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'Late to the coming-out Party' people problems

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by all paths, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. all paths

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    :frowning2: I feel so OLD.

    I know I'm not, but hearing and seeing all of the 13-20 yr olds (or at least still in their early 20's) around EC gets depressing.

    It makes me feel sad about my life, sad for what I've lost in time, in experiences, etc.

    When I want to feel Happy. I want to feel free, and excited, and exhilarated - 'cause I do!

    But being here makes it a bit more challenging. :/ Which is...depressing.


    Taking so much time to figure out what I wanted & who I was in life lead me to not live much of life. For instance, I only had my first girlfiend (OR boyfriend) at the age of 34. Part of that's just _me_, I guess. I'm different. I'm only interested in connecting with other people that way if I'm really serious. It's like I have -no- "casual" button. :/

    On the other hand, this super-selectiveness of mine has had its blessings: I've never been married in a wrong relationship for me; I don't have kids produced from such a marriage; I have no family that I'm breaking up because of having made a mistake borne out of not knowing myself or being in denial.

    So I *know*...I should be grateful.

    I may be starting late, but I'm starting with a completely clean slate; never even been written on.

    But I just feel like I don't quite fit in yet another way, for that reason: Most "oldbies" can't relate to me because they *are* coming from pre-existing 'lives' ... and most young folks on here can't relate to me having waited so long, or coming from a world that was much, MUCH less open & accepting than the one they've come of age into.

    I feel very alone.

    Is there even anyone else out there like me? :frowning2:
     
  2. BMC77

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    Sounds like me! I have no pre-existing life, at least in the sense of ever having had a girlfriend or wife. No boyfriend or husband either. And I only really fully accepted I'm gay in the last year, ending years of denial...

    I can also remember a less accepting world without much trouble...
     
  3. all paths

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    *clings* lol

    Grateful to know you!!!

    Gosh, even if you're just 1 person, that'd be enough! :')
     
  4. BMC77

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    And yes, I don't feel like I fit into the usual gay male coming out at 43 mold.
     
  5. all paths

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    *nods*

    Question: If you don't mind my asking, do you come from a religious background too, BMC77?
     
  6. BMC77

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    I may be the only one! :lol:
     
  7. all paths

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    Don't say that! >.<

    xD lol
     
  8. BMC77

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    No, at least not in the sense of being something like conservative Christian.

    One huge issue was that my family fell apart when I was a teenager, and the fall out from that lasted until I was in my late 20s... The cynicism I had about relationships after that lasted even longer...

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 12:09 AM ----------

    OK...I won't. But we definitely seem to be a minority here!
     
    #8 BMC77, Apr 21, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2014
  9. deejay

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    Hey yeah! Talking about age and coming out late... I can feel for both of you... I'm nearly 34 years of age and has only come to my senses accepting myself at the age of 30.... Just imagine the years of denying it to myself, been trying to live the straight life for 30 years inspite the fact that since 7 yrs old I certainly feel there's something wrong in me... Just came out with a few trusted friends last year after an awful closeted relationship has ended and tore me apart...

    Talking about relationship, never had any serious relationship with the opposite sex (since I've been in the closet for my entire life). Three failed relationship with same sex. Currently in a relationship with no assurance at all.

    Talk about career? Gosh, I still cannot figure it out what I really want to pursue. So, I always end up getting bored with my job wanting to jump over the next offer that would help fix my financial situation. Til now, I'm trying to find a better paying job with career opportunities and benefits (working in a small company in an Arab country sucks big-time, my boss is killing me slowly...)

    Stability and Security in Life? Who knows if I may have the right amount of money to live by the next day... I am just living one day at a time and I am coping up with what I have on my plate.

    Sum it up, I do admit that my life sucks more than someone can ever imagine. But I'm surviving everyday and knowing that I have more than enough than those who live for begging keeps me going that someday all these circumstances would change.

    So much for my non-sense though, what's up???
     
  10. ScaredyKat

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    You're definitely not alone. I have known that I'm gay since I was about 9 years old, and despite some small baby steps out of the closet over the years, I'm still not there yet. Feels like such a waste of my time and life - but I don't accept myself to come fully out.

