1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Secrets, lies and self acceptance

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ScaredyKat, Apr 3, 2014.

  1. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Ive been reading the forums here for a while now and have been overwhelmed by the stories I've read and the courage people show every day. I thought it was time that I finally wrote down my thoughts and feelings, with the hope that I will get the courage to finally stop hiding and live my life how I want it. It's a long story, it might well jump all over the place, I hope that you'll bare with me!

    So, I've basically been slowly creeping in and out of the closet for 25 years now and still haven't made it. It's tiring, it's stressful, but I sometimes feel it's become such a huge part of me (secretive and evasive, or as others see me, private and shy) that I almost don't know who I am any more.

    I'm 38 years old and have known since I was about 9 that I preferred girls to boys. At that age I thought I wanted to be a boy myself, until a few years later my brother told me he was gay and I realised that the whole fancying someone of the same sex thing didn't mean you needed to change gender!! And that's the first "issue" I have - that I use as an excuse, or that makes me feel scared - my brother is gay as well. Will come back to that a bit more later.

    So at 15 I told my best friend, at 16 my brother, then a few more friends until I went to university. When I was there, I like to think that I was fully out (I tell myself that often!), but looking back, I told close friends while other people who were more acquaintances, had no idea. I did the gay scene big style though! Was out every weekend with my two best (male) gay friends but in none of the three years did I ever have a GF. Even then, I would lie about my sexuality when directly asked, but I kind of kidded myself that I was out and loud and proud.

    After uni, I fully went back into the closet. Lived with housemates for years and never told them, didn't tell people at work. Never had a boyfriend, would tentatively look for female dates but never acted on them. I feel like I put my life on hold for years. Don't get me wrong, people liked me, I projected an image, was fun. People thought I loved the single lifestyle. You know the drill!

    During this 10 years or so, I did tell some people. Usually I was forced into it, but always felt better afterwards. That's the thing. The rational me knows it would be 100% better for me to be totally out and proud. That people wouldn't care (they never look shocked when I do tell them!), that life would go on as normal. But I just have a compete fear/anxiety about saying the words. I have crazy fear that the person won't hear what I say and I'll have to repeat it 3 or 4 times and will be embarrassed. Or that they'll get embarrassed and I don't want to put someone in that position. Or that I've left it too long to tell person x, y, z and they'll be disappointed that I've kept secrets for so long (so better keep the secret going....). All irrational. My latest fear is that behind my back, people might be saying "I wish she'd just come out, it's really sad that she feels she can't". I have no evidence that this is what people are saying - but I've convinced myself it's true.

    Back to my brother. While he is out and proud and civilly partnered, I'm still in the closet to my parents. It wasn't always like that though. He was pretty much outed to them and it was tough time. They used to confide in me how they really felt ..."it's hard when it's one of your own". When he announced he was getting married my dad refused to go. I had to convince him - all the while not being able to tell him about myself. It's been awful. And of course I've convinced myself that
    A) I can never tell my parents. It will kill them having both their only kids gay
    B) People will think me/the family a freak show. So I tend to hide that he is gay from people I intend to come out to.

    It's a mess.

    I have been lucky enough to have 2 relationships while all this is going on. One with someone who was also closeted. It lasted a couple of years but was such a strain. She's now living with someone else and completely out. And I've been dating my current girlfriend for a year. She's amazing and kind and supportive, but I'm so scared she'll get sick of this immaturity and cowardly behaviour. Because that's the other issue. While I'm scared and embarrassed about the thought of telling people, I'm also embarrassed and ashamed that I haven't yet! I feel stupid. Feel like I'm a failure and too old to be acting like this.

    The secrecy and avoidance has been going on so long it's become part of me. I'm not very open about *anything*. And I hate it. When people are having a laugh and joke at work about men and sex, I find somewhere else I need to be. When people ask what I've done at the weekend, I make it sound like I have no life at all "oh nothing much..." Even some of the interests I have I keep hidden from work colleagues (sports nut here!) in case they think I'm strange. And on the other hand, friends who I'm out to think that my family *do* know -and I don't put them straight on that.

    I know I've got to accept myself first and I always thought I had (it's been 25 years for gods sake!). But thinking things through recently I realise I haven't. A few years back I started looking at men and wondering if I could just try (I didn't!). I loved the thought of making my parents proud, going to family occasions with a husband, my mum being able to talk to her friends about me and my guy. I know even if (when!!) I come out, I won't have that.

