Not sure what I'm wanting, but I wanted to just shout out into the void! (finally had the nerve to post something.) Hi everyone, I finally accepted or maybe more acknowledged? that I'm bisexual with more female preference?, or gay. :smilewave It's been a rough year for me. Was in a long term relationship with a man for almost 4 years. The relationship recently ended. It ended because of my depression from a variety of things, my sexuality included, but not disclosed, and our relationship not being on the same page. Many times I wanted to add that "little" tidbit in, of questioning myself, but I never did. There's guilt for that. I guess it ending was a blessing in disguise, because now I feel like I have the freedom to think about it without overwhelming guilt. I feel like I've built more and more walls around myself and through the years it seems to get thicker and more claustrophobic. I'm really shy, especially around new situations, and people that I don't know. Haha, almost didn't get hired at my first job because they thought I was too quiet and wouldn't talk to the customers. I constantly fight the desire to be accepted, to be "normal," and to blend into the background. I feel the need to do what's expected of me. I'm not sure if that's why it's been so difficult for me to accept myself or to open up to others. I tried therapy for awhile, but my insurance didn't cover it, so after a bit I had to stop because I couldn't afford it. It also didn't help that one of the reasons I went was to talk about my sexuality, but I never had the nerve to bring it up. It was also felt stuck on the end of my tongue. Anyways, thanks for listening to me. You're the first I've opened up to.
Hey rainshadow, welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. Coming to terms about who we are is the main struggle for all of us here. It also means that we are choosing not to fit in, or more precisely, we are consciously making the choice not to fit a round peg into a square hole. Normalcy is overrated, I prefer to call that "mediocrity", reversion to the mean, following the herd...you get the idea. One of the side effects of coming out is that we tend to get the nerve, the guts, to be ourselves for once. Yeah, that will probably mean you will get noticed. But for the right reasons!
Hey Rainshadow! I'm Chloe.. It's nice to meet you! It sounds like you've had a tough road.. don't worry you're not alone! This website will prove that to you.. I am already addicted to this place because it gives me such a release. If you ever need any help with anything I am here! (*hug*)
Welcome. I am in a similar situation only 15 years further down the road. We are the lucky ones because we don't have to worry about spouses. When I read of the heartbreak so many married e.c members go through it breaks my heart. This is a great place to get support.
Thanks everyone for your kind words of wisdom! Greatwhale, I really like you analogy about the circle peg in the square hole. That's so true. I hope to to learn to accept myself better and to learn more about myself. Chloekiss, you're right about it feeling like a release. Just speaking to you and getting some of my thoughts out has helped so much. azure au, I totally agree with what you said. Thanks for your support.
Hi rainshadow and welcome to ec. I'm relatively new here myself. Like azure au, I'm going through the same you are, only I'm 15 years older. Please take your time, and be patient with yourself. This is a process. If you want info on local (Seattle) resources, I may have some. Just pm me. Nice to meet you.
Welcome. I finally accepted my sexuality after my exhusband and I divorced. It is better to have the space to deal with it while single.
Welcome to the forums! I too have struggled with walls I've built around myself and allowed myself to become isolated. No matter where you are today that doesn't mean you can't be somewhere else tomorrow or next week or a year from now. When someone has been in a long relationship sometimes they lose or give up some of the things that interest them or that they enjoy doing. Find one thing that you want to do or try and join a group on meet up or a local board. Start testing those things out and I bet the pieces will start falling into place. Hang in there and keep posting!