    I had never had a relationship with either sex until I was 34. That was with a woman but with us both being in the closet, it wasn't particularly fulfilling and it definitely wasn't a life changing moment! I'm now in a second relationship which is great - but still I'm not fully out and still not fully accepting of myself. It's hard and I know I've got to change something or this relationship won't last either.

    I'm envious of where you currently are! Don't regret it, you're ready to start your life fully and nothing can hold you back.
     
  11. MfromA

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    Definitely not alone. I'm 37 with pretty much 0 relationship history. I really just started considering myself gay 1 year ago. It certainly has its ups and downs. It's bad to think of all the potential good relationships I've missed, but good to know that I haven't made any commitments that I would just have to break.

    What finally motivated you to consider coming out? For me it was not so much loneliness (which I know how to live with) but a sense that having someone to care for and who would care for me would just be so much better.
     
  12. bingostring

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    Nopeā€¦ you are not alone.

    And not necessarily "late". Some on EC are coming out in 60/70s etc.

    If you didn't do it earlier, you probably couldn't .. so less beating self up please !!

    pining for the "lost years" is part of the process .. its natural .. you'll re-focus when things move on for you.

    But I must confess I do also get envious when I see younger people apparently having a carefree time !!
     
    #12 bingostring, Apr 21, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2014
  13. Cool Bananas

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    Are there other parts of EC that I should read, I default my favourites to later in life forum on EC and rarely look at anything else, I did not come to accept that I was gay until 34 and didn't tell any straight friends until I was 39, don't rush yourself go at your own pace.
     
  14. BMC77

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    I probably could have come out earlier. Sigh. But there was a good stretch when it would have been, at best, a really, really, really bad idea.


    Intellectually, I realize what happened is what happened. There is no changing the past.

    I just wish I had more optimism for the future...

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 11:48 AM ----------

    You mean you don't read each and every part of the forum with great care? :eek: :lol:

    Generally I click on the "New Posts" button (on the blue bar, between chat room and the search buttons). That gives a list of all the new posts across EC. I then select what sounds interesting, and pay no attention to where that particular post "lives."
     
    #14 BMC77, Apr 21, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2014
  15. all paths

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    Thank you all so much for your posts! I feel very heartened and much less alone now. :slight_smile:

    I will respond more to some individual questions and points a little while later, when I've got more time to myself.

    I really can't say how much I appreciate knowing you all have a similar experience to mine, and that you replied. I'd love to hear from as many more as possible. <3

    (&&&)
     
  16. Arch

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    Oh my gosh- this thread is great- I am a newbie to EC and have just been looking at thread and finding that just wonderful in itself.
    I am 44, have never been in a relationship with either male or female and in fact am a virgin (first time I have said that to anyone).
    I have been struggling for years with my sexual orientation - fear, denial and everything else. I too feel heartened and less along and this thread has given me the strength to post - so thanks to all.
     
  17. TreeClimber

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    I only came out- well first admitted to myself I was gay, something I have known since sixth grade- last December, a month before my 49th bday. I got hurt by both a guy and a girl when I was 20, and burnt out at college due to a undisguised learning disability. I basically packed up and went home thinking it was safer not to have friends etc. fast forward 28 years and a old high school friend pops up on fb- he tells me he found out he was gay at 27. He lives in NYC, while I did not leave my parents house till 45. Just made me realize how much time I have lost. Sometimes I get jealous of him getting it all. But it also turns out that I was in love with him in hs- thought he was cute the first day he walked into home room. And it turns out sits in front of me due to the spelling of his name. So he stirred up all kinds of emotions.
     
  18. TreeClimber

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    Great- can't add to first one!

    But yes I can totally relate to the idea of looking back and realizing how much of my life was a waste and being depressed . ADR things even worse was it was also our 30 school reunion last fall! Even more reminders of time lost.

    Right now I am trying to figure out my future- am also married, she knows, but wants to work things out. One day at a time !
     
  19. all paths

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    I too am a virgin, Arch. :slight_smile:
     
  20. BMC77

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    Welcome to EC!

    And, like you, I've never had a relationship. Not even a casual date in high school. And, oh, yes, I'm also a virgin.

    I notice you are in Spokane area. I'm in the Seattle area. I don't suppose there is something with the WA water. :lol: