I just got back from singing with my church choir for the funeral of a man in his late 30's who killed himself. He had a wife and several kids, and had fought a long battle with M.S. I didn't know him personally, but several comments in the eulogy made me take note and made my mind question things just a little bit. He was a quirky guy who had fought depression since high school. Great flair for the dramatic, and he had quite a lot of self-taught musical skill, and had been a major theater geek in high school (and was a pretty dramatic sort from childhood on). No interest in sports, although he managed to catch the ball I think once and only once in an entire season of little league--fortunately to win the game! And very close to his mother, who died a few years ago, and his emotions went downhill rather quickly after that; and I believe he and his wife were close to splitting. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he was gay and in the closet, and his suicide was connected to that, just because he was dramatic and musical and not into sports. It would be something of a stretch, knowing really nothing else about him. But those snippets of information sounded very similar to the personalities of so many of us here, me included, who struggled with our sexuality, got married, tried to make things work and ultimately realized we needed to make some changes in order to keep our happiness and self-worth and sanity. If you're perusing EC because you think you're gay, even though you got married, had kids, and how can't figure out what to do, please, do something. Sign up and talk to us. Talk a therapist. Talk to a friend or co-worker or family member that you trust. Don't try to go it alone and don't let it push you to the point where you don't feel you can do anything but escape. There are many of here who have gone through this, ARE going through it, and are making it work. And we've survived, and we're happier for it. A few days before the young man's death, his brother was walking along a beach on vacation and came upon his brother's first name, scratched into the sand by some anonymous person. So that night, he called his brother, sensed that he was having problems, tried to talk him through it, and in the end just told him he loved him. It was the last thing he ever got to say to him. Obviously he was at the point where that wasn't enough anymore. But we do love you, and we understand, and we're here for you. So lurkers, don't be afraid to register and tell us your story and look for a shoulder to lean on. We're very patient and we really do care.
Well done, CB! Tragic events bring out the best in us! I saw an estimate somewhere that there are about 10 lurkers for each registered member (probably inaccurate but approximately right). So lurkers; don't hesitate to join us, all you have to lose is fear, all you have to gain is a grove of golden hearts, here waiting and willing to listen to you!
Ditto; well said, Choirboy. This forum is totally anonymous, so there is no reason not to open up and join in.
That was touching. But you know, sometimes, you muster all your courage and confide in your family or your therapist and things get much worse. They say things have to get worse to get better again, but after the years, I am starting to lose hope. So, I would advise the lurkers: try the board (any board) first
Choirboy, you know very well what this means to me and I want to thank you here for reminding all of us that no matter what the cause of depression, there are resources available for help. Sometimes the prospect of talking face to face with someone is so intimidating, but an anonymous forum like this can at least take the edge off on those bad days.
That was touching and sad I can imagine how many people are out there suffering and looking for hope . This site helped me a lot in the darkest period of my life . For all the lurkers ,we are here for you .
Founded in 1998 by the creators of the Academy Award®-winning short film TREVOR, The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people ages 13-24. TREVERLIFELINE: Our trained counselors are here to support you 24/7. If you are a young person who is in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. TrevorText- Available on Fridays (4:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m. ET / 1:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. PT). Text the word “Trevor” to 1-202-304-1200. Standard text messaging rates apply. TrevorChat - Available 7 days a week (3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET / 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT).
Thanks for posting this. It was heartfelt and I needed to read it. I know what it' s like to feel there is no hope for a better future and to want to die. I have been lurking on and off this site for a few months brought here by a you tube vlogger. I have major issues with how I am perceived by others and I think since I have so much anxiety over that, people don't get to really know me. Sometimes, I say to myself that if they really knew the real me.....not just being gay...but all the weird little idiosyncrasies I have, they would be repelled instantly. It's this social anxiety thing I have that makes it very hard for me to be me. I don't even know who "me" is anymore. I have spent a great deal of my life finding ways hide myself, stifle myself, finding any diversion I could to not have to deal with reality. I have realized living that "so called life" has brought me nothing but misery and loneliness. I grew up in an abusive environment that I think has had a major impact on the person I am. But I hope that it will not define the person I can become. I have made some major changes to my life recently and feel hopeful that things will get better. I realize that I have to make it better myself...and it took me a long while to figure that out. I have to get more comfortable in my own skin and I'm just not there yet. So I'm lurking on this message board seeking wisdom, answers, guidance, support, anything that will help me make sense of myself and direct me to what I need to do to be happy. I think I already know what I have to do.....It's finding the strength and courage to do it that is so hard! Thanks again for the post. It helped a lot!
