Secrets, lies and self acceptance

Thanks Sig, best wishes to you too. Glad my post helped in some way.

I feel like I'm in a constant circle of déjà vu. Thinking about how and when to tell my parents all of the time now. In a way it's good that I'm not putting it into the "too uncomfortable to even think about" pile, but it is tiring and stressful.

Spoke to my brother on Sunday and again via text today. He says he'll support me with whatever I decide, but I get the impression he'd rather I didn't tell them and he's not said why. My decision is pretty much made I'd say, but he still acts like it's not. I just want him to say - right - "let's think about how you're going to do this", rather than "it's your decision" etc. His partner has gone even further and basically said not to set a date, not to make it into an event, just live my life, do things with my GF, talk about her openly but not make a big announcement. In no way do I think that will a) work and b) make me feel any less stressed. I suppose it might save my parents some pain? I don't know.

They're 70 and 72. My brother coming out caused them a lot of pain that I think might have even continued to this day. They told me how difficult they found it. Can any good for them come out of me coming out? The only positive is that they can stop worrying that I'm on my own and will die a sad and lonely spinster!

 

Thank you Jim. Your post was exactly what I needed to hear.

I do have a tendency to guess what people are thinking! Having said that, I've just spoken to mum (General chat) and she's obviously very upset about my bro emigrating. Honest opinions (not me just looking for excuses!) is this the best time to tell her?

 

Well I thought I would come back on here (as an update for me rather than anything else) to say that I finally told my parents! Looking at the date of my first post on this thread, it took me nearly 2 years, but I did it. I can honestly say there were times that I thought I never would; that I would always find an excuse, tell myself it was for the best (for them!) that they would never know, but on Friday I did it.

It's been a long time coming, lots of ups and downs. A very supportive partner who could see how anxious and upset I got when even just contemplating it, so would change the subject and tell me not to think about it. We had a cycle of every 3 months or so saying "I need to tell them but I can't"...talk...anxiety...then forget it again!

I decided at the start of the year that my NYR for 2016 would be to tell them. Looking at dates and events happening this year, I told myself (and wrote it down as a committment!) that I would tell them by end of Feb. I went away for a night with my mum on Thursday last week and after a few drinks started telling myself that "tomorrow I'll tell her and my dad when he comes to pick her up". Now I've had these thoughts before; very concrete, very determined with some alcohol inside me...but by the next day I can talk myself out of it again. This time I got out my phone and wrote myself a note. It said:

Just do it Kat! Now is the time. Tell them and your life will be better. No more hiding. No more excuses. No more distancing yourself. Open, honest and happy. Just say the words and then it's done

The next morning I woke up and started the usual ritual of telling myself it wasn't the right time - but whenever I did, I got out the note and read it. Over and over. By 3pm when me, mum and dad were together, I was glued to my phone, reading the note. Deep breath..."I've got something to tell you..."

And it was fine. Mum reacted brilliantly, "nothing we can do, don't worry about it, I'm just glad you're happy and you're not on your own". Dad a bit more agitated (but still okay) - wondering what they have "done wrong". They left shortly after but with a hug and another "don't worry" from mum.

It will take them a bit of time...and me as well. The instant relief hasn't come for me; I've been elated, then fretting, then relaxed, then worrying. But every day I worry less. I can see a future where I have a good relationship with my parents, where I don't try to avoid them or make excuses why they can't stay over. I see them being happy that I have a life and a future and I'm not on my own. They will come to accept my partner and she will become part of their life too.

I've also realised that I think I had become resentful of my brother, illogically blaming him for being out when I wasn't, even though it was all my own chosing. Looking back now, he went through such a bad time and probably pathed the way for my positive reaction. I now feel that I'll regain my relationship with him as well.

I never thought I would do it and really, anyone reading this take heart that if I can, you can!

 

Thank you everyone . I can't stop thinking about it all - after all these years it feels kind of surreal that I've told them. Looking back, it wasn't even a huge build up to a date. I decided pretty much on the day that I definitely would do it and spent most of the day telling myself "you are going to tell them". Whenever a but thought came into my head I chased it away, whereas previously I would have let it win. I think the final straw was that I was going to tell them sooner or later, so just get it over with and all the angst about telling them would be gone!

I hope other people can also reach that point. The telling isn't as bad as I thought (I had an irrational fear that they wouldn't hear what I had said and I'd need to repeat it!) once I started speaking it all just fell out.