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I am 41 should I come out or let sleeping dogs lie?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Trev, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. Trev

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    I have known I was gay since I was 13 but have never come out primarily due to being in the DADT military for nearly two decades. If anyone ever asked me about why I was not married or dating I usually blamed it on the fact that I worked on in a field where I met few women and was gone a lot.

    My parents are now in their mid 70s and I am not sure they have the time left to get over it if I tell them. I think my mom would be ok with it, but I honestly think it would kill my dad and I really hate to cause him that kind of pain. He is very conservative and religious (church warden) and tends to be somewhat homophobic. He and is constantly ranting about how the "fags" or "queers" are ruining the country and the Episcopal Church.

    I have not lived with my parents since I graduated from college 19 years ago but I am now living only 70 miles away from them so I am seeing them much more frequently than I did when I was hundreds or thousands of miles away. I know that they know I have never had a serious GF, and they know that I am not dating anyone.

    When I was about 35 they stopped asking me when I was going to get married and have kids but I am not sure if that was because they figured out that I am gay or because my sister produced a grandchild that year.

    Years ago I made the decision that if and when they asked me if I was gay I would tell them the truth because I figured that if they asked they question they could handle the answer. They never have and I doubt they ever will.

    I should have dealt with this issue decades ago and they would have long been over it by now. I had the perfect opportunity when I was in high school and my mom figured out I was very depressed and dragged me to a shrink who gave me some test that asked about six different ways if I was into the same sex. I answered the questions the way a heterosexual would because I was terrified that the shrink would figure out and tell them.

    Now I am just trying to decide whether to tell them now or just let them live out their remaining years thinking their son is just an eccentric old bachelor instead of a homosexual.
     
  2. It's a tough one. I was in a similar situation this time last year - the trigger for me was my older brother getting married. The thought of having pretty much every single one of my relatives ask "have you got a girlfriend yet?" just made me profoundly sad. Pretty much every answer to that question would be a lie and the anxiety of it all was driving me nuts. I didn't have a problem with cousins knowing I was gay, but it would inevitably get back to the parents if I was semi-open and I felt owed it to my parents that they heard it first from me.

    And, I realised that it was a very real possibility that my parents (in their late 60's) would die without knowing who I really was. I knew I would regret that for the rest of my life.

    That all tipped the balance for me, so I came out.

    I don't regret it.
     
    #2 uniqueusername3, Jun 6, 2014
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  3. greatwhale

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    Hey Trev, welcome to EC!

    I wish I had come out at your age! Living to please others, one's own parents included, is no way to live.

    People are tougher than they appear, and parents will make huge exceptions for their own kids. Ultimately, two things here are out of your control:

    1) You can't change who you are

    2) You can't control their reaction

    You have more than half your life to live. It would be a sad thing not live it with integrity and the love that you, and everyone else, deserves.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    It's not just the sleeping dogs that are lieing, it's you, and me. A lie of omission, now that I know, done with the best of intentions, to minimize the pain to others, and for my own selfish personal interests. There is no right answer, because there is no time it would have ever been right to tell the truth, even after you figured out what the truth was, and because you can't go back to a "right time and place" that never existed.
     
  5. marriedover50

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    So Trev, you are hearing from several of us older than you who are asking or have asked the same questions.

    I am so understanding where you are, but I have decided to commit to the process of coming out soon. I also have parents in their 80's. This is not going to be easy. I think they will be shocked but they do not sound as homophobic as your father.

    My parents have supported many other parents as they have dealt with revelations that their children were gay. They have friends whose gay children have come and visited my parents with their partners. Still, I'm am their son who they believe to be straight. I believed I was straight with a flaw, a dark secret, really until the last couple months.

    I wish, I had known who I was when I was your age. I would have come out then. I wish I was still single, I would come out tomorrow!

    No matter any of our advice though, this is your story, your time, your process. You need to listen to all of your internal parts. Sounds like something though is trying to get your attention.

    Peace.
     
  6. ukguy

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    I too have elderley parents and they do not know about their son's true nature. I would have to say that I dont feel they need to know and I dont feel any obligation to tell them because this is a personal thing to me. IPlus...not sure they could cope with this at this point in their lives.
     
