Worried for My Son

It's difficult to say why he hasn't confided in his aunt. Perhaps he picked up on his father's 'lesbians are different from gay men' belief, or just as likely he's just afraid of the information getting back to you guys and in particular his father.

I'm rather confident in saying that your son has likely picked up on his father's opinion and thoughts about gay men. This is likely one of his major fears and concerns when it comes to coming out to the family. I know that I remember pretty much every anti-gay comment my father has ever uttered in my presence. It's something you pick up on, remember, mull over in your head, and worry about for the future when the person saying the anti-gay stuff eventually finds out the truth.

It's difficult to give you advice on how you should handle your husband, as you run the risk of outing your son before he's even come out to you. So, in the mean time, my focus would remain on trying to create a supportive environment for your son as best you can, and when you're alone with him finding ways to maneuver conversations toward LGBT issues to get his opinions and to share yours. That way he knows that you're supportive, and of course - each time you do this - it gives him the opportunity to come out to you.

Once he's come out to you, it's best to let him control the process through which he comes out to the rest of the family. However, at some point you're likely going to have to handle your husband privately, figuring out a way to minimize any negative outcomes your son might face if he has a conversation with him. One thing that might help is if you tell the story of how you came out to his father for his aunt, and you could ask him if he wants you to do the same thing for him. This would be ideal as it allows you to handle the situation before he has to interact with him.

You'll likely also become hyper-sensitive, like your son, when other members of the family talk about LGBT issues. You will be thinking about how he hears their comments and interprets them. A lot of parents, after finding out, have that type of reaction.

 

I would personally talk him into it. Make him come out to you. I am not sure if you know all the recent victories that have been won lately. I would mention like things like that. I would be like oh Pennsylvania has marriage equality now isn't that great son or something like that. Don't tell him that you when throw the messages. You know this topic is great I think I remember when I was 17 about or so. I was going to be make a secrets video for YouTube, but wanted to film when no one was home. My mom went to clean out of my closet. Guess what, oh yes she saw all my secrets.

I felt so betrayed and angry. We don't talk about it much anymore. But, it was a huge deal at the time for me as a gay higher male. Obviously he knows who he is and what he believes. It seems like he is 100% cool with it. Maybe he is worried that you might not accept him. I think that he could the biggest issue here. You know I would have loved to have such a cool mother growing up. Just be there for him.

 

I would personally talk him into it. Make him come out to you.

Don't do that. EVER.

 

I got to agree with Ellia. I've already supported your going through his phone, but please do not force his hand. Again make it clear you support him and encourage and comfort best you can and hopefully he will confide in you. Make it clear you will not "out" him to his father until he is ready. Might take a while but you don't want to force him until he is ready. Just offer hints you support LGBT issues.

 

Honestly, if you followed up giving back his phone with the comment "we need to talk." ..... Well, just based on my own experiences, I'm fairly certain he knows you looked through the phone and know he's gay. Not guaranteeing it, but I think it's quite likely.


But if this was the gist of you conversation after that:

I'd assume you got the point across that you love him regardless and wouldn't take his directly coming out to you badly. So, hopefully, that is in fact the case.

I get the impression that your husband is a lot like my father - a wild card. No idea how that's going to turn out, right? Personally, I think having accepted his sister is a good sign. But, just let that issue wait until your son is ready... no need to rush it. Leave how to go about coming out to him, and in the meantime I have no doubt from all you've said here that you'll continue to get him the support he needs.



With the asking for a photo of the guy's chest thing... Perhaps I'm wrong, but I've just never really equated that to asking for a picture of a girl's breasts? One feels much more sexual to me? I don't know, if nothing else I guess I'd just say that it could have been a lot worse... and perhaps you can talk to him about that - though I'm fairly certain he would entirely realize you looked at his phone if you did bring it up. But it might be good to have a talk about it, just in case it has the potential for being worse.

 

Sounds like typical teenager stuff to me. Just do what you'd normally do in this situation if you hadn't learned about his sexual orientation. Being gay has nothing to do with skipping class. :icon_wink

 

I agree with Aldrick, most of my outbursts as a teen had nothing to do with me trying to figure out if I was gay or not. Good kids make stupid choices sometimes. I would say whatever the usual punishment is, the same still applies...

