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Gender expression and attraction

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by notaprincess06, Mar 4, 2014.

  1. notaprincess06

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    Hello everyone!

    First of all, I want to apologize if I opened this thread in the wrong section but I was not exactly sure where it fit best so I bit the bullet and just wrote here!

    I have a problem(well ok, my whole life is a big problem I guess). I was born biologically a woman. I am not fully a woman, I don't feel like one, never did. There is a big part of me that feels like a man. I dress in men's clothes and always have, I can't stand the thought of dressing in women's clothing, partly because I really have no natural taste for them and partly because my masculinity needs to be expressed and to me it would feel like crossdressing. My demeanor/attitude is rather manly, I sit like a man, I talk like a man(my voice itself isn't manly, that's not what I meant), my hobbies are more stereotypically male(although I prefer not to use this as an example because I think that hobbies are stupidly categorized as being manly or feminine, there should be no such thing) ,my haircut is manly.

    But I am not fully male, I never felt a need to change my body. Sure, sometimes I wish I could experience what it is like to have the male anatomy but that is a curiosity not a need. I also never felt like I wanted people to call me by male pronouns. I feel more like a man but I don't feel entirely like a man or not at all a woman.

    There is one part of me that I always felt as profoundly female : my sexuality. Never in my life have I regarded myself or felt as anything but a heterosexual woman. I feel attracted to men and I wish/feel a need to be found attractive in the body that I have, to be made love to in this body. That's how I always perceived myself, always fantasized, always felt. I tried long and hard to turn it on every side, to make sure I'm not wrong but I never felt anything to suggest that I would want to be with a man while possessing a male anatomy or being thought of as one.

    I am writing this here now because I am out of hope about something and I don't know where to find any , there is nothing and no one to offer any hope or any support and I feel completely lost.

    The problem is that no man has ever been attracted to me. I am going to be 27 in June and no one ever looked at me ,flirted or shown any interest. I was of course very unfortunately in love 3 times with men I could not have and that also left its scars on top of everything, but I am yet to know the feeling of a kiss or a touch or even a suggestive smile.

    This hurts me very much, it always did and it only keeps intensifying. As someone who is non binary, I of course never felt represented. I live in Romania and while we are in Europe and in the EU, being a former communist country means we are not yet on par with other countries in the West when it comes to acceptance ,homophobia and sexism. Sexism makes it so that I feel even less represented than I would in a west European country for ex. The standard for female beauty here and the way women are treated is much more narrow and the tabloid industry and generally most media, portrays women mostly in relation to how they look and most "celebrities" are overly feminine, skimpy dressed women wearing a lot of make up. There's plenty of men, judging by popular general matters forums and according to my therapist, who don't even really know what a woman is like without make up, who associate make up with being well groomed and presentable, who have ideas in their minds about what an attractive woman is that I am so far from it is unreal.

    That was maybe boring and a little off topic but I wanted to emphasize on how little representation someone like me can find here. Also in my life, I have never personally seen or heard of no one like me, I don't even know or see women who dress almost as masculine as I do. On top of that, you can't really talk to people about such things, even if they tolerate and accept you, they're not educated about it and they don't care. My own mother doesn't really get it although she accepts me. I am pretty sure she thinks I dress this way because I am stubborn and because I have some disorder that I don't want to fix.

    I also don't have a support group, I have no group of friends. I was always borderline introverted and over the years developed a slight social anxiety. Growing up, during all of my teen years, I was also fat, not in obese territory but definitely fat ,which of course just gave the world more ammunition and was one more thing that made me "ugly", another thing to change. So I spent most of my time alone, rarely if ever went out. At school I was never really in with anyone apart from my deskmate. I was in fact always perceived as a friendly, trustworthy, funny person but somehow never interesting enough to become actual friends with my other colleagues. The same happened in university and then it was a little better during the Masters because I actually did make a friend...she's living abroad now though. I do have another friend, the one and only friend I hang out regularly but that's it and she always seems quite unable to focus on my problem when I want to talk so... I feel completely alone.

