I came out to the ex...finally.

I was told by a psychologist that kids should be told this kind of information between the ages of 7 and 12. (I think that was called the latency stage, but not sure.) At this age they are old enough to understand about relationships (man and man, man and woman, woman and woman) but young enough that they are still taking their moral cues from their parents. (This may or may not be a good thing in your case...)

If you wait, then you risk them developing a negative outlook on homosexuality based on what their peer group thinks of it.

Other reasons? Well, the most obvious is that you want to have an open, honest and authentic relationship with your kids. Why shouldn't you be allowed to do that?

Remember that telling your kids doesn't mean that they need to in turn tell anyone. The way we put it, they didn't need to keep it a secret on my behalf, but they were also entitled to their own privacy. They didn't need to tell people at school if they didn't want to. In the end, they did, and it was fine. I would think being in Montreal it would be fine as well. But it can be their decision as to whether they share this news with anyone.

The other place that they might be getting a negative vibe from is church. When our church board fired me as the treasurer because I was a 'practicing' homosexual we left and never came back. (And my wife made a very public announcement / condemnation about it as well before the service one Sunday - without the kids present - that made it clear why we wouldn't be returning.) The sooner they get the other side of the story (i.e. their own dad is gay, and he's OK) the better.

Those are my thoughts. Others might also have some reasons.

 

Amazing how fast she can move on something like this after dragging that divorce out so long...

 

As I said before, I guess I feel this is your news and your timeline is all that matters. Although practically, given that you are stuck dealing with your ex for a few years yet...

A big factor is simply this: you are now free to pursue a new relationship, and that new relationship will be with a man. It is probably best for your children to know this ASAP. Admittedly, I suppose it could wait until you have a relationship, but why not just do it now, and get it taken care of?

Point #2: waiting too long to tell might result in hurt feelings. As I recall, your oldest child is roughly high school age. Putting myself in that position, I know I'd be hurt if I learned I was the last to learn, and that I learned a long time after everyone else in my father's life had learned. (For this reason, if your wife manages to get her way on this, you might consider having something on paper, at least an informal letter. That way, you can counteract any things of hurt. You could also counteract your wife if she later on decides to take the "he should have told you sooner! He's a horrible father, and you really shouldn't have to deal with him!")

Point #3: ages of the kids may need to be taken into consideration. But there is no reason why the oldest can't be told. Anyone in high school today is well aware that there are gay people out there. It'll quite likely be a total non-issue, actually. I don't recall how young the youngest is, but even elementary school kids can handle an explanation along the lines of "well, when I get married again, it will be to a man." Or something like that.

 

GreatWhale, there is so much wisdom and insight in your posts. Please keep them coming, as you have a very keen way of cutting through the crap and doing so in a loving and gentle manner. Somewhere, there's a very lucky man waiting for you.

 

I think 11 is old enough to be told something. The reality is: he might well have a reasonably good understanding of what gay means, unlike my generation that only understood enough (AFAIK) to know that gay was something guys didn't want to be, and therefore used that label as an insult.

Of course, if he is having issues of some sort, that might take priority. BUT in this case, he should be in therapy of some sort. And at that point, I think it's entirely reasonable for you to have a meeting with the therapist, during which you could tell him or her that you are gay, and that this is something that will need to be dealt with sooner or later.

Although, honestly, I am guessing that none of this is about the children's welfare. It's all about your wife being hateful.

 

Congratulations on another milestone Great whale. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled everything. I'm sure you will handle telling the kids with the same grace.

Good luck

 

One thing to think about... Because of the range of ages, and the therapy for the youngest, coming out to all at once may not be the best idea. Perhaps get the youngest into therapy, and have that discussion with the therapist, and take it from there.

The oldest could be told now, but told that until it's not news to reach the youngest for the moment, and explain why.

Of course, my view may have limited value, since I've never been married, and never had children. Well, no children but myself, the one who refuses to grow up. But that's another story...

 

I guess that is a good point.

Of course, you could be evil, and tell the 2 oldest individually in such a way that each thinks he or she is the only one who has been told.:badgrin:

 

I think that is wise, that all the kids find out at the same time. That way the older two don't carry around the burden of a secret, which could accidentally spill anyway, which would really hurt the eleven year old that he wasn't included in on the information.

I agree with some of the other posts, I do think that 11 is old enough to understand and accept it just fine. To tell you the truth, 11 is a lot older in today's generation than when we were kids....

 

On a more serious note...

If your youngest is having issues that require therapy, that should start ASAP.

And I think you should make it very clear that the coming out needs to happen ASAP after that therapy begins. Your ex wife has dragged this divorce out longer than it should have gone. No one was served by that, except, of course, her lawyer. I don't think it's reasonable to ask you to wait another five years to get this over with. You have a right to start moving towards what's next now that you are fully free of this marriage.

One other thought: coming out ASAP will totally eliminate any chance of one of your children accidentally finding out. Being told is a lot kinder than, say, your oldest child going on a date to a restaurant, and seeing Dad with a guy who is clearly not an associate from work...

 

Holy cow, Mr. Whale! This all sounds incredibly positive and hopeful (I mean, aside from her being a bitch an' all *snerk*).

On the one hand, no, she *should* get no real say in when/how you come out to the kids...it *is* your information. On the other hand, she is one of their parents...and more relevantly, this has now become her information (that is to say information that she now knows), and she spends a lot of time with the kids. So in a sense, she really does have ultimate veto authority and ability to undermine any decision made. Therefore, I think what you're doing, trying to work things out with her therapist, makes *perfect* sense...if the approach devised has *her* buy-in, then to whatever extent she may want to find a dig-the-knife way to bring this up, she may be tempted to think twice or more before acting.

Good luck with everything!!

 

Yes. And that accidental meeting could happen even without your son frequenting the plateau. It's sort of a cosmic sense of humor, I think, to arrange accidental meetings like your son seeing you on a date with another man...

 

Proud of you gw! (*hug*)