Not feeling 'gay enough' right now.

Here's the thing about that whole stereotype.

For some people, that's just who they are. Go to any number of 'straight' events you'll find people half naked, wearing stupid clothes, acting slutty or whatever.

Think of it like this; you go to any random nightclub on a normal night and you'll see people dressed normally, some dress smart, basically people want to look good. They dance, they drink, usually the half-naked people get thrown out.

Now go to that same club on say, 'foam party' night or any random rave. Suddenly everything is different.

So why is it when we think of 'straight' gatherings, we don't think of half naked soapy people? Because we have less exposure to it.

Now think how many times you've seen the words 'gay night' thrown around and suddenly you've got leather and skin and a man in a cage. It's like that because some people enjoy that, heck half of those things are attended by straight people anyway.

You don't have to 'get used to it', you don't have to have anything to do with it at all if it's not your thing!

 

I've never been to any social lgbt event, only to a lesbian party at a club, and i didn't really feel like part of it...
I do feel comfortable around the few queer people i know, but most of the times i don't know how to react when put in the lgbt world, even if it's the online world...

 

There are plenty of gay people who aren't into that scene, myself included. It may make it a bit harder to find events at which you can meet people, but it certainly doesn't invalidate your gayness.

 

you don't have to be a certain way!! i know a gay friend who is more masculine than anyone and then there is a bisexual one who is more femme than like all my female friends XD

I know people stereotype gay people but its only a stereotype!! you belong with any other person!! ^o^

 

That's not the gay scene or gay culture necessarily, that's the fringe edge of club culture, you just happen to have found one that caters to gay people!

It's probably also worth remembering that if you are going to look for activities catering to a certain sexual orientation that you should probably expect 'sex' (or at the very least the closest you can legally get in public) to feature quite heavily.

You see more gay dance clubs and than gay book clubs because the former is going to focus on the kind of things that go on in clubs, tailor it to gay people and MOST of the people interested are going to be gay, not all the most. Whereas the latter, you don't NEED to be gay to be interested in books with LGBT themes.

Perhaps the problem is that you are looking to fit in to with a set of activities you wouldn't be comfortable with anyway...

 

It's just stereotypes. You would be perfectly gay, I don't fit in with any stereotypes at all. I don't go around wearing rainbow everything, and I'm not feminine but I'm not exactly masculine either. The only reason people at school think I'm gay is because I'm unpopular, and I really hate that reasoning.

 

Hey, its only a stereotype. I am gay, VERY gay, but you wouldn't know unless you asked. I just wear a nice polo, tshirt or button up with good looking jeans. Sometimes a hoodie. I also don't have the "gay voice" that some do. I have a semi deep voice and nobody knew I was gay but a few.

 

I get that you feel the need to connect with other gay people... But do you really want to connect with people who walk around half-naked save for 2% of a cow's worth of leather used to cover strategic areas? I can't blame you for feeling awkward, I would feel the same.

Can you look for venues where alcohol is not the center of attention? Like discussion/support groups? Without alcohol, people generally behave more acceptably.

Whatever you do, stay yourself.

 

I greatly sympathize with you as I am in the same position. I am not really out and while I want to acknowledge my gay identity more, I know with great certainty that I do not belong or fit into the "gay mainstream". It is very intimidating. Logically I know that there are others in this position but there is no network, no means of connecting. I give you credit for going to an LGBT event. I am too afraid to do so. Myself, I watch gay youtube channels and listen to LGBT podcasts. It doesn't resolve any issues but I think it help temporarily.

 

Most of the gay people I know are pretty indistinguishable from the straight people I know. Eventually you'll find a group of people you are comfortable with - don't fret too much about the stereotypes.

 

Yeah, I would like to connect with other LGBT people who aren't stereotypical but I don't know where to go.

If I were to come out I would probably avoid gay clubs but I may not be able to socialise with LGBT people and meet someone. However I may be stereotyping gay clubs as well.

 

As other folks have all said above, it's really difficult to feel okay being yourself when you're constantly presented with images of people who you don't identify with. A longtime friend of my parents who's been in a relationship for nearly forty years (and just got married this fall, post prop8 stuff) wrote an email recently, and I'd like to quote a little bit of it for you.

He wrote, "I still reject the term 'gay community,' because there is no such thing, any more than there is a 'white community.' We don’t choose our friends based on their sexual orientation; in fact, most of our friends are straight, and we all like each other for reasons that have nothing to do with our sexual orientation."

At some point in my early teenage years I had unquestioningly accepted that there was a "gay community," and I think that idea was something that kept me from accepting that I was gay for nearly a decade. Granted, I'm still not out to most people in my community, which is pretty rural and not exactly progressive.

I have no idea about how to connect with other gay people, as I'm pretty new to this myself. In some ways, it's a catch-22: how do you find someone who's gay if they don't speak/act/dress in ways that stereotypically classify them as gay? The few people I've told have been surprised to learn that I'm gay, but I think that kind of visibility (being out and comfortable with your sexual orientation) is really important. You can be athletic, you can be masculine, you can be bad at dancing, you can have no fashion sense, you can not be into clubbing, you can not be into casual sex. Or you can be all of those things. You don't need to be any particular way.

Sorry for this novel of a post, but it struck me really close to home. I'd be happy to talk to you more about it and hear what your experience with this kind of stuff is.


Dan

 

Yeah I'm not totally stereotype gay but if I was out I would probably act a little like it but I don't like the whole 'almost naked in leather' thing. Also I don't where all bright rainbow colors. Usually my clothes are dark. So I get where your coming from with the not knowing where u fit in.

 

It's not the "gay culture" as much as it's the "men culture". Being gay is just an enabler in that regard. Men are very visual creatures, and seeing a toned man in tight underwear is really hot

What you see with the existence of gay clubs or bars and whatnot is simply a way for a community to create safe areas for LGBT folks to be themselves. Of course it's limited to what such area can offer and so some groups may feel like they don't "fit", which is to be expected. Today however, there are great ways to meet like-minded groups thanks to the power of the internet. Websites like MeetUps allows people to create such groups and allow for people to join in and participate when activities are decided at certain location. There are also Facebook groups that represents various groups amongst the LGBT community (for example I'm a member of a few geek-themed gay-oriented groups). You only need to learn where to look and ask the right questions.

 

you don't got to fit in the stereotypes to be gay. i don't even fit the stereotypes in the slightest haha, doesn't mean i'm gonna go with a chick. just be yourself dude.

 

Yeah I can relate - I also feel like somewhat of an outsider whenever I am at these events. To me it seems as though there is a lot more homogeneity in personalities in the gay community than in the straight community - such that when I am at a gay specific event everyone I meet seems fairly similar in how they act, dress, speak, what they are looking for, but whenever I am at any other non gay themed event, there seems to be a lot more variety in the different sorts of people there. I know this probably isn't quite true, but I can only speak from my own experiences and perspective.

And like the poster, I would also like to feel closer to the gay community, but it is hard when I don't actually connect very much with the people I am trying to connect with.