    I don't know what to do! There is a huge need inside me that causes me big pain, a need for touch, for intimacy, to connect and also in part to belong. Never in my life have I experienced anything beyond my mother's embrace and I haven't had a close relationship with a man since my grandfather died when I was 12 and then my dad died when I was 14, but he wasn't around that much anyway. I've been through unrequited love, through all the confusion and the loneliness that comes with being non-binary, through depression, through everything alone with no comfort and nothing to suggest it could ever change. The world around me doesn't give me any signals or examples that someone like me can be attractive and desired for exactly who I am and how I look, I've never seen anyone like me be in the "role" of the attractive one or be at all and my personal experience also offers nothing.

    Personally, I want to stress out that I don't perceive myself as ugly or abnormal or unlovable. I appreciate and like who I am, I always did and when I lost weight I learned to appreciate the way my body looks as well. The problem is that I cannot help but feel that what I believe about myself is not what anyone else believes. There was nothing to ever suggest that men, let alone someone I like, could ever see my beauty, see something sexy ,appealing, perceive me as a potential partner. I feel that the expression of my gender puts them off at first impression, I don't get past that initial, basic step. I can't be what I am not and I don't want to be either so I can't be more feminine, I can't be more of a woman than I am but I know that I am woman enough. Everyone wants and needs to be loved for who they are, physically and emotionally and I do too. It's dehumanizing for me that in a world where most people by my age have found at least a couple of people attracted to them, that despite being open and liberal about sex and relationships, no one has even looked at me. Now I feel at a total disadvantage also because I feel that if men can't find someone like me attractive due to my clothes and attitude, then I should compensate but I can't because I have no experience and the world has never provided me with any tools to even give me hope. I've gotten to the point where I feel like a piece of garbage whenever I see an attractive man and not because I think of myself as such but because I have nothing to suggest he could see me differently.

    I also have this totally consuming fear that I will just die without ever knowing any warmth, any love, any touch, any of these things I need the most and I'll never feel fully part of this world. I really don't know what to do, where to go to, if there's even any chance for me and there's no support. Is it even possible for men to feel anything towards someone like me?

    I want to mention that I am going to a therapist, I've been going for almost 5 years and while he's helped with lots of things and figuring out who I am, this problem he can't seem to be able to help with.

    If you got to the end, thank you for reading, I am sorry if at times I was not very coherent and I am sorry for the length!
     
  2. Miiaaaaa

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    Firstly, I refuse to believe that NO man is/has been attracted to you! I'm sure you're stunning. :slight_smile:
    I'm confident that you'll find someone eventually. But maybe try and put yourself out there a little more? Have you considered online dating? :slight_smile:

    Also, it sounds like you identify as a man, but have no desire to transition, which is completely fine. If you like your body now, great! If you want to wear male clothes and act male, go for it. Do what makes you happy. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Miiaaaaa, Mar 4, 2014
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  3. Aurora63368

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    I've felt the same way in reverse. As far as your lets call it gender confusion no one is 100% male or female, that on a spectrum and everyone falls some where on it. You just sound like your some where in the middle. I've never been to Romania but here in the Midwest in the US there are a ton of women that have way more masculine traits then the a-typical female. I know it's normal to wonder what it's like to be the other sex.

    As far as the other stuff, I'm sure someone has found you attractive. There is a type for everyone. The fact that you've been in 3 relationships says your not undesirable, A lot of chubby people feel that way, me being one of them. I have plenty of friends who hate dating barbie doll girls, they are to much work, cost way to much money, and a lot of the times when you get past the surface there isn't much there. Your not alone, as far as getting help with this I know there are tons people on here that will listen. We may not be next to you but we want to help.
     
  4. notaprincess06

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    Well, you can actually believe it because I can tell you with 100% certainty that no man has ever been attracted to me! It's hard to imagine such a thing being possible in today's world and without being some sort of monster, but here I am, one of the very few people of this world who have never been anyone's type.

    I have tried making an online dating profile on a big site. I've had it for over half a year now. Never once did I get any message from anyone remotely interesting. In fact, the only few messages I got were from obvious trolls/creepers. The only legit messages I got made me delete the only picture I had put up because both these messages were only sent by these two guys ,to let me know that a)I look like a boy in the picture so I should change it cause it's not attractive or b)to let my hair grow because I look like a boy and it's unattractive. That left me in tears and after I got the second message I deleted the picture.
    I don't know what do to, I try to think all the time but I don't know. Since I don't have a group of friend or anyone to offer me any support or help me meet new people, I don't know where to go and what to do. And this online dating thing seems to not be working because of the same reason I never attracted anyone ever, the very first physical impression. I don't want to die like this!