    So, that's that. I'm scared of coming out to work colleagues even though I know they'll be absolutely fine. I'm absolutely petrified of coming out to my parents (imagine them asking how long people have known and I say 25 years!!!). I get anxious when meeting new people. And I'm also embarrassed that it's taken this long to face up to it. Gutted that I'm not comfortable with it yet. Ashamed that I'm hiding my partner away from some people (she's met my friends and brother...it's some work colleagues and mum and dad that she's hidden from). And I'm tired of thinking about it all. 25 years on and off. Which people have I told? Who knows what?

    So that's it. I've told myself that I want to come out this year. I need to work out how to do it. The first thing is being happy and proud of who I am. And less worried about what other people think of me. But all these conflicting emotions sometimes just seem too much.
     
    #1 ScaredyKat, Apr 3, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey ScaredyKat welcome to EC!

    I will make it my mission for you to get the Admins to change your username, because I don't believe that there isn't a way for you to live a life of integrity, openness and courage!

    There is a way, and that's called vulnerability.

    The closet and everything associated with it is dark, yes; it alters your personality, definitely...but it's oh so safe. It's that seduction of safely living your life with a deep, dark secret...it has a certain romantic ring to it, doesn't it?

    I trust that your girlfriend will be there for you when (yes when!) you come out this year...probably this Spring, right? :badgrin:

    She'll be there for you, your friends will be there for you, your brother will definitely be there for you...but I wonder, will YOU be there for you?

    Here some inspiration:

    [YOUTUBE]gOCNY9pJ850[/YOUTUBE]
     
    #2 greatwhale, Apr 3, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi and welcome to EC! I certainly hope you find the courage and acceptance that you need by hanging out here.

    I can certainly relate to much of what you're talking about. I've worked for the same large corporation for the past 14 years. The first 7 years I was married to a woman, had 2 little girls, and lived a pretty typical heterosexual life. That's how people knew me.

    But I was miserable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and towards the end being unfaithful - and hating myself for it. And then I was discovered by my wife, we separated, and I had to come to terms with my orientation (and addiction, and depression...) And what to do with my coworkers? They all knew me as straight! How embarassing. What would they think? Would they think that I had intentionall fooled my wife? How cruel of me! they would think. Didn't he know? What an idiot! they would think. Gay?!? That's gross! they would think.

    But in the end, I did eventually come out at work because I was sick of being secretive. Lying, for an addict, is a dangerous thing to keep doing - for any reason. So that's a big reason why I just decided that I had to overcome all those worries and concerns and just get it over with.

    So I did.

    And nothing happened. What people thought was really of no consequence. What they did mattered - and they didn't do anything. They accepted the news for what it was - and as it didn't affect me in my job (as a boss, peer, or employee) it didn't really matter to anyone. But it mattered to me - because now I'm able to talk about my husband and his kids, and what I did on the weekend, or where we have been on vacation...

    It really did require me to get over what other people were going to think - because no matter what I really can't control that anyway.

    Have you worked with a counsellor at all? It helped me deal with all this. That unbiased, professional opinion was really helpful. Because like you, I tended to build things up to be bigger than they really were - and my counsellor helped keep things in perspective.

    Welcome! And good luck!
     
  4. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thank you for the welcome (and the video!).

    I feel so churned up when I think someone might ask me something about relationships or even just what I'm doing this weekend. It's stupid. It's like I'm living in fear of someone guessing if I mention my partners name too often - but I'd quite like them to guess anyway to save the big coming out thing!

    I've always been way too worried about what people think...about anything! Even when I got a new car, I was worried in case "people will think I'm being flash". It's not even that flash in reality...but I'd have excuses lined up to explain my "flashy" behaviour...I do lots of miles, I need something comfortable. I'm aware of how ridiculous all this is! I drive myself insane with it.

    Its like I want to be Miss Average - how awful is that?!
     
  5. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey 'Kat,

    No worries (no really, no worries!)...

    I second Jim's suggestion that you get some kind of LGBT-knowledgeable, professional, and unbiased help, it really is about perspective and accurate assessments of what other people's reactions would be.

    I wish you all the best, we'll be here for you too!
     
  6. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Been reading lots of posts tonight, so many stories that I can relate to, it really is a help.

    But then I think about coming out to my parents and the feelings of anxiety and stress just come flooding back. I don't know if I can. Me and my partner have booked a holiday for a week in a couple of months....already wondering how to tell my parents about it without raising suspicion. But why would they be suspicious? And even if they were, wouldn't that help long term?

    I think I regress into a teenager when I think about my relationship with my parents
     
  7. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Then this is something that is worth exploring with a counselor, would you agree?
     
