Starting to like my "gay identity"

I think the best term for me is "reluctant acceptance". I know denying it is not going to work anymore, but I don't want one more group that I don't fit into and one more reason to feel like a secret outsider in this society.

I haven't been able to find any gender fluid resources for bodily or sexual issues, and even more startling are the recommendations I've had or seen for people who are, um, missing their penis to use a strap-on, feeldoe, etc. I don't understand how a material with no nerve endings or that stimulates my female genitalia is supposed to simulate having a penis... ?

So far the biggest help has come from the cisgender, heterosexual men in my life. They really are the only ones I feel understood by and they've even been helping me to narrow down my search to more specific sources of support. Thank goodness someone out there just says no to, "Would a strap-on feel like a penis to you?"

 

I feel pretty comfortable referring to myself as gay, except if its a difficult situation like when I came out to my parents.

My brother was the second family member I came out to, I tried to come out to him before but when he asked I just couldn't mutter the words: "I love guys". So when I did it last time he just dismissed it as another of my weird jokes, not because he hates gays. But after I convinced him that I am indeed gay he started to accept it quickly and a week later he was showing me pictures of dudes and asking me if they're hot

 

Gender matches the sex they were born with. Apparently some people don't like it, but until they come up with a better term that isn't 50 syllables to discuss ideas like this they'll have to suck it up.

Thanks for the thought, but I might just un-involve myself with GLBT. I've had two fairly severe episodes of dizziness and panic as I try to integrate this into my life after repressing it throughout my teens and earlier 20's, both of them brought on by interaction with the communities.

While it normally bothers me a little during the day, when I have to face anything to do with other people "like me" and thus face the inevitable confusion, rejection, or suggestions to just fake what's missing like that will make the feelings go away, it transforms into a monster whirlwind of: "What's wrong with me?" "I must be broken." "I'm invisible." "I'm so messed up that not even other people like me can understand me." "I must be psychotic. I need to be fixed by a doctor. Living like this is like trying to make a mental illness part of my identity and having people enable it instead of telling me to seek help."

Etc. Those are some of the milder ones, anyway.