  7. Richie.

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    I don't think you should let yourself be miserable for anyone, if your not miserable fine, but if you are.. Live life your way

    Peace
     
  8. nydtc

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    While I am only a few years older than you - I also came out late ( mid/ late 30s). I had lost both of my folks in my teens, long before I accepted who I was. On of my great regrets in life is that my parents didn't get the chance to know the real me.
    It will be difficult but I have found often those who bang thier chest loudest often change their tune when it hits closer to home.

    Good luck.
     
  9. bingostring

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    My guess is they probably already know.
    And just don't let conversation go there anymore because you have trained them so well!
     
  10. awesomeyodais

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    Some of us wait until those elderly parents pass before coming out. It's a long lonely wait and after there's that nagging regret that we were never "authentic" to use a trendy word. Not to mention the creepy gilt about an occasional thought wishing they were no longer around so we could be "free". Not a great way to spend many years...

    Sometimes it's the best way to handle it tho, varies for everyone. Is this something you could perhaps explore/discuss with a therapist? Work through why wait or why tell them etc...
     
  11. BlueSky224

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    Trev,
    This is not an easy one.

    I was just talking with a 21-year-old young woman about whether or not she should come out to her aunt and uncle. Her aunt has some sort of terminal illness. I said, "Your choice is to leave this unsaid, and live with it. Or you can take the risk that it won't go well." But I told her that there is no way to predict anyone's response. But there is actual data to support that people tend to "mellow" as they get older.

    My mother passed away not long after I came out to my parents. It did not go well at all. I felt a lot of pressure to somehow force her to reconcile with her, but I knew that was unlikely. If she were alive today, I'm not sure how she would feel.

    But I stand by my decision to tell my parents. My mom wasn't ill at the time. And my belief is that there is never a "good time" to come out.

    Time and again, I hear stories of people telling ultra-conservative family members, and they are surprised by their heartwarming and sensitive reactions.

    I have an ultra-conservative aunt and uncle in their 70s, and I eventually told them. They weren't thrilled, but they know that I'm still their closest living male blood relative. Although they never said it, they'd rather keep me in their lives.

    My advice is that it is worth the risk. If it doesn't go well, at least you gave it a try.
     
  12. Tracker57

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    Trev:
    Welcome. I was 54 when I came out. I went the heterosexual married life with kids, etc. My father had died, but he sounds like the same disposition as your father. My mother is just in denial. At 86, she thinks I'm still just confused about things. You know your parents best. My cousin's son is gay. When he came out to his "religious" family, he was cut off from everyone in his immediately family except his mother. Sometimes I wish life were simpler. On the other hand, I have friends who came out later in life and were surprisingly accepted.
    Good luck on your decision.
     
  13. Jeff

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    They don't need to know. It's as simple as that. But you can be out to others as you feel the need to be, or not.
     
  14. Trev

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    Yeah sometimes I think that unless they are totally clueless they are bound to have figured things out by now, but my dad had a sister that I am 100% sure was a lesbian and he is still in complete denial about her homosexuality.

    Once when I was in college I brought up the fact that my aunt (who died when I was 15) was obviously a lesbian just to test the waters get an idea of what his reaction might be if I came out, and he shot me this cold stare that he always gave me when I was a kid and I did something that really pissed him off. Then he said "She WAS NOT a lesbian and don't you EVER say that again, EVER!!! Do you understand?" I said "but dad she obviously was...???" He cut me off and said, "SHUT IT, NOW!!!"

    Now, this woman never dated a guy, ever, and she cut her hair like a guy, usually dressed like a guy, never wore makeup, and rode a Harley Davidson motorcycle. She also shared an apartment with a very feminine female "roommate" for over a decade. When her "roommate" became terminally ill with cancer my aunt quit her job and was her primary caregiver until she passed away.

    Although my mom is also very religious, I think she would be much more understanding because of something she said decades ago. Once when I was a teen she had her old high school yearbook out and I started flipping through it and laughing at the 1960s hairstyles. I turned a page and a photo of a very handsome young man fell out of the book. I said "who was he?" She said "Oh that was Billy." I said "was he your boyfriend?" She said, "no, we were just friends, I always wanted to be his girlfriend but...he liked boys." She said "poor kid he just couldn't accept himself the way he was and shot himself dead with his dad's hunting rifle a couple of weeks after graduation." Then she added "I don't know why he did that, being gay is certainly nothing to kill yourself over." Little did mom know, I had been contemplating doing the very same thing.

