As you all know I've had an irrational obsession with not wanting to be bi for a long time. I just wanted to be sure that I was gay and not bi. I thought that if I would be super happy if I could just know that I'm gay. Right now I think I'm gay(still not sure if I'm sure.) I don't feel that great about being gay. Being bi doesn't seem as bad as it used to. I can just never be happy with myself. I had this silly fantasy that being gay and sure about it would make me a stronger person. I was obviously wrong about that. Even if I'm gay I'm still the same wimpy and childish girl I've always been.
You will have heard this before but... they're just labels. Very grey/vague labels at that. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Straight, Curious, Pansexual, the list goes on... no matter how much people try to categorise each other, we're all just too different. How about Human? I understand that it's important to be able to give people you care about a bit of a picture about what your life and your love life is about. Labels can be handy for that. GENERALLY speaking, people of the world understand straight, gay, lesbian more quickly than some of the other ones like bi or queer. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with bi or queer, I'm just saying that there's a lot of misinformation out there about them and the general community will have some odd preconceptions and opinions about them. Heck I'm still about a bit unclear myself on some of the newer labels. Don't feel pressured to use one label or another. One will feel "righter" than another. Sometimes it just takes a bit of experimentation. Sorry that none of this is much help. Peace be with you.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Your orientation doesn't change your personality. If you're looking at being a lesbian as an escape of some kind, you'll be very disappointed.
I've always known that, but my feelings are just so irrational. I just hate my personality. It's way too childlike and weak. I was hoping that being gay would reveal my not childlike and weak side, but it doesn't seem to work that way . No one that I find attractive will ever find me attractive.
I used to wish I was straight. I even tricked myself. It seems to be impossible to fully understand my own mind. You have to find peace with the unpredictable nature of life. Easier said than done. Gay isn't better or worse than bisexual. Sexuality does not equate to personality. Of course, it can influence some people, usually such people have been brainwashed by society. I have almost nothing in common with the stereotypes of my label. So what if you are gay or bisexual? It isn't the end of the world. You will still be yourself. I know it usually isn't recommended to dismiss the concerns that a person has. However, sometimes you shouldn't allow fear to control you. Unless that fear is telling you not to touch a stove because you'd get burned... even the negative emotions can protect us. I think the anxiety over the confusion is counterproductive and getting in your way. It's okay to be uncertain! There's a decent possibility you'll know what label works best for you by the time you reach my ancient age. Sexuality can even be fluid and change for some people. I admit that it is difficult for me to imagine that. Nobody is perfect. People don't all agree on what a perfect person would be composed of. Everyone in this world has flaws. Accept that self-improvement is a process that lasts the entire life. You appear to be mentally beating yourself up. This is a destructive behaviour pattern... I'm guilty of it as well. Hey, if we were designed to be the most efficient beings, according to a philosophy such as realism... we might all be clones. What a boring world. Human nature is to adapt. I believe that differences can be rather productive. Emotions have their place. Some people think that being a robot would be positive. I disagree. I have considered it during times of stress and/or apathy. Humans are generally social animals and also predators. Technology advances quicker than human brains evolve. I should refrain from blathering on about the connection (and problems) between computation and consciousness xD I'm young, so, maybe I still believe I know everything. It's impossible to know everything! It seems that the more complex things become, the more simple they seem, and vice versa... it's crazy... I'm gonna rest now!
Maybe you're only irrational for liking/using Chrome? :dry: Seriously though don't worry about labels and such and just do whatever feels right
Me too. I really wanted to be straight. I wanted to be popular. I knew that getting a boyfriend would make me popular. I wanted to get a boyfriend because I wanted to be popular. I wasn't attracted to guys so I wanted to be straight. I tried to push my feelings for girls away. I blamed it on a phase and I hated myself for going through a phase. I feel really immature because of my "phase". Back then I was so closeted I would even admit those feelings to myself or somewhere anonymous. That's part of the problem. I've always though I was too weak and childlike even before I was thinking about my sexuality. I always knew that I lacked an attraction to guys, but I blamed that on being childish. I also knew that I found girls attractive, but I blamed that on a childish phase. I thought that it was stupid and childish to find girls more attractive than guys. I would often force myself to "grow up" by staring at the most attractive guys I could find and see if I could make myself feel something. I only accepted my sexuality when I met this hot girl who wasn't childlike or naive at all. She happened to be a lesbian. That made me feel way better about my feelings. I wanted to be a lesbian because I wanted to be less childish. My feelings no longer had the childlike connotations they used to. It felt like my feelings were real and not just a childish phase. I wanted to come out of the closet and let the "unchildish side" of me free. I tried to, but everyone was just invalidating me. They kept on telling me it was a phase and that it was normal for young girls to go through them. I was fourteen when that happened. Now whenever I'm questioning myself I feel like I'm childish for questioning myself. I always feel inferior to the people who already know their sexuality. When I think I'm bisexual I still think I'm childish because if I'm bisexual I should have started liking boys at the same age as the other girls. I feel like being gay would justify my lack of attraction to boys. When I consider myself gay I feel happy about for a bit and then I start feeling disgusted and uneasy with myself. When I read posts telling me that I'm young and shouldn't label myself the cycle usually repeats itself. ---------- Post added 14th May 2014 at 02:33 PM ---------- LOL. I'm using safari for ios right now.
I was more accepted when I presented myself as a straight guy. It was a great boost to my sense of 'maleness'. It seemed that most people understood me. Now I correct most people when the topic comes up. I can handle the odd ignorant person that believes I'll sleep with anything. Even when less people are understanding, it is usually more than worth it to be yourself. An exception would be if it gets you killed. I've probably done many more immature things than you! It was only two weeks ago that I met one of my old friends, one of the first people in the world I came out to as trans and bisexual. She was more accepting of me than I probably deserved back in my crazy teen years, even when we argued; she referred to me as a guy. She's well on her way to becoming a teacher. It feels like only yesterday we were talking about super smash bros melee and college! She's a year or two younger than me. We joked about how we've infiltrated the adult world. You age quicker than you might think is possible! I've tried to be straight twice. With my ftm perspective... when I was trying to live as a girl, I sometimes believed that I would grow out of my attraction to girls. I felt incredibly guilty when I found girls hot. I tried my best to avoid them. That's difficult when you're 14/15 and share some classes with 16/17/18 year old people. They were usually more mature than the other kids my age. I didn't feel worthy, so I never seriously considered asking out the kids older than me. You feel inferior to people that know their sexuality? I felt inferior to older people and I almost thought of my teachers as infallible gods. It was ridiculous. My encounter with my friend helped me to realise this. You're attracted to girls similar to your age (?), so that 'phase' theory is probably untrue. You know the difference between admiration and attraction. Yes, you can feel both for the same person, although I personally find this happens more with fictional characters than real people. IRL I usually only feel crushes of the latter type. I think you felt a bit of both for that lesbian girl. Society taught you that being gay is wrong? Society isn't always correct. You cannot suddenly overcome the negative stuff they forced into your head. It's a slow process of unlearning. You could label yourself gay and work on accepting yourself. You know for certain that you're attracted to girls. You need to work on learning that you are not as childish as you might think you are. If you later find guys hot as well, you can cross that bridge when you encounter it.
