I cried myself to sleep last night. I hadn't let myself cry because of my gender identity. I told myself I didn't need to cry over it, but last night everything just hurt. I felt like I was suffocating in my body. My stomach was twisting and turning, my chest felt tight, and I couldn't get ahold of myself. I'm so tired of feeling trapped in my body. I know my body is just a vessel for my mind, but it's HURTING me. I feel sick and trapped and I feel like I can't get any help. I want to dress in dresses and skirts, but it hurts so much to wear them now because then I don't look right! I love the clothes and I want to wear them and I feel so torn! I'm not happy anymore and I'm scared that I'm going to do something stupid. I keep thinking about cutting my breasts, either to cut them for pain, or to cut them off entirely. I'm so afraid and I feel like I'm falling into a depression. I keep trying and trying and trying to keep myself positive and happy, but it's not working! I don't know what to do! I'm hurting so much and I'm scared and everything is falling apart! I finally got a sleepover scheduled with my closest friends so I could come out to them and get some support, but now I'm not going to be able to show up to this sleepover till nearly 9 or 10 at night! My mom's company is taking the staff out to horse racing and I have to wear a dress. My skin is crawling at the thought of it and I don't want to! I'll be in this dress for 3-4 hours and I don't know if I can handle that! I'm really tired of hurting like this all the time and I don't know why I even bother getting up anymore. I can't figure out why I go on every day. It just hurts more and more. Why do I even bother anymore.
Well first off please do not hurt yourself. Self harm in such an extreme way can lead to bleeding out. I'm very serious that it isn't worth dying over. It does get better. Let me ask how does your mom and dad feel about lgbt stuff? Do you have friends you can tell? Support? Counselors? You need to talk to someone. Even if it's under false pretenses, speak to a counselor. Your parents should noticed you are depressed. Tell a professional. A therapist is not supposed to tell anything to anyone unless it involves harming themselves or another. Which is your main issue you need to avoid. Please don't hurt yourself. Call a local lbgt help line. Assuming you mean Washington state check here to start for local help.
I won't hurt myself no matter how much I want to. That would make me a huge failure in my parents eyes, and I can't handle that on top of everything else. My mom has openly stated that she has no problem with my trans friends, but in the same breath she's also said she's glad she doesn't have tp deal with it in her family, so I don't know what would happen if I came out. I'm trying to get into a local support group now, and I started looking up natural ways to boost my testosterone levels. I'm trying to figure out the rates for pole dancing lessons too because that's something I've always wanted to do. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself happy, and I'm trying really hard, but it just hasn't worked that well this week. And my mom won't noticed I'm depressed unless it gets severe. She works 10-12 hors a day 5+ days a week, and my dad is a trunk driver who is only home for three days every three weeks. They won't notice, and I've mentioned it before and my mom has brushed me off. I don't think I can get help from a counselor right now anyway cause we can't afford it.
This. You need / deserve council. Feel free to hang with us tho X). I'm sure we can make u feel a little better. Anything you want to talk about?(*hug*)
Hey, I'm so glad that you wouldn't harm yourself but even these thoughts are hurting you. If you aren't able to afford counseling right now, you might look to see if there is a community support group that you could attend. Many of us on here have dealt with depression and are empathetic to your situation. Feel free to post to my wall if you need to talk about anything. (*hug*) And for what it's worth, I don't think that there's anything wrong with expressing both your identity and your femininity. Just be authentic to yourself, and you'll get through it.
There is a support group called Stonewall. It's specifically for LGBTQQIA youth and they meet for three hours every Wednesday. I don't know if they meet over the summer. I have to fill out a preliminary application thing that I'm working on now, and then we'll see if I actually get to attend. I'm trying to be true to myself and be authentic, but it's really hard when nothing seems to be matching right now. My body, my gender identity, my gender expression, none of it matches and it's making my life hell.
My mom said the exact same thing so I know how that feels (*hug*) I would definitely try going to a trans support group though, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe they can help with ways to come out.
