Bisexuals and the LGBT Community

I like the cheekiness here. Those viewpoints are common.

The one that bugs me is "yep, got us another one" attitude of some, NOT ALL, Kinsey 6s who, for some reason, want to very badly include bisexuals in G and L numbers.

 

Our culture seems to get more binary by the minute, and the concept of subtlety and a continuum is lost on everyone. We're not allowed to consider ourselves "somewhat" anything, or else one side feels we are uncommitted and the other feels we are the enemy.

Politically, I'm far too conservative to be accepted by many liberals, but I have enough liberal attitudes to keep me from really feeling comfortable embracing a completely conservative philosophy. I'm part of an organized religion that I am very comfortable with personally, but I have a wide enough streak of skepticism that some might consider me borderline agnostic, and I am accepting enough of other beliefs that the diehards in my faith would consider me wishy-washy. I identify myself completely as gay and can't imagine a future with a woman, ever, but I've been married for 20 years, had straight sex for 15 of them without feeling even slightly repulsed by it, and although I have no emotional interest in women whatsoever and am physically totally turned on by guys, I don't consider a woman's body to be a total turn-off--just not what I want. So what am I?

I'd love to see people be able to describe themselves by describing themselves, rather than by using a series of checkboxes. We're all much more real, and more interesting, that way.

 

There are lesbians in the past that enjoyed sex with men their are also gay men that enjoyed sex with women and can't imagine doing it now or aren't turned on by the opposite sex what does that make you gay . Just because you enjoyed sex with the opposite sex in the pass doesn't make you less gay than some that never had sex with the opposite sex . Like you've stated you can't see yourself being with other woman in the future and like what you said before you aren't turned on by their bodies .
We live in a hetero normative society were we're taught from birth we can't be anything but straight so of course their are gonna be gays and lesbians that enjoyed having sex with the opposite sex in the past but that doesn't make them bi .
That's what you get when heterosexuaity is seen as the norm a lot of people not knowing their actually gay or lesbian . so this is not a surprise to me

 

It is very disheartening to see that kind of crap thrown around, especially in an lgBtq+ community such as here. One of my straight friends tried to tell me that I was just gay, that bisexuality wasn't a legitimate sexual orientation. I felt kind of hurt, because she's one of my best friends. I think I managed to prove to her that it's legit, but I'm not truly sure. And now I look around this site and see the same kinds of things on a site where we all supposedly share the "common bond" of being non-normative. It really does hurt, and I don't know why the mono-sexual people who say that feel the way they do. I saw this quote in another thread on a similar topic:

I think that's the best description of bisexual I've seen anywhere.

 

You'd think our community would know better than anyone that discrimination and marginalisation is neither big nor clever.

 

LGBT kingdom? What is this? La la land? What a waste of time. We should focus on promoting acceptance and dispelling myths. That was a terrible opportunity for people to express hate! That description paints a most deplorable picture in my mind. I don't even know where to begin. We're all individuals and what a boring world it'd be full of clones. I know people can't always get along, but would it kill some people to drop the sensationalism? I ain't directing this at anyone on EC, it's just I've thought about this in my head to an insane degree. Human greed. Human ignorance. Rargh! Let's just ignore that the real problem is people and not sexualities and/or identities? I don't think so! I can think for myself. No matter how much the media tries to 'dumb' me down.

 

I think the media as done a lot of damage to bisexuals

 

Any hate towards bisexuals is just stemmed from ignorance and misconceptions about them, just like it is with any sexuality (except with heterosexuality. The only hate they would face over their sexuality, is if someone was ignorant enough to think that every heterosexual person is a homophobic bigot, which not all of them are thankfully). Unfortunately, bisexuals usually have it the worst which just seems stupid to me.

 

The issues depicted in this topic are the reason why I am afraid to come out. I am afraid I'll be called an attention whore or just "with one foot in the closet".

Or even worse, being told that bisexuality does not exist at all. It makes me want to puke. Luckily not everyone is that ignorant.

 

I wonder how us bisexuals go about finding people interested in a same sex relationship. From these posts it sounds like a majority of lesbian or gay individuals are not interested in considering a relationship with a bisexual person, but other bisexuals are either not out or are a extreme minority within the community. How do you find someone to love? It seems like it would be easier to be gay or lesbian than to be bisexual when it comes to finding a relationship.

It also sounds like bisexuals whose same sex relationships take a more serious turn have problems with getting dumped due to fear. Honestly, although I'm a very sexual person by nature, I'm not looking to go around hooking up with a bunch of different women. I would be looking for a committed relationship and the idea of being dumped because she was afraid I'd leave her for a man, or that I'd cheat on her with a man, is not appealing. On the flip side, I know bisexuals in hetero relationships get dumped for the opposite reasons, some guys will be afraid I'll leave him for a girl, or cheat on him with a girl.

How depressing!