    I am absolutely gutted and hopeless really, I need some support and help because I have nothing and nothing to give me hope! I was never really happy in my life, ever, I never felt I mattered to others, I never felt part of the world and I never felt the warmth of intimate touch, of being with someone. I can't live with everything, it's all just scars with no light at the end of the tunnel, with no relief from this pain that isn't "just" depression or depression based, it's in my soul and all in me screams ,it begs for a bit of comfort, for touch but I seem to have no way of ever getting that.

    I feel like a man in certain aspects but like a heterosexual woman at the same time. I don't "want" to act like a male or "be" male, I just can't help having this male demeanor and need to wear men's clothing , I can't help my male side. In a way I wish I could because I feel there's no way to win ,there's no way for anyone to love me as I am, with both my sides.

    Oh I have NEVER been in a relationship! What I wrote was that I was in love with 3 men who didn't feel attracted to me in the slightest. There was never a relationship or anything. I have never even been asked out or flirted with or smiled at in a suggestive manner. I have had ZERO kisses, zero touches, zero of everything and it is killing me! I really need this experience, I need the intimacy, I need touch because I have always been deprived of those things and it was hard enough even without counting the gender thing. I just don't know what I can do, I don't even have the power or the "tools" to imagine a man, let alone one I find attractive, could like me, date me, touch me, be patient with me, understand me. This thing on top of everything else is ruining my life and I wish to solve it but I don't know how.

    I know no one is 100% of anything ,I guess I was just trying to better explain how I feel and why I do not feel like changing my biological gender or official gender. I don't want to label myself, to me that is not important but I guess I'm more like a transmasculine, more male than female but not enough to "tip" the scale and along with this part of me that feels female but it is something not visibly seen, my sexuality and generally the way I see myself and my body when it comes to that.

    The masculine part happens to be very visible in that it influences my natural presence and attitude, my common body language. My face and features, while not super feminine or delicate, are not masculine either, I guess I look like most women without make up or long hair, but in combination with my clothes and mannerisms, actually make people either question my gender or think I am a boy. In summer that happens rarely because my breasts and now my slimmer figure are still noticeable through my men's t-shirts and even in winter it happens less frequently than before I lost weight, but it still happens. The fact that I get mistaken for a boy doesn't upset me in itself, it is after all accurate either way, but it bothers me when I think that this masculinity is likely what makes me absolutely of no romantic/sexual interest to men from first sight.
     
  5. anonym

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    I don't know if this is an option for you or whether you would even want to but have you considered moving elsewhere? Here in the UK it is not abnormal for women to dress in a more masculine style with short hair. I can think of a few people I know that present more towards this and they are married to men and have families which goes to show men CAN find you attractive just as you are. :slight_smile:
     
  6. notaprincess06

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    I would love to move abroad, it has been my dream since I was in primary school. My mentality always fit better in Western Europe and I was always pretty immersed into British and American culture through tv and the internet. But also, I went to a bilingual secondary school where we did a lot of British English and culture and then I went to an international highschool where half or more of the classes were in English. I've been to the UK a couple of times and not just London but also up in Scotland ,the Oxford region, Cornwall, really liked it too! Always wanted to move either in the UK or Germany but sadly because of the economical crisis and then my needs and fears becoming very big burdens, I am almost 27 and never had a job. I have a bit of social anxiety ,not much but it's very tied with the impression I feel people have about me more than anything, along with inexperience, so that affects the job side because I have major anxiety about going to an interview ,fearing that the person would automatically reject me ,consciously or without realizing it ,for the way I look and my nervousness. I also fear not being able to focus and force myself to do my job and get better at it, if I got it, because this deprivation of touch, intimacy and any bit of positive attention from men ,the loneliness ,are all messing with my already not stellar capacity to concentrate on "chores'.

