Being ourselves

I really appreciate reading everyone's posts. It seems preposterous for me--on the downhill side toward 70--to be here, to be thinking about what I'm thinking about. I grew up as a tall white male in a tall white (hetero) male-dominated society. I was one of them. But at the same time, I wasn’t. I didn’t even like them—even though I saw myself in them in so many different ways. It's clear to me now that what might be called our responsibility experiences overlays our emotional essence. I am a husband, father, grandfather. I was a breadwinner and life goes comfortably on because of that fact. I was all these things because of the culture I grew up in—marriage was expected—and because of a goal, a rational decision, that I set for myself: to prove I could raise a family that wasn’t as dysfunctional as the family I grew up in. So sometimes I think--oops, I lived the wrong life! So in turn I congratulate all of you for being brave enough to face the 'real' reality when you're still young enough to do something about it.

 

Choirboy, I love it :roflmao:

Very amusing the way you wrote it, but absolutely spot on.

 

The second part of your post is where I am now. It's tiring and stressful and like you say, a massive weight to carry around. But at the moment that seems more preferable than coming out to my parents, even though I know it's not. It's torture.

 

Well said, Brother Badger; well said.

This has been the topic of the day. From the threads about honesty and kindness to the one about "lifestyle" to this one about being honest as to who we are. All good topics for a day celebrating rebirth.

I was asked to day why I don't feel confident today. The person asking this said the viewed me as a strong person and he respected me for that. The only reply I could give was that I'm new to being gay, soon to be living on my own, which I've never essentially done, and discovering who I am. I'm not a pup in years, but I am, as newly out gay man, a puppy. I need to learn the rules, make some time for me, enjoy the freedom of who I am.

This is a rebirth, and before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I mean no disrespect to this day by this, but I can now rejoice in who God created and no longer be ashamed or closeted, because this "isn't God's plan for my life"; when all along I am now the very creature He crafted and intended me to be.

I'm never going to fit in a label, more badger than bear. For now the label is useful, because it helps me get my feet wet and let's people know something about me. I am not working class. I own no flannel or camo. I try not to over-indulge in food. What I am is accepting, affectionate, caring...attributes often associated with the bear community. Though I've also heard it said that many bears aren't accepting of "twinks", that word grates on me like nails on a chalkboard.

One of the reasons I like the gay men's chorus is that I've been exposed to any number of different types of gay men than I might have known or gotten to know due to the prejudices I learned while in the closet. Yet now this conservative, upper-middle class WASP gay man who'd have laughed at you had you made the suggestion he'd walk arm and arm down the street with an African-American queen who carries a crystal encrusted phone and is known to wear nail lacquer and has a breathy, little girl voice like Marilyn Monroe. I proud to say he's one of my best friends.

That may not sound like an earth shattering deal, but less than four months ago I never would done that, muchless give him a kiss on the cheek when say goodbye on same said street. A baby step for some, but a giant step for me.

I'm in flux. I'm growing. No longer will I be tied to the manicured lawns or the Valley Club or a 5 bedroom Connecticut cape, but no longer will I be tied to their tyranny. I am a new creation. It is my past, not my future, and my future will now take on new meaning as I grow. (&&&)

 

"Don't those stereotypes just make you want to set down your Cosmo and bitch slap someone, honey?"

Choirboy, you are my hero.

I don't think I'm struggling with being "true" to who I am, but I just don't like who I am. I'd much rather be straight. Life would be a whole lot easier. But that's not an option, so I'm still in "suck it up" mode rather than "embrace who you are" mode.

My mother, who taught British literature, would no doubt chime into this conversation that "This above all: to thine own self be true" is usually misquoted from Hamlet. Polonius, who says this line to his son, Laertes, is actually being snarky, ironic. And "true" in this context actually means "self-serving," not "honest."

 

"Being oneself"...this is a tricky proposition. My signature does allude to the self as being the ultimate mystery. It seems to me that it is almost unnecessary to define one's own self if the emphasis is on "being" rather than "knowing" oneself.

Are we more ourselves when we are alone, or when we are part of the world at large, in whatever "community" we find ourselves in? If it's the latter, are we just chameleons or is there no fundamental ground that we can actually call a self?

Ultimately, it seems easier to know when we are not being ourselves under certain social or coercive pressures. In an LGBT context, we "know" where our preferences lie, and we certainly know when it is wise to keep this to ourselves...but what a leap from that single, albeit important, facet of the self to a definition of the whole self!

When it comes to the self, the problem is the attempt to define (to set boundaries) around our conception of ourselves (or suffering the definitive boundaries that others set upon us). Am I the same person today as yesterday, or tomorrow? Probably, but not necessarily...

 

One things that has kept me from being honest with myself is that I have suffocated myself with lies. At some point, an internal decision was made by me that I wasn't going to explore. That I was just going to live under certain laws. I have let those laws define me so much that I never let myself bring the question, of being attracted to men, to the table of my conscious mind.

Those laws have required me to think through my decisions. I was not responding from my heart or intuitive sense. Those were always secondary to the laws that I abided by unconsciously.

This thinking person has always been in control. I have mistaken it as me. This whole time, the real me has been screaming inside and I have been acknowledging the pain and unhappiness, and treating it like a wound. Thinking that if I dress it properly with the right exercises, food, meditation, and thinking...then I would be able to happy. (It used to be if I could just find the right woman).

I have been aggressively seeking peace in my life with healthy tools, but I now realize that I intrinsically have been trying to fix myself, so that I could be a happy, straight man and find a female partner to fall in love with and have kids with. It was never going to work. That was the path in front of me, I just needed to get my mysterious mental health together.

To be honest, I would have first had to acknowledge that I was being dishonest. That question was locked away somewhere deep inside of me.

So what is the answer to your question? Not sure, exactly....One thing, though, that is keeping me from being honest is to fully let go of the mental thought patterns I use to re-enforce this idea of "me". To start trusting that there is a guide inside of me that I can trust, and I can let it be free.

It was reawakened yesterday by spending an afternoon with a gay couple, and letting my guard down a bit. Waking up the next day, I felt reinvigorated with the energy that was released.

 

I have so much empathy with everything you wrote and just want to offer a (*hug*) You can get past it, I know you can.

Hope the "laws" are of your own making or maybe religious/cultural, rather than the law of the land you live in.

 

Great thread!
What held me back...fear and rejection. I was outed in hiigh school by my brother and paid dearly for it. Swore I would never be gay again. Then marrage and the kids come along just further locking the closet door.

Fast forward many decades and none of that matters. My subconscious is kicking me out. I guess it is saying enough already you are gay and your going to be gay so with a swift kick to the but I'm being outed by myself. Funning thing happened though, I now want to be gay and I wouldn't take a pill to make me straight if there wad one. Maybe I'll start a "would you take a pill " thread.