    Occasionally when I have been visiting them and my dad has gone into one of his tirades about "queers" (usually after seeing something on TV about gay marriage) my mom has called him out on it by saying something like "oh stop being so intolerant" or "quit being such a bigot." I almost get the impression that she knows.

    Sometimes I almost think that dad may know but is not going to bring it up it as long as I am willing to keep it a secret. I have a feeling that if I told him I am gay he would use that as an excuse to make a scene, tell me what a huge disappointment I am, then after telling me how disgusted he is he would say something like, "Get the your goddamn queer ass out of here and don't you ever come back, you sick pervert!"

    He is very hard to read though. He and my mom had this very close friend (from church) who was in his 70s and never married that I am almost 100% sure was a closeted gay man because he had some very effeminate mannerisms. One time I asked my dad if he thought this guy was gay, because he very obviously is. Dad said "I dunno, he does sorta act kinda sissified sometimes but as long as he doesn't make a pass at me I don't care." LOL WTF???
     
    #14 Trev, Jun 7, 2014
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  15. Yossarian

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    At the risk of hijacking your thread unintentionally, I am going to ask if you have a boyfriend and are living your life as a gay man, dating other men, looking for a partner, etc. You said you have not had a girl friend, but are you living as a monk, which is sort of what I did into my 40s, or are you living the gay life in some manner, but just not telling your parents about it? You are giving me the impression that your inability to clear the air with your parents may be causing you to modify your life in a negative way for concern that the word may get back to them in some way. If I am reading this wrong, just give me a <smack> and I will sit down and shut up. :icon_wink
     
  16. Trev

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    I am kinda living as a monk now but not by choice. I dated guys in college and graduate school and up until about age 35 when I developed some chronic medical problems that forced me to retire, and also require me to take meds that have caused me to put on about 25 extra pounds that I just can't seem to lose. I also have a receding hairline, have started going gray, and now have a nasty surgical scar on my abdomen so I am not what the vast majority of gay men consider to be even remotely attractive anymore.

    In a way I would like to be honest with my family, but I have plenty of issues I can blame my lack of a female companion on. like working for the military for over a decade in a job where I was rarely around women, my medical problems, and the fact that I have been retired on disability since I was 35 and most women wouldn't date a guy who does not have a job.

    Possibly one reason they haven't asked me if I am gay is that it hasn't crossed their minds because they just automatically assume that I am not dating women because of my medical problems.
     
    #16 Trev, Jun 7, 2014
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  17. Gaysibling

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    It's a very personal thing and unfortunately it's not a decision anyone else can make for you. I've been out for twenty years, but my older brother isn't out to anyone in the family ( other than me,obviously). Our mother died two years ago, I was sad that she never knew, but my brother doesn't seem at all upset that he never told her. Our father is now in his mid eighties and my brother is determined to come out after he dies. Again, I am sad about this, but it doesn't seem to bother my brother too much. Ultimately, I have to respect his decision on how to handle his own coming out. However, if anything should happen to my brother and he dies first, still closeted, I will be devastated to know he never felt the freedom that I have. ( I might add that , ironically, he gets more action in the closet at the moment than I do out of it, LOL). My concern is not for my father, I feel he will handle it whatever happens, but for my brother. Now for a total contrast, my last partner, was out to everyone except his father. For his mother, it was something she knew about, but she made it very clear it was not to be discussed. We did not live in the same country as his parents and I never met her. After she died, we moved to a country quite close to where his father lived and I met him on several occasions. He was convinced his father never knew....I personally think he knew perfectly well and just pretended not to know. A while back we split up and a couple of years later his father died never having been told. Anyway, I guess the point I am trying to make is that as three gay men we had each completely different circumstances and experiences in relation to being out to our parents ( even though two of us shared the same parents). While I have no regrets about coming out to mine, my circumstances were totally different to yours, so I cannot tell you "of course you should". I hope that whatever decision you make that it works out well for you.

    You mentioned your sister , does she know ( or do you think she might know). The reason I ask is that unlike us here on the site, she actually knows your parents and might have some useful feedback for you on what they do/do not suspect.

    On a totally different subject,you mentioned that you have put on weight and have a receding hairline and that you feel unattractive. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there who find real life ordinary guys with hair loss and bellies and scars attractive.... You don't want to believe that everyone out there looks like a porn star and is looking only for another porn star.

