I am 41 should I come out or let sleeping dogs lie?

My answer is not the popular one.

It is to assess the SPECIFIC situation.

The first part is "are you honest with yourself?" It sounds like you are. Believe me, there are some Kinsey 6s who are in denial.

The next part is your family. Family usually knows. They put all the clues together. I've posted this before. When I was a teen, I got walked in on by one of my parents while experimenting. They walked out of this additional, separate room in the back of the house and never said a word. Then, my other parent just sort of knew, based on things said, but did not say much that was judgmental. At the sibling level, snooping took care of that. This was the worst. A letter INSIDE my desk was read. It didn't have anything to do with me, but a friend recounted of a situation he had with a married male customer while working at a car dealership. As for the others, well ... they can keep thinking whatever they want. I can sense that telling them would either be something for them to spread around, without me being able to explain or elaborate, or a feather in their cap. The latter applies to those who are fishing with their snide comments and questions. Those who are fishing are the biggest of jerks and also the most disrespectful of someone's space.

My feeling is to come out when you've found a significant other you want to build a life around. At that point, it really makes sense. And, in the meantime, there's nothing to keep you from interacting with clubs or support groups based on sexual identity.

Most importantly, if you are experiencing depression or any mental distress, see a mental health practitioner. They are tougher to choose than your own doctor. That relationship is important. Also, the way they all deal with sexual identity and how to reveal it is different. A good one will work with your needs and your situation. They don't have cut and dried solutions as in "one size fits all." If they do, it's because they have a political bent to the left or to the right, or a religious bent to the right.

If you are comfortable with yourself and are not in mental distress, then this situation involves weighing all these factors.

But read everyone else's responses, too. I'm sure you will.

 

I'm having a similar argument as the OP with myself at the moment. 38 years old and contemplating coming out to my parents. My dad is 72 and it's my mums 70th this year. My older brother came out to them over 10 years ago. They didn't take it that well, but they accepted it and went to his civil partnership last year (after my dad initially refused to go ).
I've never had a boyfriend and they never ask. I do now have a very supportive partner and I want to live my life openly with her - but I still find it difficult even telling co-workers and new friends (once it's done I'm fine, it's that initial step).

I have decided that I need to come out this year to them. But part of me thinks it would be so much easier just to avoid/lie and spare them the inevitable pain I will cause. Would life be that much better with me being out? I just don't know. The only thing I think would be a positive is telling them I'm happy in a relationship and not on my own. I know they worry about me having nobody and because I'm not truthful about what I do on a weekend (for example) I think they think I'm on my own with no life! It would ease their worry knowing I am loved and happy ( I think!)

Hard though.

 

Hello Trev,

It took me forever to come out (mid 40's), but I finally decided that I deserved to live openly rather than hide the rest of my life away. I was most worried about what my 70+ year old father would say or think. So, he was the first person I told. That was one scary phone call! In the end, it went reasonably well, and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders that day was tremendous. I was no longer hiding, and that was the most important part — not what others think or say, but the fact that I can now live authentically.

My journey still has its bumpy days, but I no longer have to keep that closet vacuumed and organized. :icon_wink

Best wishes on your journey. I hope you join us on the path.

 

Trev: Thanks for this thread. I'm brand new here and needed to read this. I don't think there's a pat answer for any situation -- we have to be comfortable with our own decision. I am not out to my family, but have a family member who came out many years ago. I still remember the pain in my family and know some of the words that are said in private. And by the way, my family are very kind and accepting of him -- their other comments are, I'm sure, from lack of understanding. And from my perspective, I can't expect everyone to view the world as I do -- I hardly understand it myself at times.

Good luck in your situation.

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2014 at 06:09 PM ----------

P.S. I too have had major medical issues over the years that probably kept the gay questions at bay.

 

I can only share what is right for me... my parents are 82 each... i've done lots of soul searching and i've been unable to justify coming out to them... at their age why rock their world?? at least that's where i'm at not

 

Hi Trev,

Well you certainly came to the right place to ask this question, and you are not alone is wondering whether you should tell your parents that you are gay or not.

I told my parents when I was 39 that I was gay, when I told them separately they didn't want to believe it and well thought I was going through a phase, well that bit ended when I told my brother about 6 months later. Yes it took me a few months maybe even a year or more before I decided to tell them. There really is no easy time to tell them, so don't wait for the perfect moment it isn't going to happen.

What pushed me over the edge to tell them, was I was watching a TV show a few weeks earlier "Brothers & Sisters" and mother of one of the characters that was gay had died and hadn't told his mother that he was gay, so I thought then I had to tell them, I didn't want to live with that regret.

It seems like that maybe your mother might know, they don't always know well mine didn't and well we haven't discussed it in depth and I get the feeling they never knew, but it sounds like she may take the news ok, in way it will ease her mind as she wonders what you are doing with yourself but then you will feel better in yourself. Your mum might then be able to assist you in telling your father, she might say let sleeping dogs lie but well your mother would be the best judge of that.

Once I had told my parents and brother it was a big relief, it didn't mean I had to feel like I was hiding, I still have trouble telling people I am gay so don't tell that many but I feel much better in myself that my parents know.

I don't visit EC that often; well I read this website religiously for 6 months but then I joined a few other websites and started seeing other guys, but reading this board meant that I wasn't alone in my thinking, I just wished I found this website earlier.

 

I am throwing my 2 cents.

What Cool Bananas and Quietman said are parts of my reality.

In part I don't want my mom to pass away before knowing "real" me. On the other side living in a society where family means everything and honor means everything for a family, coming out as a gay would leave her in a very difficult situation.

Also we believe in miracleous power of marriage so mother already worried about me being single and all. Letting her know there is no happy ending for me can be more than she can handle. It took me more than 30 years of my life to digest.

As I only care about my mother until I can show her I won't be alone ever again (i.e. finding/forming a solid relationship, which is imposibble in here) I am not planning to coming out to her.

I am at a point in my life where I don't care what the world thinks of me so coming out not a real problem for me. Each passing year I put more quirks front so I guess many already guess I am not under their describtion of "normal".

 

I came out at age 62. I never knew that I was attracted to men until six months before. My wife of 28 years had a ton of gay men friends and not one of them had their gay radar that alerted them to me. I came out after finding my love of my life to my loved ones(going through a divorce now) and everyone accepts me. You know I feel like a guy who is 40 years old and you know why. I shedded a ton of guilt, fear and anger that had built up within me and that can happen to you as well.
Shed the bad stuff--it only weights you down- and become the proud, loving man that you can be, but you have to make that choice. To live a life in the open and gain the basic right of any living, intelligent creature. To stand erect and claim your rightful place under the sun.

 

Henry, very moving... I'm glad you shared your story with us.