What to do if I am married with kids and figure out that I'm gay

Hi Jason, I have lost feelings for my husband but only because he has been so vile to me. I am still attracted to men. However, right now I am more attracted to women. When my husband and I weren't getting on I developed feelings for a female friend. We had a lot in common and she is bi although I didn't know that at first. I never told her though because I was married and she got together with another woman. She won't talk to me anymore because she didn't want anyone to blame her for the split. I still have very strong feelings for her. I miss her and am quite frankly heartbroken. I'm doing my best to get over her but its not going well.

 

I believe that your biggest problem now is marriage , right ?

I can feel your struggle , me too I was dreaming about having a wife , kids , family .. etc , when I realized that all this was not for me , I couldn't live a lie anymore ,so I came out to my gf and broke up with her . I was thinking that what's the meaning of life without a family , without a wife and especially without kids from my own blood ! but I am gay , I am not attracted to girls and I had to face it . After that the depression started .

Now I am adapted to the idea of not getting married . And more , now I am not interested at all in marriage because simply I am gay , I love to be with a man not a woman . So my point is that at the end you will get adapted to idea of not having a wife and you will not care about it at all .

I hope I accepted myself and came out at your age rather than living in denial for my whole life . Believe me you will be happier in the long run (I am saying this to you and to myself also) so just stop thinking about marriage now and explore your sexuality .

Of course , I am assuming that you are not sure of your sexuality yet and you are afraid of figuring out that you are gay in the future . But if you are really bisexual , just ignore my post .

 

I agree with this. Every person you involve with this relationship gets tangled with your sexuality issues; your wife, your kids, your family. You would have to lie to each and every one of them at some point to keep up the show. You CANNOT do this in secrecy; your wife at the very least would need to know, BEFORE she becomes your wife. If you're scared she'll leave, then she could never love all of you, and keeping this from her robs her of being your best and most trusted ally.

Personally, I feel similar to Jason, although I am in an LTR with marriage being our final challenge. Trust me, it is a very uneasy feeling not knowing if you can put your "other" interests aside for life.

 

If we hadn't had problems I don't think I would have spent so much time with my friend. Once that closet door is open though it's really hard to close it again. My advice would be to experience relationships with both sexes. Then what ever you decide will be based on experience. I didn't do this and feel that I need to experience a relationship with a woman now. That's a feeling that won't go away and after counselling and time I can honestly say I don't want it to. I would however like to stop having feelings for people who don't care about me but that's life.

 

So what you are saying is that you want to lie to your future wife and church members about your sexual interest in men and pretend to be straight for the rest of your life, because if she knew that you also had homosexual interests she would reject you, as would the religiously prejudiced members of the church you choose to attend?

Perhaps you should consider a different kind of "wife" or life partner and a different church, that isn't prejudiced against bisexual people such as yourself. I can assure you from personal experience that pretending to be straight for the rest of your life just to meet the expectations of others is going to be very difficult and unsatisfying.

 

Jason, first of all, echoing what others have said, you're pretty young to be worrying about marriage. All sexuality questions aside, during high school, college, and early job experiences, you will meet many new people and your personality will evolve in ways you can't even imagine. You could be a hugely different person at 25 than you are at 15, and even if you were 100% undeniably straight, you could marry someone at age 18 and discover that by 28, you are so different that you can barely get along. Add ANY questions about sexuality into the picture, and frankly, that's a part of the future that's really not even worth thinking about yet.

Second, if you DO feel compelled to think about it (which you seem to!), remember that your "future wife" is a person, and needs to be very much an equal partner in the life you build together. Regardless of how you might rationalize this as "not a secret because I am sexually attracted to females too", she's not likely to see it that way. Besides that, even using the term "females" kind of turns women into non-persons, doesn't it? If you get married one day, your wife needs to be a partner in the life you build together, not a "female" that you marry in the church to keep up appearances, and not a possession that keeps you acceptable and normal or safe or whatever. In the end it really doesn't work that way. Either things will happen on the side that will hurt you both in the end, or you will shut down emotionally and end up not really being a part of the marriage that you already seem desperate to create. Either way, it's not a healthy way to live.

Give yourself time to think about things. Give yourself time to grow up. There's no law that says you have to have all this figured out at 15.

 

I very rarely post in here, but I have to interject and say that porn is never a good indicator of your orientation. I'm 100% gay and for the longest time, I still thought I was bi because when I watched straight porn, I got aroused. Simple fact is that anything sexual is going to turn you on and you have to look at people in the real world. I figured out I'm gay because I didn't find a single girl outside porn attractive and thought tons and tons of guys I saw, including my boyfriend, were attractive. I just had an "ah-ha" moment.

 

Lets say you find a woman you are attracted to and feel compelled to marry. If she ask you point blank if you are gay, what would you say? If she asks if you like men, what would you say? I find it very hard to answer these questions truthfully without revealing your orientation. This is what I mean by lying.

If your wife struggled with depression, would you want her to tell you about it? Or is it okay for her not to because "she's not always depressed"? Is it okay for you not to know because you might reject her? How would it make you feel if she'd rather tell strangers about it than you? Does she not trust you enough? Does she feel you can't handle the truth?

You are not supposed to fear your spouse. They love you, the person you are at most ease with, and someone who will be by your side no matter what, for better or worse. As I am writing these examples I am noticing that it seems a lot of your expectations of a marriage is rooted in a general lack of experience. Like Choirboy said, take some time to really explore yourself; pray, meditate, see a counselor.

 

Jason, assuming the 1998 in your tag is your age, then you have plenty of time to figure this out. Don't rush as you clearly are questioning and not sure yourself. At a minimum YOU NEED to tell you girl friend/fiancé otherwise you are lying and using her for cover. Most guys in this forum got married because, yes they wanted to live normal lives, but also because we fell in love with our wife and thought we could manage our gay side and put it away forever. WRONG! You though sound more like you are looking for cover which is clearly the wrong thing to do. Please consider the women involved.

 

Kids should not be a beard