    Best of luck. Sorry for going off in a few different directions .
     
  18. razorsharp

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    Hi Trev,
    I read your OP and no offence, it got me a little bit worried about myself. This is because I also keep getting asked why I'm not married etc. I probably don't have as much excuses as you do.

    Regarding your dilemma, as everyone says, it is your decision. My advice would be to NOT tell your parents. I personally believe that they do not need this unnecessary burden in their lives at their age. This is a personal thing for you.

    I have to admit that in my opinion homosexuality is wrong, so if I found out that one of my relatives was a homosexual, I would be devastated.

    I hope this may help in giving a standpoint from someone like myself who isn't necessarily pro-gay like most are on this forum.
     
  19. mnguy

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    Hi Trev, welcome to EC. I'm in a similar situation, around 40, not out to anyone really, parents getting older, living like a monk, although at least you had some fun times with guys in the past so kudos for that. It sounds like your mom would fully accept you, especially if you told her about your past thoughts on suicide and the parallel to her friend. I imagine she would be so protective of you and stand up to your dad without question. I'm sorry your dad says such horrible things. My family members have said anti-gay things that hurt me some, but nothing like that.

    My grandma passed away a few months ago and it got me thinking more about how I'd feel if my parents die and I never tell them. Would it be a huge regret that would further break me down or something I'd think of for a while and get over it pretty easily? I dunno. I think it would be nice to tell them so they'd know for sure why I've never dated and maybe it would bring us closer and have a more full relationship. I think about my nephews and niece and if any of them are GLBT I'd like them to know they have at least one ally in their close family. Would I ever take a crack at finding romantic love if I told them or would it be the same? Clearly we don't need to be out to family to date other guys. If I did come out and still never date would that be even worse?

    I dunno, man, just some thoughts I had about your posts. I wish you well and hope you can be happy regardless of whether you come out or not. Take care :thumbsup:
     
  20. Yossarian

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    I think that you are not going to like what I am about to say, but please think of it as educational rather than critical. Homosexuality is a human trait, which some people inherit or develop in conjunction with inherited genes; no one has identified exactly why some people are homosexual yet, just as many human conditions have not yet been associated with specific causal sources. The one thing that agreement is virtually universal among people who identify themselves as homosexual is that it is a recognition of a fact about themselves, not a CHOICE which they make. Homosexuals cannot choose to be straight any more than straight people can choose to be homosexuals. When you state that, in your opinion, "homosexuality is wrong", you reveal yourself to be uninformed about what homosexuality is. It is no more "wrong" than being a red-head, which is significantly less common in the gene pool, or being short, or being hard of hearing, or carrying genes for baldness or Crones disease or a particular blood type. Some people are born to homosexuals, just as some are born to have red hair; the difference is that people realize that they are homosexuals at different times, whereas it is pretty obvious that they have red hair at birth. Because of this sometimes delayed understanding about their sexuality, it might SEEM TO AN UNIFORMED PERSON that they are deciding whether to identify with a group against which there is significant prejudice and mistreatment, or continue to hide their sexual proclivities from others. This does NOT mean they are making a choice about being homosexual, only that they are deciding whether they want to tell the world about their sexuality or not (i.e. assume a publicly gay identity), and possibly expose themselves to hate, discrimination, derision, violence, and other forms of abuse. As the world in most developed countries has become less prejudiced through education and public discussion about homosexuality, more people are willing to identify as homosexual and state laws are gradually changing (in the USA finally) to give them the equal treatment before the law which has been guaranteed in the Constitution since the 14th Amendment was added.

    There is no reason to be "devastated" if you discover that you or one of your relatives is homosexual, because there is nothing wrong about being born that way, and it isn't going to "rub off" on you any more than you playing basketball with a tall cousin is going to make you 7' tall. When you identify yourself as "Questioning" it suggests that you also may be having trouble identifying exactly whom you are attracted to at your age. Whichever it turns out to be when you figure it out, keep in mind that if you DO reach an understanding that you are more attracted to other men than you are to women, there is nothing "wrong" with you either; it is just who you were born to be, so live your life in harmony with your identity instead of being intimidated and confused by your surroundings as many of us were 50-60 years ago in more institutionalized homophobic environments than kids are enjoying today. You don't have to live a celibate monk-like life or deny who you are any more. You can be gay, and it is OK now, and getting better all the time.