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Remembering Birthdays

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by greatwhale, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. greatwhale

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    Hey guys,

    I just wanted to thank you for your kind birthday wishes.

    EC and you my dear friends remembered my birthday, my colleagues at work remembered my birthday, my friend with benefits remembered my birthday, the gay hotline and the choir remembered by birthday; my sisters, my mother and hell, even Google remembered my birthday.

    The only ones who forgot were my kids.

    I spoke to them on the phone earlier today, expecting a simple happy birthday, but nothing from either of my younger kids. My ex was standing there listening (as she is wont to do); and she didn't remind them while they were talking to me. I refused to do the reminding, that would have been the final humiliation.

    My older son finally remembered later tonight after his band practice, I spoke with him, it seems he woke up his brother who called me right after, crying and feeling very badly that he forgot. I told him not to feel guilty, and that it wasn't his fault. I told him that I loved him very much after which he hung up.

    I'm not there, so apparently out of sight, out of mind...

    I normally don't get baited into fighting with the ex, but this was too much. I let loose a vicious text and then I turned off my phone, I'm not playing her games anymore; karma will take care of that bitch.

    There...I feel better already.
     
  2. Pete1970

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    Hi Greatwhale,

    First off - Happy Birthday,

    Secondly - Sorry you still have to put up with the games from your ex. It wouldnt kill her to remind the youngest to call you.
     
  3. BMC77

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    I'm sorry about your kids. I can't say what/why it happened. But one possible that occurs to me is that they may not have had to actively remember. Up until a year or two ago, they probably got plenty of reminders from their mother. "Dad's birthday is tomorrow! Be home in time for his birthday dinner." I honestly know that I never remembered either of my parents' birthdays as a teenager. I knew rough time of year (down to the month), but exact day? Indeed, even now, I struggle a bit remembering the exact day of my father's birthday. (Which is why God gifted me--and people like me--with Google Calendar. :lol:slight_smile:
     
  4. BlueSky224

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    I'm with BMC77 on this. Unless kids are prompted, it just doesn't work. I can never remember birthdays, so I rely on Facebook to remind me! And I usually am off by one day with one of my sisters. I still love her. And I'm sure your kids love you.

    Given everything that has happened in your life in the past month, I don't think that this is worth sweating. I have no doubt that you're an outstanding father. And the absurd control issues that your ex wife is experiencing will eventually fade.

    If it makes you feel any better, my parents forgot my birthday this year (as they often do.) But I got a hand-written card and a bottle of wine from United Airlines. I suddenly felt that my life mattered a lot more to an airline than to my family. And I am nothing like George Clooney.
     
  5. BMC77

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    I am reminded of one Sixteen Candles quote:

    "I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday!"
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Thanks guys,

    Feeling better now, but yeah..."They fucking forgot my birthday" (love Molly Ringwald when she said that in Sixteen Candles!).

    I'm reminded of the quote by Louis C.K.:

    Bluesky, when Google changed its usual "doodle" to wish me a happy birthday I had the same feeling, I mean it's impressive and all but wow we've come a long way on the social technology front...
     
    #6 greatwhale, Apr 9, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  7. Choirboy

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    GW, my birthday and my wife's are 6 days apart and I doubt that my girls really remember off the top of their heads what either of them are, and even with us both living under the same roof, they have to be reminded. But your son's reaction is very touching--it means that although the date may have been out of sight, you yourself weren't out of mind at all--otherwise he wouldn't have been so upset about forgetting. Love between parents and children is much more than just remembering random dates and sending duty cards or token presents or calls when you're "supposed to" call. It's care and concern, and knowing that they're important, even if sometimes we forget.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Of course, it really is not a big deal in the scheme of things; I know full well that kids forget, it's normal. What upset me most was my son getting upset, it was a direct effect of her attitude in all this, she simply can't let go of her hatred and she does not see or accept her responsibility in the damage it is causing the kids, and more specifically their relationship with her.

