Autism and Gender dysphoria all tangled up

Yes, I have been discussing it in my counselling sessions but I would like a diagnosis so that I can get some specialist support in dealing with autism day to day.

No, it's not that I am worried about what others are thinking of me. It's not that see something of myself in others either, although I do get that often with my family. It's more like...I prefer to be alone than with other people because even though sometimes I feel lonely, I get to see less of myself than when I am with others. When I'm alone, although I'm stuck with my own thoughts, I'm not constantly seeing the parts of myself that I dislike in the way that I would if I was spending my time with other people. I think that's the reason why I prefer to be alone rather than actually disliking other people's company. I don't dislike other people, I dislike me. I was wondering if this could be related to my autism???

 

Oh, I see what you mean. I think I understand. It's that the social part of you is difficult and you dislike that part of yourself? I feel more "normal" myself when alone, despite all of my other mental health issues, because it's just me. I'm going about doing my own business and having things my own way, and not having to deal with interacting with others, either. But when I encounter people I have to interface and that's harder. Those social issues then come to the surface, because it's a social situation. Is that what you mean? If so, yes, that could be related to autism. It could also be related to social anxiety, if you have that, as well.

 

Talking to people is a bit different for me than you I think.
I get upset when talking to people because its so exhausting for me, I just can't be asked anymore. Listening to their words can be tedious and mind numbing, up to the point where I break conversation and have to lie down - and sometimes even cry.

Also, yes, could you clarify if it's you who's repulsed, or you that's worried about others being repulsed?

 

I think you've just hit the nail on the head. I do feel more "normal" when I'm on my own. Being around others just makes me aware of how abnormal I am being trans and autistic. I just hate who I am, inside and out.

---------- Post added 19th Jun 2014 at 07:16 PM ----------

Oh ok. I don't suffer in quite the same way as you. Socialising is exhausting for me but I don't get upset. I sometimes just retreat in my mind or rush to get away so I can be on my own again.

I am repulsed by myself and I also imagine other people would be.

 

You shouldn't hate who you are, but I sympathize. I frequently get frustrated with myself, especially when I have the classic meltdowns, or need pressure applied or something ... it feels very child-like (and I know child-like behavior is a common thread with ASD) - and it's just embarrassing.

Talking to people can also be horrific, because on an off day especially, words aren't fluid at all. It's like trying to put together Lego bricks in my mouth while reciting poetry as delicately as I can. It doesn't work, they fly out of my mouth, offend someone (or multiples), or worse yet ... NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.

Still, I've learned this through asking my friends/family/peers: it's always harder/more awkward/embarrassing/frustrating for the person *with* ASD than it is for those looking in. It's not as horrible as we feel it is.

I just want to reiterate that, even by being as open as you are here, you're taking steps forward - and that's such a positive thing. Bravo!

 

I often feel child-like in my behaviour and in the way I perceive things. It's embarrassing because I'm 26 and have a degree yet I feel so much younger than my age. Before I realised I was trans, I had just about mastered how to fake it but now, everything has been stripped back with my transition and I am left feeling more clumsy and awkward than ever.

The responsibilities of adulthood, trying to balance several things at once - managing my transition while trying to tread carefully around my family's feelings, finding employment, thinking about how I'm going to support myself financially, where I'm going to live etc. - it just feels too much for me to handle. I have always had a one track mind which I now realise is part of my ASD and up until now, by staying in education I had managed to shirk all responsibilities. My studies had my undivided attention and everything else was in the background just ticking over (well, until they broke down ). Now, there's no avoiding the fact that I've got to face up to my responsibilities and 'act my age'. The problem is, the only way I know how is to approach things in my usual robotic manner - logically and methodically. :rolle:

 

I'm in a similar boat. Will write more later.