Forgiveness

I forgive relatively easily, I just can't stay mad/hurt at someone. That being said if it becomes a cycle of break trust then forgive, then I cut them out of my life.

 

I think everyone's mistakes should be forgiven if they learned from their mistake and know not to do it again.

 

I don't feel anger, not a lot anyway. So often there's not much for me to forgive.
Then again I haven't really ever been hurt by anyone so :/

 

I forgive people when they want to be forgiven. I'm not going to forgive someone if they're not genuinely sorry. That's just dumb, in my opinion, because they'll probably do something else stupid to hurt you again.

 

i'd say it totally depends on the person.
i read a book about forgiveness and there was this one case where the mother felt deep hatred and anger towards the person that murdered her child. She said that along the journey, she's come to terms to with herself that she was never going to move forward if she couldn't forgive the person that took what was precious to her. That to me seems like a hard line to walk in comparison to what i know, or at least, knew about forgiveness. i read on and on about these other stories and that one line that stood out to me was that forgiveness was an angry misunderstood creature, sealed in a cage, waiting to get out of it's freedom, i guess around that time it made sense to me in a way. i don't remember the name of the book, definitely would read it again. in any cases, i'd say it depends. on the person or the "mistakes" that came along with it. i can say for sure personally that it's harder to forgive.

 

There is a book on this very topic. I believe the author, who is American, has a PhD. Hopefully, it's in psychology or a subject that would make them qualified to write such a book. I didn't buy the book to have at home. The book mentioned that forgiveness has to be earned. To me, this means that the person doesn't repeat those actions or words which impacted you. The problem is that a dance develops with certain people, they find a specific way to interact with you, and they rarely break the cycle of transgressing. You should NOT forgive that person. You should cut them loose sooner than later.

I have a few examples of this. However, I will share one. I sort of fell into a friendship with a woman who is 5 weeks apart from me in age and does the same type of work. It was wholly based on that ... those are two big things to have in common. However, she repeatedly overstepped boundaries in other areas of my life where she was told not to go. All of her responses began with "But I thought (*I was helping you in some way*)." Any sane person would have seen these behaviors as intrusive. I told her "I don't need you to think for me, ok." I "forgave" her a few times. After about the 3rd time across a span of years, I cut her off. Incidentally, I got to know her parents. I then understood where she had learned these annoying and meddlesome behaviors. I looked back and regretted that I had ever befriended her , not to mention the time I wasted.

I've met people after being away from them for 5, 10, or 15 years. They haven't changed. It's pointless to take up with them where things left off. Therefore, I don't often forgive. Why should I? Old habits die hard. Does this hurt me or is it bad for me? People like to glorify how good forgiveness feels. I don't know. That's a little too utopian. The best way to heal is to stick to people who are good to you and for you, and find new ones who are as well.

---------- Post added 15th Jun 2014 at 08:21 PM ----------

But is this so? You can live in the present, and just do so by cutting this people out. In time, you forget about them. At least, most of the time you do.

 

I think that in order to talk about forgiveness, we have to talk about apology. I have a philosophy on both forgiveness and apology, and this is what I consider the appropriate sequence is:

1) A wrongs B
2) B is hurt and conveys this to A.
3) A gives B time to process the feelings of anger, sadness, and loss. This gives A time to comprehend the gravity of the offense.
4) A makes an explained, unconditional apology to B. The explanation component serves to show that A has genuine remorse because she took the time to understand how her actions caused B to be hurt. The unconditional component requires that A does not excuse herself in some way, diminish her culpability, or minimize the significance of the event. Furthermore, it requires that the apology does not in any way blame B.
5) B makes a choice with respect to the apology.

Here, B has options:

1) Decide that the event has a remedy and that the apology is genuine.
2) Reject the apology because it is conditional, showing an attempt to blame or shirk responsibility.
3) Reject the apology because it is insufficiently explained, showing a lack of true empathy by failing to engage with the harm caused.
4) Decide that the event has no remedy and reject any apology, even a sincere one.

The last three rejection scenarios are, I think, all legitimate ones. Usually, people are told they categorically "must" accept all apologies--even poor ones--and forgive, as though forgiveness is a can of soda that comes from a machine after you put the right amount of coin in. Forgiveness is a serious decision to accept the finality of an event and begin a compassionate process of reconciliation. I don't think that people should be commanded to forgive on moral grounds (as in "Jesus taught us to forgive") or on mental health grounds (as in "holding grudges will eat you up on the inside")

Some things really are unforgivable. But I don't think that non-forgiveness necessarily means an evil or vindictive disposition. Nor do I think those who decline to forgive have questionable emotional fortitude either. They simply decline to forgive because they don't think they can heal with that person anymore.

