Thank you, 'Kat. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 07:31 AM ---------- It purifies. :roflmao: :icon_wink
^This! And I feel ya. :/ Really great question. You know, honestly I think I would have to say falling in love. I felt almost zero motivation (okay, *strong* motivation, anyway) to come out on any particular timeline, because until I had that first relationship, coming out of the closet just seemed so "Eh, why bother? It doesn't change anything about how my loved ones view me, and if I never meet anyone, what will have been the point or the need?" Self-centered (or selfish), I know (considering the world needs as many of us visible and representing as possible), but. But then, out of the blue, I met my first girlfriend. And she was ah-maze-ing, and I loved her so, so much - I truly thought God had done something amazing and blessed me with The One, right out of the starting gate. And we were so serious that within a few months, we knew we wanted to marry each other. I felt whole and warm inside for the first time in my entire life, and like my dreams had come true and I would never have to be alone again, or die alone. So that's what convicted me deep in my heart that coming out was not something that I could not do, any more. My wholeness and happiness--OUR wholeness and happiness (hers & mine) depended on it. And then something really hard happened. :'( It's a complicated story, but one day she told me that she was not in love with me (any more?), and she broke things off with us. And it was not until after this happened that I actually *did* manage to come out to my first people. But what gave me the drive and the strength to do it was knowing with a deep and firm conviction in my heart, now, that God truly does not mean for me to be alone, and that there *is* someone out there, for me. And that I owe it to myself, my life, my heart, my God, to live out and proud. Because love is worth it. And is beautiful and sacred. And deserved by all. I also wanted to do it too, because I have a strong feeling of owing it to "*future* wonderful girl" (my spouse) to not put her through that - the angsting, the waiting; the potential family reaction & drama and turbulence - if at all possible. To have all my ducks in that regard, in a row, and all my 'sh*t' taken care of. lol So: short answer? Because I wanted to be happy. :icon_wink Because I had a vision of the future, and realized I could be. And that I wanted that. So, so much. :') ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 08:21 AM ---------- (*hug*) Thank you, bingostring. Those words mean a lot. And you're right; I desperately wanted to, earlier (at some point after meeting my first gf), but I just couldn't, yet. Until I did. Everyone has their own timeline; their own right time. And no one should ever think they have a right to rush that, for another person. (&&&) ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 08:25 AM ---------- (*hug*)
I think everyone has regrets about the time before they came out. I guess there are probably kids now who come out at twelve and don't have those sort of regrets--and good for them. But even if you don't wait until later in life I think it feels similar. I came out at around 22 and feel like I sort of missed so much potential in high school and college by not being out earlier. That I waited until 22 is among the deepest regrets I have. The grass is always going to be greener, just rejoice that you made it to the "Party" when you did. So many never get there--and it's a great party!
In my experience, most of the support sections of EC have useful and beneficial information applicable whether you're 13 or 73. The issues that come up in relationships, sexual questions/problems, insecurities and shame... all of those are pretty much the same regardless of age. Of course, there are some issues unique to teens that don't apply to older people and vice-versa, but most of the threads on EC can apply to anyone. I recomend the "new posts" button at the top, as it will bring up all of the threads with new posts in them since the last time you logged on, and then you can just click on the ones of interest.
Feeling old because so many much younger people have it so much more worked out than I ever did. *check* Wanting to feel free, excited and exhilarated. *check* Not wanting to date unless it was serious/having no "casual" button. *check* The main way I differ is that I find it impossible not to have deep intimate connections, and this led me to relationships (all of which were serious to me, culminating in my current 27+ year relationship) starting at 16. But I have a good online friend who is almost exactly in your position...never dated a man or woman until her mid-late 30's, and now feels fully in the throes of figuring out who she is sexually, what she wants romantically, everything. So you're far from alone. And we're here for each other. *hugs*
I'm 36, came out to my family and friends at 35 and my internal coming out process lasted from about 32 to 34. It took a long time until I could step in front of the mirror and say "I'm gay" without this causing any bad feelings. I never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but I'm not a virgin, in my mid teenage years I had two affairs with neighbour boys and we tried out everything. I somehow felt different from childhood on, and latest after these affairs I should have realised I'm gay, but I desperately wanted to be normal in my not so accepting environment and didn't know the facts about homosexuality, so I started the denial process and hoped "these feelings" would go a way once I would fall in love with a girl. But this, of course, never happened since I am gay. And I also feel like having wasted an awful long time :-(
Hey I'm just the same!! I'm 36 and never had a real relationship bar a few short-lived boyfriends who I hugged and kissed but not much else..!! Now I come out at age 30-ish and am in love with an amazing girl... she loves me too but is also scared and closeted although she does have ongoing casual relationships whereas I don't (I have no casual button either!!!) But she only does this out of fear for her real feelings....
You are definitely not alone in this. I finally admitted to myself at 37, that I am attracted to both men and women. I knew I was different in Jr High, but growing up religious and having a very openly homophobic father, made that impossible.
Must be the Water But its REALLY good to hear there are others in my situation - not as alone as I once thought! Thanks for that!
I'm 52, but I enjoy hearing the younger people expressing their growing confidence to come out of the closet. I do feel a bit sad for myself at times over potential opportunities I've missed out on. Growing up gay in the 1970s & 1980s was difficult to say the least. I guess what depresses me more than anything is that I'm attracted to younger guys, but most younger guys wouldn't want to be with me. But I've accepted my life as it is, and yes, I am comfortable in my own skin.