 

Media sucks that way. I can't think of a single bisexual character who isn't portrayed as a complete & utter horndog/slut. Take, for example, Jack Harkness in Torchwood (yup, Who-nerd in the house!!). He flirts shamelessly with pretty much anyone sentient and of legal age, it's widely stated throughout canon that he will "dance" with anyone meeting those requirements, and even though he's in a relationship with another male character during most of Torchwood, he is constantly flirting with others, and very heavily with one of the female characters in particular. Nothing ever happens there, but the sexual tension is so thick you can smell it.

It's sad, because I actually love the character and I can see why he is that way. The man is the next thing to immortal (he does eventually die of EXTREME old age), and everyone he becomes involved with is mortal. Everyone he loves will eventually grow old and die and leave him heartbroken again, so he rarely allows himself to get beyond the FWB stage. It hurts too much.

I get that and appreciate it in the character, but a lot of people don't think that far. They just go "oh, there's another typical slutty horndog bi".

This bi lady? Happily married to the same man for 8 years this summer. Quite satisfied, thanks.

 

I dont like discrimination of any kind or bigotry of any kind,
doesnt matter the source
if your gay or straight and you discriminate against Bis your as bad as Conservatives who bash the lgbt community.
i cant stand bigotry, stereotyping, or discrimination, I refuse to associate with any one who is that close minded.

 

I sort of got that feeling when I admitted to my friends that I'd slept with my guy friend. One of my friends said, "Ewww, how could you?" Another one was supportive, but only because she thought my distress was feeling like I'd done something unpleasant or wrong. When she found out I didn't feel that way, she was less understanding. When someone asked the first one what her problem was with bisexuals, she said that she had more respect for straight people, that they at least knew what side they were on. I never realized who you chose to love was like some kind of team sport.

That is exactly what my guy was afraid of when we first started dating, because he'd known me for 4 years, and knew I'd only been in same sex relationships. He had only recently got out of a bad relationship, and didn't want to get into hurt again. To be honest, I didn't know myself how I'd feel, because even though I loved him I still had some physical desire for women. I didn't understand bisexuality or demisexuality. The thing is, I had a little physical desire for other women when I was living with my former same sex partner, and neither of use cheated on each other. We had 7 wonderful years together.

It's no different for my straight guy, if he sees a good looking woman, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on me with her. I suppose it'd be different if our needs weren't met, but they are. I don't forsee my current relationship ending, (but then I never thought the previous one would end either ) but if it does, and I go back to dating women, I'm not going to leave someone I love to be with a guy, or another woman either. For me at least, sex is something to have within a relationship. If someone is going to hold it against me that I loved a guy one time in my life, I don't think that's the type of person I'd want to be in a relationship with anyway.

 

Not all lesbians are like that same way not all bisexual are not I think this is why some bisexuals prefer to identify as gay or lesbian because we lesbians would not worry
about that . I'm not scared that a bisexual woman would leave me for a man it's more like I 'm scared I'd pick the wrong type of bisexual. I've even heard of bisexual women that were married to lesbians and had kids . I've even heard bisexuals being faithful to other bisexuals so I know their out there . The problem for me is there are real bisexuals out there and fakes and when I say fakes I mean the woman who is curious or just wants to try out women for fun tells me she's bisexual but she turns out not to be and after she has her fun with me she leaves me . I know a bisexual that follows the bisexual stereotype to a Tee . Do I think all bisexuals are like this No . As a lesbian I have to search really hard to find the real bisexual and avoid the bi curious girl , the stereotypical bisexual and the chick who thinks it's trendy to be bi . It's hard when you have to avoid so many road blocks Plus how do you know which is which when there are so many people pretending to bi because they think it's cool , or lying to you and telling you their bi then sleeping with you and leaving you like yesterdays trash . It's pretty damn hard so some lesbians would prefer dating other lesbians because we want to avoid that headache . I will admit I'm scared that i might not be good enough for her sometimes but If I do meet a girl that's bi and she likes me I will not reject her because of it If I do that I could be limiting a possible soul mate or great lover . I think the best thing for me to do is maybe get to know her and not jump into bed with her too quick to be on the safe side . The weird thing is I'm sometimes scared to date bi girls but when I meet a bi girl I like which has happened my fear vanishes if that makes sense , I think wow I really like this girl and want to have a relationship with her . I've dated a few bisexuals and i didn't have good relationships with them they were all bad but I don't think all bisexuals are bad I just picked the wrong people to be with they just happened to be bi . I've met a lesbian who was my girlfriend who was far worse than any of those bi girls I've dated she lied a lot , she was slutty and a huge commitment phobe just plain terrible . One day she told me she wanted to break up and you know what she had the nerve to tell me ? she never loved me at all and at the end of saying all that she said "Can we still be friends ? " Really ! worse lover ever . I'd rather have a woman leave me for a man than have one tell me she never loved me at least the bisexuals girls I was with actually did like me at one point . Only one of the bi girls left me for a man the other two had boyfriends and one was engaged . I don't think these girls stand for all the bi girls in the world I really think I'm just a bad picker and I need to learn to pick better women to be my girlfriend .
Right now I'm crushing hard on a bi girl so I guess even though I fear them I still can't keep myself from liking them . I don't want a relationship with her but just sex she's more like the negative bisexual stereotype but I still like her but I think if I were to date a bi woman I would avoid those types . I think although I've never slept with another woman the best thing i can do for myself is wait a while before having sex and keep my panties on.