  8. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Yeah maybe. I haven't really considered it that much - will look into it. But no idea where to find one with experience of LGBT issues. In fact just the thought of it is making me a bit anxious!
     
  9. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm almost certain you can find something online for your location. Action, or the courage to take action, usually takes place when the status quo has become intolerable, is that the case for you?
     
  10. thrnvlpidj

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2014
    Messages:
    292
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Reading more of the posts here will help you find the courage to move forward with your own life.
     
  11. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Well I've been reading the posts on the forum and had really started to feel positive. But i feel like it's all getting on top of me again over the past couple of days. In general, I've been much less secretive with people...not coming out to work colleagues but talking about what I've been doing rather than just saying "nothing much" when asked, and telling my parents about a holiday I have booked with my partner (they think we're friends but even being open about the holiday is a small step for me). But the last couple of days I've started to feel down again.

    My parents came up to visit at the weekend which meant I didn't see my girlfriend. I feel guilty for hiding her away (although as I said, I've been talking about her more to them at least). She's spent the weekend with her family who are questioning why she hasn't met my mum and dad yet..to the point that she's telling little white lies to them. Which makes me feel even worse. I know inside that I'm going to push her away for the simple reason that I just can't see a way of ever telling my parents. I feel rubbish.

    The rational me knows what to do. But I look at my mum and dad and think they'll be so upset and hurt, I just can't do it.

    I'm scared I'm going to end up ruining my life because it's the easiest thing to do.
     
  12. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Spent a long time last night reading on here and other articles online and I think it's fair to say that my fear and my feelings are internalised homophobia. It makes me cringe writing that but it's true. I now need to figure out how to get through this.
     
  13. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Well, events have rather taken over and i have decided that I need to come out to my parents by end July latest. My brother has been applying for jobs overseas and today found out he has successfully got one of the posts he applied for. I'd said to myself that I need to tell my parents before he goes away (maybe deep down thinking it wouldn't happen!) and I still believe it's what I need to do. He will go in September, I want to tell them before so that he can support them with it. Or is that selfish? Maybe the additional stress of him moving to the other side of the world will be too much...? (Excuses already??)

    I have made a bit of progress. A couple of people at work were told by a friend of mine and afterwards I was very open and have found it's helped with my relationships with them. I'm not sure why she told them - it wasn't gossiping, just came up I think - and I've discovered I'm fine with people knowing; it's just saying those first words that I have a block with.

    Yesterday I personally told another friend at work. Got a bit embarrassed and blushed, but of course I knew he'd be fine with it as he's gay himself! Again, felt absolutely fine once that initial "I'm gay" bit was done. That's what I'm finding extremely stressful to think about when I imagine telling my parents.

    It's Father's Day next weekend so I can't do it then. The weekend after a family gathering so that wouldn't be the best timing either!! Ha! First weekend in July I'm busy. So I'm thinking 10th July or there abouts. I don't know whether having a date I can build up to in my mind is better or worse?? Any advice?
     
  14. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Having a definite, iron-clad, it's-going-to-happen-come-hell-or-high-water date on the calendar is absolutely the right way to go!

    I expect we will share some good news on that day! (*hug*)
     
  15. marriedover50

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2014
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Central Florida south of Disney
    I hear and understand your terror and your delay. You are well ahead of me. I am just recently out to myself after 53 years and out to a counselor. We are meeting each week and it has been very helpful. My goal is to be out by the end of the year. I have to secure a new job though because I will loss the job I have when i come out. So that is my goal, to secure a new job and then come out. I may be able to come out to my wife before that, but I am still weighing the pros and cons of that myself.

    Sounds to me like you have a good established support system, and yes, I would advise that you need to do it before your brother leaves. Your parents may be surprised after this time, but they seem supportive of your brother, right? Do you even have to tell them how long you have been with your gf right away? Maybe they won't ask that question.

    What are you worried about the most? What is the worst that can happen?
     
  16. Hyaline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2013
    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Bernardino, CA
    Sounds like you are making baby steps. I find at work, I don't say "I'm gay" because nobody cares. but if people ask me about my weekend, I tell them K (my partners name starts with K) and I worked in the yard on our house. Stuff like that... Oddly I've told quite a few people at work that way. Everyone just kept right on going with the conversation as if nothing happened. I work in a very accepting environment for the most part where nobody cares. But each person you tell makes it easier..

    As for your folks, I am totally with GreatWhale on this. Set a date and stick to it.. mail a letter, send an email, a text or some other note. Heck recruit your brother to be your support to help give you the courage to tell them. You're going to do great...
     
