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How did you come out to your parents?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by thekillingmoon, May 2, 2014.

  1. OGS

    OGS
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    My parents were both very religious (they haven't stopped being religious, my mother has since died) and had made casually homophobic comments. I was very concerned that they would take it badly.

    I told my mother first. I told her I had something to tell her and that it was important and all that... and when it came time to tell her I just couldn't do it. I came totally unglued. She took my hands in hers and said you know you can tell me anything. Still couldn't do it... You know I'll always love you. Still couldn't do it... Well, I had a roommate in college whose parents had disowned him when he came out--cut off all contact. His name was Caesar. Finally my mother looked me straight in the eyes and said: You know we would never do what Caesar's parents did--now what do you have to tell me? Clearly on some level she already knew. Finally I told her. And she was very supportive--it was hard for her but she knew it was harder for me--and did everything she could to make it easier for me.

    She asked me when I was telling my father and I said I wasn't ready yet--she agreed not to tell him. But then she came to me a few days later and said she either needed me to tell him or to allow her to tell him. I protested... and I'll always remember what she said. She said--I think you should tell him because he's your father and he loves you. But I need one of us to tell him because he's my husband. I know this is happening to you and I know it's hard. And I'm so glad that when things happen in your life that are hard and when you don't know what to do you feel that you can talk to me--and I always want you to feel that way. But I need you to understand that now this thing is happening to me too and it's hard, probably not as hard as it is for you, but hard. And when things happen in my life that are difficult and when I don't what to do, part of how I deal with them is I talk to my husband... and you have to let me do that. Well, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.. so I let her tell him. She walked downstairs and about ten minutes later my father came in to the room, gave me a hug and told me he was proud of me and that he hoped someday I would find someone to love and that he would never want to do anything that would stand in the way of that.

    On a sidenote about parents who say homophobic stuff, I think a lot of times they say it without really thinking about it and they may not really have the problem with it that you think they do. Several days before I told my parents they had taken me to buy a new winter coat. Well there had been a gay male couple in front of us in line at the store. In Utah that wasn't particularly common and my father made a comment about them. I don't honestly remember what it was because it didn't strike me as that bad--certainly not hateful, just sort of casually homophobic. Well about a week after I came out my father came to me very seriously and apologized for what he had said in the store, said it was hurtful and ignorant and he hadn't thought about he was saying and he hoped I could forgive him. I had hardly even noticed it--but apparently it had eaten him up for the week. Sometimes people say stuff and all it takes is realizing they are talking about someone they love to make them not want to say those things any more.
     
  2. defatigable

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    I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to come out to my parents unless I have to, like if I've planning on marrying someone who's not a man. Telling them I'm an atheist was hard enough with tears and angst and dismissing my feelings as a phase to last me a lifetime. Plus I'm 99% sure that my Mum thinks I'll come back to being a Christian by meeting a nice Christian boy for whom I would change anything about myself because hey, that's what love is, isn't it?
     
  3. rkh57

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    I have been disowned by my entire family thank God my partners 6 brothers and 3 sisters love me like their own
     
  4. Assassin'sKat

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    I didn't mean to do it.
    I was talking about my crush, using "they" pronouns, so I wouldn't have to describe her as a she. I have a habit of doing that, to avoid people's reactions to the fact that I like girls.
    Anyway, I had told my mom before that I was probably bisexual, so she knew I could be talking about a girl right then. So she asked. I told her it was a girl. She asked if I was ever going to like boys, and I said no. I didn't mean to come out that day, I just can't really lie. She said, "It's okay, I've known that you like girls for a very long time." And then she talked about how two women can't really create a kid together. She really wants to be a grandma some day.
    She didn't like it when I thought I was bi. She didn't like the idea of having a queer kid. I bet she would prefer me to not be gay. But she is more accepting now. She's okay with it now. I've opened her mind. She just really wants me to have kids anyway. I'm not sure I will.
    So she understands now that gay love is just love and love is love, but she still doesn't believe that transgender people are actually a thing. Maybe someday she will open her mind even more. Good thing she doesn't have any transgender kids.
    She believes that there is still a chance I like boys, and sometimes she asks how I know I'm gay, why I don't think I like boys, etc. But I don't think that's bad at all. I feel like she's coming from a place of just wanting to understand. Maybe she believes me, maybe not. But I don't feel like it's intrusive or invalidating at all when she asks things like that.
     
  5. Jolly Hermione

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    My family is really open about the LBGT-Community, we always talk about it.
    And I was still really nervous when I came out to my mom. I just told her that "I might not be into men...". She took it really well.

    Im not out to my father yet, but my goal is to come out to him before I go away for my semester abroad. Which means: By september, my whole family knows ^^
     
  6. Totesgaybrah

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    I told my Mom with an email and she told my dad right as she was reading the email. I was not going to tell my dad that day but now I'm glad he found out right away.

    I had been planning to tell my Mom in person that day while we were out shopping but I never had the confidence to say it, so I went home and wrote up a coming out letter and hit send. They had no idea and it was a real shock to them but they were supportive and accepting right away. Even though my dad has made many homophobic comments in the past he has been great about it and nothing has changed really except I get better hugs now.
     
  7. angeluscrzy

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    I first told my mother about my feelings towards guys when I was 16. Fortunately, she has always been very laid back and only wanted me happy. My dad, he died 4 years ago, still never knowing anything about that aide of me.
     
  8. ChameleonSoul

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    I'm only out to my mom at this point and even then I only came out to her by accident. When I was 17, I was texting one one of my friends about how I saw this hot guy at some place that I can't even remember and instead of sending it to them, I sent it to my mom instead. Before I had a chance to explain myself, my mom was telling me we would talk later. When she got home, she told me that she didn't care and that all that she wanted was to have grandchildren (which I'm lucky enough to have my sister trying to do that herself).

    As for my dad, I haven't talked to him in years. Even if I did associate with him, if he's still as much of a bigoted, washed up fuckboy as he was when I last saw him then he wouldn't take the news well. :lol:
     
  9. ggr

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    It was during a fight with my mom. I never wanted to but I ended up saying it. After seeing her reaction, I told her I was joking but I started crying so I don't think I wasn't very convincing. She didn't cry, she was supportive. But the next day she was fully against it. She talked about a lesbian couple in her hometown, that one of the girls ended up getting married to some rich guy and the other committed suicide. She said that she heard of a film with a lesbian student that hurt her roommate everyday, about how the media portrays these kind of relationships badly. She said she didn't want me to get hurt and cried a lot.

    Nowadays she is trying to think about it more positively, we talk about positive stories. We don't fight as much. She told me to not come out to anyone else. I asked her if she was embarrassed. She didn't reply. I was never expecting her to. But now I finally have someone to talk to about these things and she is willing to listen to me. It didn't destroy my relationship with my mom but things have changed but I think we understand each other better because we are more honest. It turned out to be a good thing.