 

It sounds like normal teenage drama, my personal experience is that my orientation had nothing to do with 'outbursts'. For me it was more like me not wanting to do my homework or being board and this may be what your son is experiencing. Best of luck, enjoy ec. Btw your a great parent

 

Don't blame yourself for your reaction, its not easy to find out about such a thing! I read your comments, and I think your son should be happy he has such a great mom, every gay teenager's fear is homophobic parents.
Don't tell him you know his secret, but make him feel that he has a supportive and lovely family that will accept him no matter what, and that you will always love him. He will come out when he'll be ready.

 

Yeah, echoing everyone else, I'd say provide a positive, caring perspective whenever LGBT issues happen to come up - outside of that, treat it as if he was any other 15 year-old kid (since he is just that).

 

Ok first of all, do not beat yourself up over reading his messages. You may think it was a breach in his private life, but at 15 years old how much of a private life does he need? It is a parent's natural need to know what is going on in their child's life. Maybe that is just my opinion. Now, I do think you need to tread lightly on this situation. If it were me I wouldn't confront him. I would though maybe leave hints like "Everyone deserves to be happy no matter who you are and who you like"...that way he knows how you really feel about it. That's just how I would handle it. You don't want to push him farther away.

 

You should write him a jote saying I heard you are gay, I love you for who you are, I have no problem with it, we need more milk. Please pick some up from the store. PS. I love you.

Because that is the best way to tell a kid you don't care.

 

Your son is 15 years old. Like straight boys, he's at the age where he's exploring his sexuality and that's really a private experience. You shouldn't have read his texts, but I absolutely get why you did. It's a really difficult thing to hold back finding out about someone you love, but honestly, you'll never find anything good in text messages because you're probably not really looking for good things to begin with. Lesson learned on that note.

Also, don't you remember doing inappropriate things behind your parent's back when you were young? As far as I can tell, this is a pretty common experience. I know I definitely was in chat rooms as a young closeted guy talking to people and looking at pictures and porn. It's just a self discovery process that only he can do. Maybe he's just not ready to come out to you yet because he thinks it will be a disaster. All you can do is show your support and give him his space to figure it out on his own. Learning to make his own decisions will take him far in life, and honestly this experience is what makes gay people so amazing and unique.

 

So this is another one of my post that probably isn't needed but... It's still here. As a kid 15 roughly same age as your son. I can say that it really isn't breach of security for you to go onto his phone. Unless he was really not thinking those messages were on there for a reason. He may not want to admit it but at least some small par of him wanted to come out to you. He was beginning to feel comfortable with his sexuality. If he truly didn't want you to see those messages he would have deleted them. He may calm and truly believe that he didn't want you to see those but some small part of his brain (May it be sub conscious ) didn't care about you seeing those messages. As a teen the child must know your looking into (what you may think) are his best interest and that may include going through his phone. So unless he was being utterly stupid there should be no way that he didn't delete those messages/change contact names. Sorry for the bluntness I am rather tired and sad

 

My son told me when he was 14 and now he is 17. His sisters and brothers and friends know. He has asked me to not tell dad...and it's not my story to tell. I would not share this news with your child's father without his permission. As you said, you should not have read the messages, but it's where you go from here that counts now. Follow your son's lead on telling dad. I have chosen to respect my sons wishes because he would simply be "uncomfortable" with his dad knowing. Dad is not as open minded, educated, or accepting as I am, which is exactly why my son told me. That's my only advice at this point. Don't beat yourself up about the phone thing. It's over and done with.

 

The easiest way to do it would be to be honest and tell him that you were concerned because of his school problems and looked at his messages. He might hate you for it for a while, but sometimes it's our job as parents to be the bad guy.

I would keep it pretty simple after that and just tell him I know he's gay, I still love him, I won't tell anyone else unless he asks me to, and if he ever needs to talk or needs relationship help, I'll be there for him. I wouldn't tell him I was concerned or worried about his homosexuality, that would imply that you think there's somethng wrong with it. I might tell him the story about how his aunt came out to you, especially the part about her fears that you wouldn't allow her to be his aunt.

He might even be relieved that you found out without him having to tell you (even if he doesn't say so). I would have been, at that age.

 

Mom, maybe he has confided in his Aunt and she is keeping his secret for him? Also if he has an elaborate security code on his phone then he probably has no idea that you have somehow figured out his code. I am not sure if I would say a single word. It might be best to let him tell his own story, in his own way, at a time when he is ready?