  17. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thank you for your replies :slight_smile: It really is appreciated. Think I'll need quite a bit of support over the next few weeks.

    I think I'm most worried about the disappointed/ashamed faces I'll be looking at. I know this will hurt them. They've struggled with my brother coming out and I just imagine they will feel like they've done something wrong. That people will judge THEM for having 2 gay kids (they have kept my brothers news from the rest of the family). I think they will be upset and hurt - and then they'll start questioning why I've kept it secret for so long. They won't disown me or anything, but I know even after all these years my dad struggles with my brother and will often avoid/feel uncomfortable with family get togethers.

    I can just see their faces now.

    Thanks for your reply. Hope you didn't mind me adding you as a contact, I saw you also have a gay brother, just wondered how your folks coped with that? Who came out first? That's one of the big things that scares the hell out of me telling my parents. Probably the worst thing to be honest.

    I think you're both right about the date and sticking to it. I feel like I can't send a letter/email though and should do it in person. But maybe that's just me being silly? I imagine with a letter they might read it then never actually bring it up!! We like brushing things under the carpet in this family!
     
  18. Vivi3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    ScaredyKat:

    I can understand exactly where you're coming from. I kept myself in the closet for many years in large part because I was afraid of what people would say, of disappointing my mother, of being spurned by family. And with each year that passed by, coming out seemed more and more onerous. The longer I lived as a married, hetero woman, the harder it was to break away from that. Would people think I was crazy? Would they wonder if I was unstable? How could I go from a hetero marriage to lesbian overnight???? What would people say?!?!?!?

    Then my mom died of brain cancer in less than ten months, the same year my dad died during surgery, and the same year I had to get heart valve replacement surgery.

    Let people talk! If they have nothing better to do than to talk about me, let them talk. Life is too short to care. Really. And, in the end, you will realize how little people will talk or care. If anything at all, I have been shocked by how nonchalantly my friends and family (most of whom live in Latin America, not a bastion of gay friendliness) have taken the news. And also shocked by how quickly they move onto a different subject. People will care for two minutes—and then they’ll want to talk about something else, namely their problems and their lives. And, take comfort in the fact that while people may talk about you behind your back, very soon somebody else will do something else to dethrone you as gossip topic #1.

    As for your parents, I agree that is tougher. I no longer have my parents, but I am very close to my uncle and aunt. And, it was hard telling them. They are right-wing conservatives and are not dealing very well with this. But, in the end, it is their problem. You can’t live for your parents, you just can’t. I know you don’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want to disappoint my family either. But, when do you get to start living?

    People keep writing on EC that it feels much better when you’re out. And, I thought for the longest time that was baloney, I had convinced myself that it would feel much worse. But they’re right: it feels so much better. I can finally be who I want to be. And that feels so good.

    Good luck!
     
  19. Hyaline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2013
    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Bernardino, CA
    Not at all. I was talking to my folks the other night about this actually. I came out in 1997 (or was it 1996, I have to do the math and its after midnight..)

    My brother has introduced us to his "partner", but never actually said "I'm gay". I mentioned this to my mom and dad the other night as being weird and they didn't understand. The problem is that I have been out for so long, that the family knows and nobody cares. So when my brother admitted it indirectly, he basically got the same treatment via proxy.

    I honestly think he is still at the self accepting stage. He hasn't said it out loud to himself, but because of circumstances, he is free to be himself. Keeping in mind that he spend the last few years being aloof and absent at holidays and such. He kept his home life hidden and we didn't understand why.... Now we do...

    Wow, I got distracted... Telling your folks will be tough. But ultimately, being honest about who you are is and should be your primary concern. The time will come to tell them (or maybe it won't). But don't let them knowing or not knowing hold you back. Once you are past that self accepting stage, it gets much easier.

    Send them an email....write it, polish it....then have a stiff drink and hit the send key....go to bed, let them digest it...and then wait for their call.. Due to me being an introvert, that is what I would do now.....
     
  20. ScaredyKat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2014
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thanks again for all your comments. My brother advised me today to just talk about my partner to my parents but not make a big deal of coming out. I don't think that's the way to go personally - I'd rather properly know that they know. Then I can talk about my partner openly. Sending an email I'm not sure about. My dad will read it first and knowing him he just won't mention it!!

    Sometimes I think my mum suspects, next minute I think she'd never put 2+2 together. Do you think they'd be more likely to suspect based on signs that are comparable with the way my brother acted? Or think there's no way we can both be gay?!

    Stressing about it which makes me want to avoid dealing with it!