I'm new to EC but I can so relate to your post. I felt compelled to comment because I'm kind of in the same boat. I am 38 years old and really don't know where the last 15 years of my life went. I've pretty much known I was gay since middle school but suppressed the feelings and didn't acknowledge attraction to the same sex (or the opposite sex either) at all. I was kind of asexual and really just denied that part of me - not only to others but to myself. In high school I was kind of the shy, quiet kid who really kept to himself and maybe had one close friend. My friend is gay and we came out to each other a few years after high school when we got older. He is in a relationship with a guy and we kind of lost touch over the years. There are few others that know about me with the exception of two other gay guys and a few straight people who I think suspect. It's just so much easier to come out to other gay people because you feel you won't be rejected. Anyway, I have really just not been comfortable in my own skin for too long and I've been very unhappy and I'm tired of being unhappy and want to tell others but I feel so old....like you. I feel like if I was going to do it, I should have done it years ago and maybe it's too late or me. It's been a very lonely, isolating place and I have drowned myself in work and hobbies to try to not have to deal with it but it inevitably keeps coming back. I've made some recent changes to my life that I hope will spark the ultimate change. I will post more about my life soon. It's a sad tale but I hope has a happy ending. I am looking forward to hearing how things work out for you too! With many blessings for you, Julius
(*hug*) Nice to meet you, Julius. And your life is only just beginning, now. Just like mine. I'm glad you wrote.
All paths...thank u sooo much for this link off my thread. This really has put a smile on my face. Not because of the stories on here; but for the feeling of relief knowing thG I am not alone with my emotions. This really is a great thread. Wish we could all go to the EC chat and have a "support group" or something. After hearing all of OUR issues, I think we all could feel better about our decisions from years past that are affecting us all now. Power in numbers. Plus this type of "anonymous" support would make it a lot easier for the introverts like myself. I would love to join an LGBT support group in my area if only I had more confidence. That will come in time and reading all these wonderful posters comments I think would help build the confidence that it seems (to me) that we all need. Anyone else? Thoughts? We could do like a Saturday or Sunday group chat here in EC and just help one another. Open to any ideas and again thank you to all that have posted here and help me see I'm not alone.
(*hug*) Luv. You're welcome!! ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2014 at 10:19 PM ---------- And I am still waiting on my Full Member status, but I would indeed like to do chats with some of us "later in life" folks once that happens for me. (Can't use the Chat system until then.)
I can't say that I'm just like you, since I'm only 20 years old, but I can sort of relate to the "feeling old" and "missing out" on life feelings. Seeing all the teens on EC talk about what they're going through, and getting to experience makes me feel old, lonely, and like I've missed out on my "golden years" (even though I know that realistically speaking, I haven't). I feel like society pressures us into feeling like by age 18, you should have already had a sexual experience and/or been on a date. I've had neither, not even a first kiss! My problem is that I'm pretty confused about my sexuality (see here, and feel free to share your thoughts on my situation: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...e-im-turned-still-need-help-soo-confused.html) and I'm too nervous about experimenting. Going into my senior year of college and not having a single relationship/sexual experience has me down in the dumps! I too am very picky when it comes to people, so I feel you there. All I can say is that there are young people out there who feel you. I'm only now starting to openly (at least on the internet, not in real life yet) question/explore my confusion regarding my sexuality. I hope things go well for you!
There's really nothing wrong with being "super-selective", as long as your standards are realistic, not completely unreasonable, and you hold yourself to the same standards that you apply to others. When I started coming out, I had my suspicions that as a gay, conservative Catholic who is hyper-responsible and very devoted to my children, and even my very difficult wife, whom I am allowing to slowly adjust and move towards independence (with a few more nudges required that I expected), I was very likely to end up living my life as I saw fit, no expectations of a partner, just the hopes of being able to live an honest, truthful, life and not need to bury my sexuality anymore. I was surprised to discover that I was not the only person with those attitudes, and the fact that I was open to sharing who I was, opened up possibilities that I never expected (and came as a huge and wonderful surprise). Be who you are, be open and confident, but don't judge those who don't necessarily share your beliefs, because we all have something to offer. Life can be a wonderful series of surprises if you let yourself be open to them.
Thanks, all paths, for posting the thread that got me to register here. I've been "out to myself" for maybe 15 years or so, since my late 20s. But I haven't ever sought out a relationship, or even casual hookups. And so most of that time I've felt, well, exactly how you put it: Yes. That. Exactly that. That's why I haven't felt any particular need to come out for most of the past 15 years. Except lately I've been thinking I need to come out anyway, despite not being in or looking for a relationship. And so I look around the web and for books about coming out, and there's lots for teens and young adults. So I look specifically for resources on coming out in middle age, and the vast majority of those are for people who have spouses and children. And like you say, I suppose I should be grateful not to be in that situation, but those resources don't seem that applicable to me. But my searches also brought up Empty Closets, and this thread in particular, and it's heartening just to see that I'm not the only one thinking about coming out in middle age, yet having always been single. I should probably write up a full introductory post, undoubtedly much longer than this comment, but for now I wanted to say thanks to you, all paths, and to everyone who's posted in this thread, for getting me here.
it never matters at what age you come out, so don't feel ashamed coming out later in life, you may regret coming out late, but at least you don't regret coming out at all. rite? I mean u might take my opinion with a grain of salt since I am 23, and came out 9 years ago when I was 14, but still, coming out is coming out, no matter if 14 or 37. chin up.
