millionth time makes me even more insecure and nervous. I simply want a safe and supportive place by gay people and for gay people which simply states that "Gay is okay and fantastic". Honestly that is such a hard thing to come across. It is even harder when people try to project the idea that there is no such thing as "homosexuality" and that everyone is bi but yeah I feel its unfair how heterosexual suffers are coddled with the notion that they're really straight and they're simply going through a rough time but in due time they'll move past the turmoil. That message isn't there for gay individuals, every forum I've come across merely states "oh maybe you're bi" and it just upsets. Thanks for your help
Hi, Serph. If I'm hearing you correctly, what it sounds like is that you know you're gay, but are having difficulties with obsessive thoughts about maybe being straight, or constantly questioning yourself? Or if that isn't it, can you please describe a bit more so I can better understand? The reason it's important is because HOCD doesn't really exist as a standalone diagnosis; what it sounds like you're describing is OCD symptoms that are primarily manifesting as questioning your sexual orientation. Are you having any other OCD-related symptoms/behaviors in other aspects of your life?
Yes that's correct but the obsessive thoughts are more geared towards fear of being bisexual rather than straight, I know for a fact that I am interested in men emotionally and physically, never been into women before though growing up I kind of questioned here and there since everyone around me fit into that heteronormative idea. I do think I do have aspects of OCD like constantly over thinking, asking "what if" questions and never really feeling safe. In the past few years my over thinking was geared towards social situations, feeling left out and such and I would often have the thought "what if x and y event goes the wrong way and I mess up totally" but everything related to my sexuality started with an anxiety spike a few months back and that led me to over think 24/7 about it and start to worry. I just want resources tbh
OK. I don't think you need HOCD resources (of which there aren't any good ones anyway, since it isn't a standalone disorder), but OCD ones. There's an excellent book called "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz, MD that deals specifically with OCD and offers comprehensive strategies and information to help overcome the symptoms. Schwartz has been working with OCD for many years and his interventions are considered among the best. Medication is also an option, but honestly, if you can use the behavioral approaches and they are successful for you, that's a much better option.
I can't offer resources, but I can relate I guess. I kept going from the gay label to the bi label and back for years. Currently figured lesbian fits me better, but I still get those OCD-like thoughts and worry about being bisexual from time to time. I am an obsessive person in general and suffer from other anxiety disorders, so it's nothing out of the usual for me. Anyways, what I always try to do is simply think rationally about it. Like, why am I afraid of being bisexual? Isn't a label just semantics anyways? If I ever meet a guy I want to fuck, and he wants to fuck me too, by all means I shall fuck him. I shall enjoy having his rock-hard cock in my pussy. And then life goes on. Whether after such an event the word bisexual would apply to me in the eyes of society or whomever, even though I only had sex with women before that event... what does it matter? Humans do what they want to, do what feels good to them at any given moment. If at some point in time, being fucked by a man is what my body desires, that's fine. The more laissez-faire I try to be about things, the less anxiety I tend to have. OCD is a lot about control - but control only temporarily soothes anxiety, in the long run it makes it worse. Realising that we cannot control everything, that most things aren't black and white and that words are abstract entities, socially constructed, not fully congruent with physical reality ... is liberating, and in my case makes me experience significantly less anxiety.
That's what a lot of people online tell me, not to fight thoughts and just accept them as mere thoughts, if they're trying to convince me I'm bi then just say "okay cool" and move on. But see its not so easy. I'm still young and trying to figure out things, I desperately want, crave, a sense of community and I have as of yet haven't had any support in being gay. I want gay friends, a sense of belonging but I feel like its not being given to me since I have social anxiety and I'm socially awkward so I don't know how to go out there and then to have these irrational thoughts sweep in and trying to force me to be something I'm not is just so weird, alien to me. I have never been attracted to girls in the past and honestly trying to connect with them emotionally is so weird, I've been drawn to men always. So that's why I just can't be so nonchalant about it tbh. I'm trying what you said though tbh, I'm just taking these thoughts as fleeting things but yeah I just love being gay and love men I don't want to be anything else.
Hey Serph990, I was searching for HOCD on this site on came across your thread. I am a 26 year old gay man who is suffering pretty much from the same thing as you. It's driving me crazy, and only gets worst the more I think about it. I know that I'm gay, and hate hearing suggestions that I'm bi or possibly straight after all. I've identified as gay since I was 12, so the idea that I can suddenly become a different orientation is ridiculous. I have a good idea that I suffer from OCD to some degree, so HOCD sounds like the culprit for me. I have not found any helpful information about overcoming HOCD, since (like you stated) all of it seems to be geared towards straight people. I am going to check out "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz, but was wondering if you have found any helpful information that gay men can use to overcome HOCD? I hope to hear from you Thanks, Jonathan
Hi, Jonathan. There aren't any good resources for HOCD because HOCD by itself doesn't exist as a standalone disorder. What you likely have is simply OCD or OCD traits. The book I referenced above is among the best; Dr. Schwartz has been researching OCD for 20+ years and his interventions have had better success than any other behavioral approach. There are drugs that can be helpful with OCD (which is related to anxiety disorders and is affected by the same neurotransmitter pathways) but you're much better off, if it isn't totally debilitating, trying the behavioral approach first, as if it works, it will solve the problem permanently.
