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I did it...told my wife I'm gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by marriedguy, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. marriedguy

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    Thanks to my earlier post and all the advice and support I got, I was able to reflect on my life over the last several days and come to terms with my true self. I came out to myself in my late teens as bisexual and then to my wife about 12 years ago.

    But after reading all the great responses, I began to think about my past and my thoughts and feelings over the years. Yea my wife and I had a great sex life for years but I still fascinated about guys during sex. When I started to add up all the pieces over the last few days, it started to make sense that I was covering up my feelings. I'm married, I'm gay and I'm not ashamed!

    I didn't marry with the hopes of covering it up or to hide, I just wasn't being honest with myself. So during a discussion with my wife yesterday, I came out as gay and not bi as she thought I was. What a feeling....it was awesome. I'm not sure what the future holds but one day at a time. We're not fighting about it as we do love each other after 25 years. I'll give an update soon but thanks EC as I just needed an eye opener and an extra push.
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    Congratulations, that's a huge step! Hopefully, things continue to stay positive between the two of you. I would make sure that she is not just stuck in a sense of shock and is coping well.
     
  3. ukguy

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    Congrats - but get ready for a rollercoaster of emotions possibly from your wife and yourself. But they will pass in time....
     
  4. Richie.

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    You're brave man!
     
  5. PinkCammelia90

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    Congratulations! It's wonderful to hear that your wife is supportive of you. You should be proud of yourself :slight_smile:
     
  6. Adventuretime

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    Congratulations...I'm glad it went well ^_^
     
  7. TheFSM

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    Congrats!
     
  8. BeingEarnest

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    What a big step, for you and your family. It sounds like your wife had time to reflect over the years since you first said you were bi. I hope this makes the transition smooth for you both. I came out to my wife 2months ago, and the shock was terrifying for her, as is the grief for both of us. We are finding therapy very helpful. She also found a book 'my husband is gay' which talks about the experience from the spouse' s point of view. We are reading the book together, and discussing it.
    In all of this , I am grappling with the question, what does this mean for me? I am trying to understand it as identity, and not just a desire for men. And how do we move forward in a way that leads to health and wholeness for each other, as we live our relationship in a way neither of us ever imagined before.
    I hope the transition for you and your wife is filled with moments of grace.
     
  9. Tracker57

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    Congratulations on taking that scary first step. We're all here for you cheering you along.
     
  10. BlueSky224

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    Wonderful! Congratulations!
     
  11. SaleGayGuy

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    Congratulations on this huge first step to a new you. I hope all runs as smoothly as it can.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  12. Weston

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    I have indulged my desire for men pretty freely over the past 5 years, since I stopped having sex with my wife, and I believe I could continue to do so for the rest of my life without ever coming out to her (begging the question of whether she in fact "knows" already that I am gay). Instead, it is my desire to freely express my identity as a gay man that is driving me closer and closer to coming out every day. Even if I were never to experience gay sex again, it would be worth it to me just to be in the company of other gay men and to never again try to modulate my gay voice or subdue my gay mannerisms.
     
  13. Aaron82

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    Congratulation:slight_smile: Happy with you.
     
  14. Gaysibling

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    Congratulations! That is a huge step you have taken and I am sure it took a lot of courage. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more of your story as you progress further in your journey. There may be a few stumbles along the way, but it sounds like you're headed in the right direction :slight_smile:
     
  15. I told her

    I told her Guest

    I wish you and your wife the very best. Did she have any "woman's intuition" about you being gay?
     
  16. idkgrrrl

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    Congrats dude! :slight_smile: hope all stays well.
     
  17. MarthRoyIke

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    I'm sorry to bring some negativity into this thread of congratulations but I have a small point to make concerning @Weston's comment.

    By your own admission you are seeking out the comfort of other men, either physically, emotionally, or both, while simultaneously depriving your wife of sexual contact. You are knowingly and deliberately deceiving your wife, presumably for your own benefit at resolving the conflict between your marriage and your sexuality. While we are all here struggling to resolve this conflict as best as we can, and we should strive to remain steadfast in our vows and communicate with our spouses.

    You're involving yourself with other people without her knowledge; this is clearly deception. The mere fact that you expressed you never came out to her suggests that you never agreed to an open marriage before becoming intimate with other people. That isn't fair, and can't be justified by your sexual orientation conflict alone or saying she had to know. You haven't even given your wife the chance to process this and help you, or compromise, or have a say in her own relationship.

    When you reveal your sexuality to her, she will ask if you were faithful (regardless if she already 'knows' or if she was unfaithful herself). You will then either lie some more or tell the truth, exposing more lies that are way more severe and damaging than the one you told yourself. It's the lies that our spouses despise the most, and you can't expect coming out to her to go gracefully when you're deliberately deceiving her in this way.

    Please, take some time to think of your actions and her feelings. Again, I am not sure what kind of relationships you are having with men outside your marriage, but when you choose to be honest with her, or if you're caught, all of this is going to be revealed anyway and it will cause more pain for both of you down the road.

    My apologies for the intrusion. Congratulations for being honest with your wife @marriedguy.
     
  18. Congratulations! Good luck!