 

Depends on situation.

It is easier for me to forget than forgive somethings.

I have a thick skin and objective look to things so it is really hard to hurt me. So if things go far to asking for forgiveness stage, I can't do it. So that person is as good as dead for me. It is least painful for both sides believe me.

 

There are two books and I outright FORGOT which one I had read. Here they are, on Amazon. They were rated highly. Both are PhDs with apparent backgrounds as psychotherapists. Take a look:

By author Spring -
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To: Janis A. Spring: 9780060009311: Amazon.com: Books

By author Safer -
Forgiving and Not Forgiving: Why Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive - Kindle edition by Jeanne Safer. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Forgiveness has to be earned. It is NOT a freebie.

 

It's pretty simple (and I don't mean that in an offensive manner)

to heal you have to let go and although it seems counterintuitive, to let go is to forgive. Know that you have hurts others just as you've been hurt. Forgive him/her and move on with your life

An old Zen tale states that one day two zen monks were travelling and came upon a creek. The creek was muddy and filthy. A young lady was nervously attempting to cross the creek without damaging her shoes and dress. The monk hoisted her up and carried her across the creek and not one speck of mud damage her clothes.

As they travelled on, the second monk said "brother, we are not to touch women. Why did you carry her?"

The first monk said"Brother, I put her down on the other side of the creek. why are YOU still carrying her?"

____________________________________________________________________________

This tale isn't necessarily about forgiveness directly but consider the message of this Koan. We carry what we choose to carry. Those who deal in the present and forgive choose not to carry their past any further

 

I forgive things.

I do not let the relationship I have with people who broke my trust return to the spot it started very easily. In fact those people who I feel have betrayed me I've forgiven in terms of moving on but I will not associate with them, including someone I loved like a brother.

 

I like that story.

 

From my Christian upbringing(not to say Atheist or other religions can't forgive) forgiveness was a priority. I forgive people, but not for their sake, but for mine. I'm not fond of petty 'sorries' but I will eliminate contact immediately if I feel there is no positive aspects in a relationship of any kind.

 

on most occasion I can forgive & forget A few I have forgiven But its difficult to forget .

 

The best way to handle this is truly to move on, both mentally AND physically. However, there are cases, such as in a work situation or in a family situation, where the perpetrator keeps perpetrating. How do you forgive them? Why would you forgive them? It might be hard to remove oneself from such a situation. I've known of people who have had to continue in households with people who (sexually) abused them because that was the roof over their heads, and that must make for a huge head trip, having to see that person every day. In those cases, what should one do? Telling them you forgive them, or even not telling them, and allowing the abuse, even verbal or emotional, makes a person a doormat. Where do we draw boundaries here? I see what you're saying, but I'm wondering about practical defense strategies to take.

 

i forgive when i want to and feel like i have to otherwise if im not comfortable with what the person have done and i cant cope with being with him or her anymore after what they did its better to say goodbye
but also it depends on the person i mean if he was a lover or some old best friend of mine you know those people are forgivable in all ways in my heart no matter what but they do have to show me more than just sorry
and btw i dont usually think like that i was a stupid very nice dude who forgive anyone and believes everything but i come to terms with myself that life is hard and if i didn't hold my head high people will cut it off in the end saying sorry

 

It depends. If it's something small, I can forgive. If it was a more substantial infraction, it'll take time and maybe an apology. Something big though? Usually I need a tall, cold glass of revenge. Hey, at least I admit it. It just feels so damn good!

And I NEVER forget.

 

I totally agree with this and respect your position. It depends on the gravity.

In a rare few cases where it was serious and egregious, I took the "for every action, there is a reaction" approach. Is it revenge? Not necessarily. It could help set boundaries. In a few cases, I've had it escalate. In most cases, it caused the problem to cease.

 

I tend to forgive. As far as people earning forgiveness I think that would be the case if I forgave people for their sake, but I don't--I do it for my sake. I've always liked the old Buddhist saying: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." If someone has hurt me why should I give them additional power over my by continuing to let that action hurt me over and over and over?