    Yeah, basically, it seems my life is pretty much ruined and it was totally avoidable if only I would have had some success and some support in getting that success.

    I don't just dress more masculine, I'm still sometimes taken for a boy by strangers. My clothes are all men's clothes and I lack that feminine type of presence. I can show pictures if someone is interested, privately.

    I really need some support, I am totally lost and hopeless!
     
  7. anonym

    anonym Guest

    You're life isn't ruined! You're just a bit stuck like I am at the moment.

    I have never been to your country and don't know much about it but do you have any lgbt support groups or anything like that? Are there any anti-discrimination laws for transgender people?
     
  8. notaprincess06

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    I'm not just a bit stuck, I am permanently stuck and it's even worse that with each passing day I get older and remain just as inexperienced as a 12 year old, but needing the love and attention of people at least my age and normally higher ,cause I like predominantly men over 30 and 40. I can't even show attraction or anything sexually relevant through vibes and body language because I never learned, because I was never able to learn to even use this sexually female side of me, because all my life no one ever showed interest and there was nothing in the world around me to suggest to me I could be attractive to men so I have no reason to believe that and it feels like showing interest would just make both me and the man feel awkward. I have to learn these things so I can at least have some "tools" at my disposal but now I'm a fish on land and I need to learn, to experience but I have no one to do it with.

    I'm really at a point where I feel like I'm mourning the destruction of my life, I can't believe in any of my hopes and dreams, they're all dying because I see no way to ever make them come true. I never dreamed of having a career or anything like that, I think life is about other types of experiences, about seeing the world, knowing about what goes on and how things work, making bonds with people, being with people, finding love. Those are the only things I ever wanted but there was never anything to suggest to me that I can have any love. We non-binary people are often not offered even the indirect examples of what we too can be because society doesn't include us, because we're rarely if ever characters in anything and you rarely see people as yourself around. So when that is lacking and your personal experience is also bad, what is there to give actual hope? There's just pain!

    It pains me that I worked so hard on truly accepting that I am not wrong, that I'm just as normal as everyone else, that I am beautiful too but nobody else sees it, I'm the only one and it's of no use to me, I can't hold myself at night, I can't kiss myself, I can't make love to myself ,I can't give myself certain needs and I've suffered too much already emotionally through loneliness and all that, I can't go on with nothing anymore. So yes, all I have now is a ruined life, it's of no importance to anyone but myself , I was never important enough so there's no support but my heart is broken for myself. I don't want to have to go on like this, not knowing what a kiss feels like, not knowing how it's like to have anything like that and I don't want to die without ever knowing it either but I have no hope so that's exactly how I believe I'll end up.

    I don't know of any support groups and since I'm not gay or really trans but one of the other types of non-binary that is in between, I don't know what support I can find here. What I need is help, if anything is even possible, to search and find somebody, to know it's possible for me.And I need friends.
     
  9. anonym

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    You don't have to be gay or transsexual to be part of the LGBT community. The T stands for transgender which is a catch-all term that encompasses transsexuals, cross dressers, and non binary people like you. You can definitely find support here :slight_smile: and if you had a look to see if there are any LGBT groups in your country, you can find support there as well. Try posting a new thread about non binary and I'm sure you'll get some replies from other non-binary people here. I am not non-binary so I can't imagine how it would feel to be hardly represented in society but I'm sure there are plenty of non-binary people here that can relate to that.

    I don't know if this helps but I am 26 and have never had a relationship or anyone interested in me at all. This was even before I realised I was trans and presented as feminine female and I was not exactly unattractive. I just felt that way because nobody of either gender gave me a second look. Now that I'm trans, I am doubtful that anybody ever will be interested in me because I'm going to be one ugly short man. But that doesn't mean I have completely given up hope. You know a few weeks ago I watched an interview on TV with a woman who was recovering after having a face transplant. She had been the victim of an acid attack and had lost her face. During her recovery, before she had the face transplant and was living without a face, she decided to take up piano lessons. Her piano teacher later became her partner or husband, I can't remember which BUT the point is this man fell in love with her when she had not even a face. I was so inspired by this woman how in spite of this horrendous attack, she was not going to let it stop her living the life she wanted.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't give up hope and don't let society's stupid constructs of female beauty stop you from believing you can't achieve your dreams in life.
     
