Any other "questioning" females go back and forth?

A movie actually helped me with this. In the movie But I'm a Cheerleader she talks about how she would always look at girls, she had pictures of girls up in her locker at school and thought that every girl did that. Now, I'm sure there are straight girls out there that do that, but I had been posting pictures of models everywhere for yearrrsss. I had tons of magazines and I loved all of the beauty and fashion related stuff but I also adored looking at the models.

I know who most supermodels were prior to their demise as a "thing" in fashion.

Thats just one small facet, but as a part of the whole, its pretty obvious I prefer women and for me any past interest in men was forced because it was expected and I thought there was no alternative for me.

 

I posted this on another thread, but just let yourself FEEL without restrictions... without worrying about what your family will think.. what your friends will think. Trust your gut. I wish I had done so a long time ago. My gut told me again and again and again that I was gay. I always pushed it back.

---------- Post added 25th Jun 2014 at 05:21 PM ----------

I looked at Playboys too. About a year ago I bought some back issues of Playboy and was all "Why am I doing this??"

I was questioning my religious belief at the time, and getting Playboys just seemed like a good idea to me... erm hello? lol! Its funny to look back on it.

 

I know, I felt that way too. Every time when me and my bf went to a restaurant and I paid more attention to the waitress who made me giggle like an idiot. Or when we had sex and I thought about a woman I met earlier that day...
Over the time I realized it's more horrible to stay with him, pretend I enjoy sex with him and keep living straight life when all I want is to be with a woman.

 

Story of my life for the past 6 months!!

 

We called them girlie mags at my house. I had actually hid some in my room. One I shared with my younger brother while mine was being remodeled. I forgot I hid them in there and my bro got busted for them. When I told him a was queer. He was like duh. Could've told you that 25yrs ago when I got busted for Your Playboys! Lol. Anyway...I completely understand all the feelings you are having. The lying, the hiding and the depressing. I went from questioning to queer. It felt good. I still need to figure out how to tell my hubby without crushing him. But it has to happen. Are you still talking to the friend you are crushing on? I had to put some space between mine and me. Clear my brain alittle. That might help. Remember I am hear to talk it out. Good luck.

 

I've been like this back and forth for 5+ years, where I;ve not been in that teenage denial of "I just admire her" stage... But now I'm finding more and more I'm prefering women looks wise and sexually. I like guys but i really dont want to sleep with one at the moment and I'm not sure if I will want to again, but I'm still attracted by them
It's annoying and emotionally draining and it feels like I've going through my teens in my 20's... Many sleepless nights thinking about it

 

I had a boyfriend last winter who was an amazing guy. I thought Iloved him. I thought, "I wonder if he'll be the one?'.

But after the novelty of having him as a boyfriend wwore off, I realized there was no spark. No drive to be together. Kisses felt like a chore. Holding hands felt like lying. He was an awesome person, just... There wasn't anything there for me.

Not to say that another guy might not be The One, but he wasn't. And a month or so later, I realized I liked girls much better than guys. Maybe I'mbisexual, but I prefer to think of myself as Lesbian, because really, the idea of being with a guy isn't appealing in the least.

I was so conflicted about labels, when I was questioning. Where did I fit? What was I, really?

The thing to remember, is that you don't need to call yourself anything. If you don't feel for your boyfriend, maybe it's time to end it, unless you think you can make it work. Otherwise, just listen to your feelings and instincts. Just try to figure things out and give yourself time to learn who you really are, before you try to find where you fit. Some people know right off the bat whether or not they're gay, bi, or straight. For others, it will indeed shift over the years. And some of us never really know. We just make the most of it and do what feels right.

 

I've struggled with this too over the years. And yes I've gone round and round in circles, trying to make sense of all my attractions towards women and men, and how they differ, and how to reconcile them. Things like - "oh but I was sexually attracted to him, but what about her - she was loovely". Part of it was, like someone else has said, when I was with men, being with a woman wasn't really an option in my head - everyone is just straight, and that is that. I also knew I enjoyed penetration, so being naive, thought obviously (!) I could only get that from a man.

The more I allow myself complete freedom to just be, and enjoy my attractions towards women, the more my attractions towards them strengthens, and the idea of being with a man now, is like opting for second best. And that's not even to do with the physical act of sex. I just like women and the sexiness they exude, their charisma. It's like a magnetic thing, I am just drawn to them.

I think from being a relationship with a woman over the last couple of months, the more I realise this. I just feel like I am being "me" more, and generally feel like I'm not having to force anything. I love waking up next to her, of sharing a bed with her, our chats.

Being with this woman has made me realise being a lesbian is not just about who you fancy; it is about who you are as a person, and how you relate to people. I think this deeper layer I am unravelling about myself, the more it makes sense I should be in a lesbian relationship - it just seems so much more natural, and I feel freer.

So, yeah, I'm a lesbian

 

I am questioning right now, but I've got so tired of looking for a label that fits me that I decided to consider myself unlabeled, at least for now.

 

I can so relate to this. I used to edit and dismiss all of my feelings and attractions toward women. It feels good to let myself feel attracted to them without shame.

Theres kind-of a grieving process in it as well. I'm kinda grieving my past self and how I had to hide. I truly hope that future generations never have to experience this.

 

I could have written every word you said, Purplefrog! And Melanie, your posts have also been extremely helpful to me. I am new around here and you ladies have each mentioned things that are helping me not feel so alone in my situation.

I can totally relate to the evolution of feelings and self-awareness as you describe above, Purplefrog - regarding being in a relationship with a woman.

One of my issues is that at age 27, I have had crushes on guys, can't recall any specific crushes on girls but I have had some sexual interest in girl friends over the years (maybe just repressed attraction?), but haven't been in a romantic/sexual relationship with a guy. So it makes me wonder if I need to try that to know who I really am - has anyone else felt this way? If so, how did you deal with it and how did it work out? My current girlfriend is my first romantic/sexual partner and I am very satisfied and enjoying the relationship...I just don't know what label best fits me yet (if one even does).

I have noticed since she appeared in my life, my girl is ALL I see. I don't even notice men anymore. Has this happened to anyone else? What did it mean for you and when did it happen on your journey to sexual/romantic orientation identification and acceptance? Thanks ladies!

 

Yes all the time!! Someone mentioned you can have an emotional connection with girls and a physical connection with guys or the other way around. It makes sense but where does that leave you? You cant have a solid relationship just based on sex or just based on any one thing and thats what confuses me :/ If you really love someone shouldnt you get both?

 

Hi Irishluck... I am so happy to hear that my posts are helping. I do my best to be transparent with my feelings and past hoping that it will help others as others have helped me with the same.

I think it was Valerie that posted (on a different thread) that her "sexual attraction" to men was rooted more in trying to resolve certain issues with her own father. I feel that my attraction to men was similar. It always felt forced and uncomfortable as in "what am I doing?" rather than being excited.

I couldnt recall much specific attraction to girls but I believe that its mostly because I never let it surface. I felt that it was wrong and that there was no way that I was gay. As Ive said elsewhere on this site it wasnt even on the table for me until recently. Now, men arent even on the table for me except for as friends (and I have some wonderful guy friends!).

I resisted labeling myself until I felt comfortable with it. I wasnt sure I would ever feel comfortable with a label. The important thing for me was to not pressure myself either way and just let things materialize without trying to force anything.

 

Yep, I understand completely what you're talking about. It's a complicated thing. There are times when I find myself just checking out girls and seeing myself in a relationship with just girls. But at the same time, I catch myself looking at guys too. It's been this way ever since I've come to assume that I'm probably not straight.