I am frustrated. I am frustrated with my gender identity, I'm frustrated with society, I'm frustrated with my body, and I'm frustrated with my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a second class citizen because I'm trans. I'm tired of feeling like I should not be allowed to question my gender identity. I am so upset that I even figured this out, because at least before I knew I was semi-comfortable with myself. Now I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every single day. I feel like everything about me is wrong, and I'm so sick of looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell is wrong with my body. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a teenage girl. I am sick of feeling depressed all the time. I want to be happy again. I want to be confident in myself again. I want to look at my body and smile with the force of a thousand suns. I want to stop feeling like a freak for wanting to dress in women's clothes. I want to stop feeling like some sick pervert for wanting to look male but dress feminine. I want to feel comfortable with myself and my body. I want to stop feeling like I'm going to cry every single day. I want to stop doubting my gender identity. I want to stop looking at the razors and thinking about how many cuts I should make in my skin. I want to love my body again. I want to treasure my body, not hate it. I want to feel like my body is precious, rather than think it's a piece of crap that doesn't match. I want to be happy so bad and I feel like I'm never going to get that again. I'm so tired of feelin upset and angry and sad and sometimes I wonder why I even bother anymore.
(*hug*) I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling bad Ash! I really don't know what to say...I want to say something reassuring but I don't know what to say, so I'm going to go for the only thing that sticks out in my head... I want to love my body again. I want to treasure my body, not hate it. I want to feel like my body is precious, rather than think it's a piece of crap that doesn't match. I don't know if this will help you in any way, it probably won't but I know it helped me. Your body IS a piece of crap. It isn't precious or sacred or something to treasure. Yours isn't, mine isn't, nobodies is. They just aren't. Your mind is precious. Your personality is precious. If you believe in it, your SOUL is precious. YOU are precious. Your body isn't. Your body is just a thing that carries you around. You take care of it and maintain it, and it has some importance, but it isn't the beautiful sacred thing people think it is. I see my body as being functionally identical to a car. It carries me around. If I want to alter it I can, because it doesn't matter. What my body looks like doesn't change who I am, but that doesn't mean I can't make my body look how I want it to.(*hug*)
I'm so sorry you are experiencing all of this frustration and pain. Please don't do anything to harm yourself! All of these things you want are entirely reasonable - you deserve to be happy and to live your life as who you truly are (*hug*)
(*hug*) I'm sorry to hear about all this frustration. I really hope things get better soon, and if there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I second the idea that you deserve to be happy.
You are not a second class citizen. There are going to be tons and tons of people who won't accept that there are people different than our community, that there are people different than them. But there are also many people out there who spend their time fighting for our rights, for the LQBTQIA rights. There are a large amount of people out there who were in your place. You are worth it, and your body is a treasure.
Thank you all for your support. I've just been getting more and more frustrated, but it's gotten a little better today cause a random stranger used male pronouns on the first try and it made me happier. Thank you all!
