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Staring down 40 and considering coming out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ErikTheRed, May 9, 2014.

  1. ErikTheRed

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    Not sure where to start here. Since I was young, I always had fantasies about being with other men, but initially wrote them off as typical curiosity. Was from a working class Boston home, tough-guy Italian/Irish dad and a super mom. Whenever Dad wanted to make fun of a guy or put him down it was always "fag" this and "fag" that. Lots of racial jokes, etc. In all fairness, when it came right down to it I've never seen him treat anyone differently no matter who they were, and I don't believe he's a true bigot at heart, but that shit still sticks, you know? Anyone familiar with that time and place will probably know what I mean. My mom has never had a bad word to say about anyone, and is a truly kind and accepting person. I've never had a fear about coming out to my mother beyond a reluctance to put her in a position to keep the secret from my dad. I'm pretty sure she knows, regardless.

    Anyways. I got to college and experimented, even had a boyfriend for a little bit. Thanks to a busybody, loudmouthed "friend", my family heard all about my experimentation, and when confronted about it, I took the coward's path and said "I was curious, I tried it, it wasn't for me" and it was never brought up again. I shut down that part of my life. I decided that since I find women physically attractive as well, there was no reason I shouldn't live the kind of life I wanted.

    Because I wanted a "normal" life, wife and kids, the whole bit. Still do. But I haven't had any kind of real relationship in my 30's. At some point I just have to accept that the connection I need I can only get from another man, just being able to have sex with a woman doesn't mean I can live as a straight man and be happy. The deepest romantic connection I've ever had was that one boyfriend in college, how fucking sad is that? I have to do something, because I've reached a depth of loneliness that I just can't cope with anymore.

    I'll admit, I'm friggin' terrified. I haven't been with a man in 20 years, and the closest to gay culture I've come in the meantime is a pirated dvd set of Queer as Folk and the gay movie category on Netflix. The online gay personals are.....intimidating, to say the least. I'm not looking for a hook-up, I want to meet someone, you know? I don't have the slightest idea where to start.

    I know that however difficult it may be at first, my dad loves me and will accept me once I tell him the truth. My mom will probably be relieved that it's finally out in the open. At this point I'm more afraid to see them hurt that I didn't trust them with it. I always thought it would be my family's reaction that kept me in the closet, but at this point it's my own fear of change holding me back.
     
  2. ErikTheRed

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    Wow, nothing huh? Did I put this in the wrong forum or something?
     
  3. bingostring

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    I think you put it in the right section. Though you can also try the 'later in life' section where there are many people in your situation .. or have got through it.

    It sounds like you had the negative atmosphere at home as a kid that has made the closet to be a sort of survival mechanism.

    Some questions:
    - do you know any gay people in real life?
    - do you had any trusted friends you can confide in
    - are you in or near a big city where there are better resources & LGBT
    - have you thought of untangling some of the knots using therapy?
     
  4. Quem

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    There's nothing sad about that. At least you've had a romantic connection to someone. Try to view it from that side.

    Some may have had many romantic connections, but that doesn't mean that they are happier. Perhaps they do look happier, but that tells you nothing really.

    I hope someone can help you with that.. Perhaps you should consider a dating website. You should start somewhere if you really want a relationship. It's not like the "perfect" partner pops up randomly (only if you are incredibly lucky perhaps).

    There's nothing wrong with that either. Your fear is completely understandable. Society puts a lot of pressure on us, so don't worry about it. If you feel like coming out is important for you, come out. :icon_bigg
     
  5. Clay

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    Don't take the lack of responses personally, by the looks of it a lot of the West would be in bed or not on the Internet when you posted that.

    Also the "Later in Life" section would be a great place to repost this.
     
  6. Welcome :slight_smile:

    Have a look if there are any coming out support groups in your area, sometimes they even advertise on social networking sites.
    It looks like you were held back mostly by fear of being alone in this, which is shared by many.
    Also the 'gay' world is not limited to people who are on the 'scene', which can be a bit intimidating. Try by making friends first, because it will make you feel a bit more anchored.
    But also trust yourself: if you are gay then things with a man will come more naturally than with a woman, so let nature take it course.

    For many of us staying in the closet is a bit more convenient, because in a sense it also protects us from more deep/intense feelings and fear of rejection.
    If we cannot from deep bonds with the opposite sex, it also means we cannot get hurt that easily, but is it really worth it, to deny yourself feelings?

    Knowing all the ropes in 'gay culture' does not make you more or less gay, you are your own person and will find a way that works for you with others, if you just trust you instincts.

    Good luck!
     
  7. jnr183

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    I have been speaking to a LGBT-friendly counselor and she has helped me put things in order, which in turn gave me the perspective to make me realize what I really needed to do. Good luck!
     
  8. nydtc

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    Welcome. Here's what I will say - after knowing myself for years, ( although I didn't experiment in college) I came at at 36 and it was the best thing I ever did.
    I have the life I always imagined except my partner is a man.
    Now - you can watch life continue to move on without or you can start living ( it's scary I realize). Take it slowly find an LGBT group in your area - look for friends while looking for dates. Good luck.
     
  9. ErikTheRed

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    Thanks for the responses and advice! I've been looking around and may have found a local support group, I'm going to contact and try to get some more info tomorrow. Can't hurt to check it out, and doing nothing has been getting me no where. Fingers crossed!