    My daughter texted me last night to apologize and to say that all three kids had already gotten together to buy me a shirt, so yes, of course, they did something and it is special, no doubt about it.

    It's the old futile complaint: if only that other person were more like me! I would not have neglected to remind the kids to acknowledge their mother's birthday, so I assumed she would have the decency to just do that. But even that is too much to expect; so be it, one less thing to care about.
     
  9. StillAround

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    I think, greatwhale, that much good will come from this. I think I would react the way you have. Forgetting your birthday is such a typical thing for kids. But I, too, would be upset that my child was upset. I would feel the pain along with them. But your son's pain will pass quickly; your children's decision to get together to get you a present is a sign of their love and regret that they may have hurt you in some way. It's really touching that your daughter texted you to tell you they'd already gotten you something.

    I think they'll integrate the experience into the way they live their lives. If they've got cellphones, they'll program your birthday into them and set an alarm. But they probably won't forget next year. You will feel so good that that they still feel so close to you, and they will feel so good about themselves in that they've taken a little bit of control over their own lives and actions. All part of growing up...

    (*hug*)
     
  10. HopeFloats

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    Greatwhale! Happy Belated Birthday. I turned 39 yesterday myself. We share a birthday!

    I think it's really hard to let go of expectations - especially of our exspouses. But your exwife has proven over and over that you and your relationship with your kids are not a priority for her. That's the kindest way to say it. So try to let go of expectations in that regard. Maybe next year you can plan a birthday dinner for yourself and the kids. That may prompt them to get a card or otherwise wish you a happy birthday.

    Last year my exhusband reported me to the department of child services on my birthday. He has a way of attempting to ruin it every year. (The state rejected the report as unfounded). I have decided to have a great birthday every year regardless of what he does or doesn't do. This year my girlfriend took my daughter shopping for my birthday card and gift and they made me a cake together. So it really was a good one.
     
  11. greatwhale

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    That is totally awesome, happy birthday to you too! :icon_bigg

    We did the right thing letting go of these toxic people in our lives...yours is a nasty specimen too it appears! Where do we find these people???

    Lesson learned: next year I plan something in advance, bypasses all the BS.

    Thank you StillAround, your wisdom and experience are just what I needed, and yes, I am carving my own channels of communication with the kids. My therapist counselled me to do just that; to get away from triangular, mediated communications involving her. From now on it's just me and the kids. Any communication with her is for specific arrangements and other, general matters.
     
    #11 greatwhale, Apr 9, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  12. BradThePug

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    Happy belated birthday! Coming from the perspective of the kids, I've never been able to remember my parents birthdays. My mom always has to remind me of my dad's and and my dad always has to remind me of my mom's. There was one year where I got their birthdays flip-flopped... that was awkward. So, it could just be that they are so used to somebody reminding them that it took them a bit to remember your birthday on their own.
     
  13. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Happy belated birthday GW.
    Total b.s. for your ex to weaponize the kids and your birthday. For what it's worth, for my own divorce, we agreed that the kids spend the day with whomever's birthday it is regardless of who has them that day based on the agreed schedule.

    But like everyone else said, kids just don't know when their parents birthdays are for the most part. I certainly had to be reminded. Still do.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    Spoke to her over the phone today, she gave me her usual 10-minute speech about how I ruined her life, etc. etc. but what was interesting was the tone. Much more flat than usual, no yelling, just...flat. I didn't argue, I just listened (that hotline training really came in handy). After she was done with her monologue conversation, we actually managed to discuss the upcoming weekend without too much fuss while agreeing I agreed to speak to her with respect.

    I know her so well. What I wrote in that text yesterday was pretty rough and unique, even by my standards of creative rudeness, but, it had the desired effect...like a line had been crossed and it might just be better if we both step back from that particular precipice before it gets really nasty...for the sake of the kids, of course...:badgrin: