Dude I have to say it again... You are grasping at every possible tiny shred of anything anyone says to convince and justify that it's ok to lie your ass off to your future wife and avoid being authentic with her. Not because it is so trivial it doesn't matter, but because you know if you were truthful that she would never agree to marry you. That's a great attitude to have if you don't give a fuck about anyone besides yourself. It's also a recipe for a failed and unhappy marriage. Whether you are bi or gay, you need to get over your incredibly self-centered view on this situation and, as others have said, look at a marriage as a union of two souls who are completely open and authentic and genuinely love each other more than they could love anyone else. Until you can quit with the rationalization and justifications about why this is ok -- which it's not -- you will be royally screwing up another person's life for your own self centered reasons and that is not ok. It's fucked up.
I just wanted to pop in here to give my own two cents seeing as you post the same variation of the same question at least once a week, but seriously it's okay to not know what you want yet in life. If your username is your birth year then we're both born in the same year and seriously dude you don't have to have it all figured out now. I go to therapy and told my therapist I'm 100% sure I want to marry a woman because I don't have any real attraction to men and whatnot. There are people who are young and have it figured out and that's fine. But then there are some like you who don't have it figured out and that's okay. You might not get married till your 40's so I mean don't plan your entire life around the answer to a question you're not even sure about. From everything I read on here from you and the CONSTANT reassurance you need from everyone that you can like girls, it doesn't sound like you're stable enough to consider anything at the moment. Is there really anything wrong with waiting till college and experimenting? It looks like everyone on here (including poor Chip) is trying to give you good advice from a place of good intention and all you can do is keep ignoring it and yell, " BUT I CAN STILL LIKE GIRLS RIGHT?!" You say you're positive and yet you get mad when people question you. If you really need help please go to an LGBT or sexual identity therapist and work it out but don't lash out at the people who try to help or create more accounts because I've seen this same question similarly phrased before asked by a "James1998"
The only reason I get mad is because I get extremely confused and start questioning myself. Yes that's absolutely not what I want to hear at all, but I feel like it's also because that's not me. And chip is soo sure but the things he says is not accurate to whatim feeling.
What if she cheated on you but didn't tell you because "she knew it would end the relationship"? What if she was knowingly infertile, but didn't tell you because "she didn't think it was important"? What if she faked practicing your religion because "she thought you wouldn't care"? In all of these she knowingly deceived you, then justified it as her knowing what's best for you. You start to wonder what else she lied about, then everything just seems like lies, and the trust is broken. Imagine if all she needed from you was your devotion; just knowing you will never forsake her is all she needs to be happy. The fact that you also like men comes second. You won't feel pressured to hide a piece of yourself from her, you can openly discuss the challenges it now presents in the relationship, you have someone who actually supports who you are as you've already met her primary need. This is a relationship rooted in truth. All we want for you here is for you to seek out your truth; not to justify lying to the one you are supposed to love above all others.
James, I haven't been able to read this whole post, and I intend to; but what I've read so far on this and other posts really concerns me that your problem isn't as much about gay as it is about emotional detachment. Somewhere, you are missing the point that marriage and love are not like a building blueprint. Even if they were, without real compassionate love for other as the foundation of our actions, we hurt people. Your actions will build your future! That's no petty statement. From the other end of these same choices you are trying to defend before fully understanding the consequences, you look naive. You sound like the things you are considering are different for you, and that somehow you can fashion a better outcome. I agree, you can, but not by making the same mistakes others have warmed you about and expecting a different result. Your impending choices were almost exactly like mine. Strong sexual attraction to men and a huge desire to be normal. I truly love my wife, both romantically and physically, but my bisexual nature has just about destroyed us both, even though I've been remarkably faithful. Had I lied to her from the beginning, which I did not, the chance I have to save my marriage today would not exist. Had I tried to maintain religious piety, the shame would have destroyed me from within; it almost did anyway. A marriage based in lies is NOT about love or compassion. You cannot be considering this and be thinking about anyone but yourself, period. Don't believe me, then keep asking therapists, support groups, read about it. Only religion would tell you that repression is an acceptable foundation for marriage, and they would do it to validate their choices, not because they care about you. Please, I beg of you! Study the psychology of your suggestions before you subject your a women and your beloved children to a life of secrets. You can marry a woman. It won't be easy, but maybe you can; but you can't in good conscience lie to her. Your God, My God, our God won't allow you to do that without serious consequences. I'm praying for you, and that woman you love. I'm not religious, but you are, and you need that support right now. Watch Andy Stanley's Sex and Dating Rules. He's a minister, and he's got great advice for religious youth. Ted
Then why are you here? Reading between the lines I suspect you are really concerned you are gay and don't want to admit it. How old are you? Do you have time to figure this out?
I just want to take a moment to pause and say how much I appreciate that the Empty Closets mods for telling it like it is rather than saying whatever makes people feel better. Its refreshing. If you are 15 you have PLENTY of time to figure things out. Most people don't get married until they are like 25.
Good luck with that. Seriously, you are setting yourself and your future spouse up for trouble. The foundation of marriage is trust, and you are planning on starting your marriage by lying to her. I get that you want to keep it a secret, but that's no way to start a marriage, in my opinion.
Lots of posts on this thread so sorry if I repeat something already said. Secrets and lies slowly erode who you are to your core. I had always thought of myself as a very honest person. Fact: One big lie is still a lie. I'm sure you have read many Later in Life Stories of us married/formerly married folk. Whole lotta pain caused by trying to be who we were not. The truth always comes out eventually. Better to live in truth now.
Jason, I'm nowhere near sure. As I've said ad nauseum, only you know and only you can decide. What I am certain about is that lying to a potential girlfriend/wife is not ok. And, if you become certain that you are closer to gay, or are gay, getting married to a woman is also not ok in that circumstance, because it's selfish, and as others have said, the lies will destroy you, her, and the marriage.
Any relationship you are in, with a man or a woman, will have a better chance of being healthy and successful if you are honest about your bisexuality. Honesty helps build a solid foundation in any relationship.
Hey Jason, are you in a country or culture where you are expected to marry early? I know some cultures still have arranged marriages. If yes then you might be in a bind. If not then I would suggest just chill and take your time to figure yourself out, but honestly. Which means if you gay then you gay. If you are bi then you are bi. Either way it is going to effect your potential future wife and you will not be able to sustain so honesty is the only way. I speak from experience. God only knows I wish I have the internet and EC when I was in your position.
WOA!!!! Wait a second, from my own personal experience I must tell you that, when I was young and about to enter into a marraige I too identified as bisexual. As fate would have it over the years of marraige I found myself more and more attracted to the same sex. to a point where I could no longer perform sexually with my wife. Take a moment to reflect and truly assess your feelings. You dont want to find yourself later on 20+yrs later that you are GAY.... Give time and alot of thought to it..
You still have so much time to figure out who you are. Why to rush in doomed marriage? Most fast marriages end up like that. And you are 15? So i dont think you will have wife neither kids in sometime? Hopefully. Take your time to find yourself and what you truely want.
I have a question for you. What about women's made you feel that you were bi? Was it the emotional or sexual part of them