 

I hear you. As for the continuum and check boxes, both apply. If a person is kind and considerate, that is, by nature, on some sort of continuum because that's hard to quantify. If a person's parents and all their ancestors are from Norway, then they're Norwegian, and can check a box.

I'm too conservative for some and too liberal for others. I'm too conventional for some and too quirky for others. I identify with a religion yet have views which indicate less than 100% buy-in and therefore don't partake. As for men and women, that one's tricky. I used to have more opportunities to date women and did so. What I didn't like is paying for a fancy dinner and a movie to get nothing (ever, that is) and "I only like you as a friend" ... or having to swat off others who didn't understand the meaning of no. With guys, a fancy dinner and a movie is not required. But it's way more complicated than just that, so I won't go on.

So, I believe in check boxes where they are applicable and more complete verbal explanations where they are applicable. However, it seems that, in a world bent on understanding through labels, and sometimes it IS efficient, others are insistent on them when it comes to one's sexuality as well. And, for many people, bisexual, which is indeed a label, is not even a valid label. Oh, well, you can't please everyone, so please yourself and, as one college friend put it, "You have to be your own best friend."

 

I agree with you on two things:

1. Not all monos are like that and this doesn't necessarily make it any easier for us to find a relationship(obviously varies).

2. You raise up a potential scenario that I too worry about. The 'bi-curious' and, to add onto that, the closeted bisexual(though, funnily enough, some guys can play the pseudo-bi as well).

Whenever I start dating, I don't see myself having an issue dating an openly bi guy when it comes down to it in general. My issue would be running into a bi-curious guy(who could potentially confirm his identity if he likes me) or closet bi guy.

The ironic thing is, since I'm still closeted and am unsure when that will change, I'd find it more suiting that they be closeted as well, with my current mindset. It's a catch 22 in that situation. On one hand, I wouldn't have the pressure of feeling like I am holding them back by not being ready to be open(something I could see being an issue with an open guy, multi or mono). On the other, should it become too much for them and they are ready to dip out on the 'homo side' and run back over to the 'hetero side', which they'd still have and especially if we made a connection otherwise, that would suck big time obviously and I'd be next to powerless because of that.

Why would I be powerless you ask? I'm the kind of the guy that, should I end up in that kind of situation where they'd leave me/cheat with a woman, I couldn't bring it to myself to call them out on it if I see it's 'making things easier'/happier for them(which I could see happening; thank you pessimistic optimism...). You could argue that I would have every right to be upset and call them out on it, but it wouldn't be me to want to break up something like that or otherwise 'out them', even if the situation did me damage as it would.

 

I wouldn't call them out either but I would be upset . I use to thing most bi girls would end up with a man because it was the easy route for a better life so I didn't think of them much as long term partners in the past . But I don't think it's the sexuality that's the problem it's the individuals . I'm much more open minded to bisexual women now but it's just I'm still scared
I've been even told by a few homophobic straight guys that bi girls like men more than women and we're just play things to them and it's only sexual and never emotional . Most of my life I here my parents saying stuff about how all women need is a good penis and can't live without men . Those words can be very damaging to many lesbians because we feel we're not good enough and maybe what people said we're true .

 

I know what you mean. When it comes to finding a meaningful relationship (same sex or hetero) my hypersexuality tends to cause me problems. If I'm crushing on someone and am around them I become highly aroused and have difficulty not giving in to my sexual desires and the relationship ends up based on sex, which isn't good for long term success. But even though l'm hypersexual, I'm not promiscuous, and I'm monogamous, whether it's a committed relationship or a long term fwb situation (I don't do one night stands, no emotional connection = crappy sex, I'm better off with my toys! :icon_wink). I've been trying to start out slower but although I don't dress provocatively, don't know how to flirt, and don't act overtly sexual, if someone asks me a sex related question I can't help but answer honestly and frankly which seems to give people the idea that l'm looking for sex, not an actual relationship. I want someone to love, to spend my life with, and to have great, loving, passionate sex with. The idea of spending the rest of my life making do with a series of fwb without real love is terrifying.

 

Yes it is I worry I might sleep with a girl too soon . I think spending your life with a series of fwb without real love is terrifying and sad . I wouldn't want to do that either .
I 'm wondering how to find bisexuals like you other there who want monogamous relationships . so far I also came up with avoid girls with boyfriends and husbands big red flag . I'm still working on my list , I'm also worried about dating bi girls on online dating sites but i'm not ruling them out as potential mates

 

This thread has been enlightening; thanks to all posters.

When I grow up I want to be bisexual.