  10. Music Soul

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    I dress really masculine too, most people assume I'm a guy. My friends tell me I'm quite unladylike, which is fine by me because I'm being myself. Don't worry, you're not alone (*hug*)
     
  11. notaprincess06

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    Thank you again for taking the time to write in my thread!

    I know that the LGBT community is for people like me as well, it's just that I guess I feel that being non-binary is highly unrepresented even in the LGBT crowd. I mean, I understand why, like in the case of bisexual people as opposed to gay people, being somewhere in between allows one to blend a little more and also I think that many non binary people are not even taken seriously(outside the LGBT community), as in they are not recognized as non binary by the average cis folk because ambivalence suggests to them it's just a "phase" or a matter of style. This in turn I think makes the LGBT scene be populated less with people like myself and deal more with the problems of people who are gay, who desire to transition or have transitioned, which are also the categories most directly stigmatized by this narrow minded society we live in.

    Mostly though, my problem is that I don't even know anyone who is non-binary or transsexual or even gay .I have one friend who is bi and she doesn't even live in my country. Not only do I not know anyone like that but here in Romania, I have trouble finding even stuff like meetups, social events/gatherings for people with similar interests, so I am not exactly sure what I could find in terms of LGBT. I'm sure there's gay frequented clubs but I don't know of anything else. Romania is a country that still has to work to get to the levels of Western Europe in terms of acceptance and visibility of the non-binary/non-straight individuals.

    Why would nobody give you a second look? Wow, that is so unfortunate, I am very sorry, it must be very painful, at least for me it is! I honestly don't even know how no one could ever look at you when you weren't even presenting yourself as anything but the average woman. Do you think it had to do with your mannerisms or were those also stereotypical enough? I know that mine aren't and it was nothing trained, it's just how I always was. Personally I fear that could be off putting as well to men, I hope not though!

    As a man though, I think especially women should respond to you. It is my observation that ,as much as "nice guy" douchebags like to pretend, for women personality matters in a much higher percentage in the process of attraction and their taste in men varies a lot more as well, because it is less constrained by society since men are not seen as objects, now or historically. Even if it takes a bit, I sincerely doubt you're an ugly man and your personality must be stellar, even more so compared to that of many other men who didn't have your experiences and insight into gender, people and women. As long as you try to present the most accurate, full picture of who you are and your personality, your success as the man you are should be far greater than the success you had as the woman you weren't.

    As for me, I have given up hope ,not willingly ,it just happened and I'm not pleased with it but I am unable to revive it from nothing. That is really bad because it really makes it double as hard to cope with everything and it's not "depression", it's just at the core of everything, this deep sadness, pain and fear that I've always had but that has only grown worse. I think that people like us, who aren't within the norms society has set, probably need more direct proof, more direct validation ,at least sometimes, because society doesn't offer us the indirect, subtle means of getting this validation in everyday life(seeing others like you, identifying with characters in different stories, etc). At least I feel that in my case. It's easy for someone to tell me it's no big deal but when they are perfectly cis, white and hetero, of course they are likely to feel that way because their experience of the world is different. They can even say "well, no one patted me on the back either" but actually society has been doing that all their life, it's not always about direct actions.

    So, I am at this point where personally I've run out of gas, I've run out of whatever resources I had inside to get myself emotionally through the day and keep some hope. I'm not depressed as in not going out of the house ,not taking care of myself or isolating myself. No, I function, I get out of bed, I even exercise, tend to my hobbies and I wish I had somewhere to go out, somewhere to go to meet men, I just don't know where to go. But I function without really functioning on the inside, my emotional side is at an all time low and it's not something to fix with an antidepressant. I need to have some positive experiences ,to get hope, I need to be given the opportunity to receive human touch, I need intimacy and I need to explore my sexual self fully, in sexual situations that are not just me and myself. It's also important for my gender identity as that is the biggest female part I have and so far it has brought me just pain and I never got the chance to enjoy it or even fully explore it.
    Everyday I live in this big huge fear that I'll die without ever feeling intimacy, without feeling someones lips, without feeling truly human because I can accept myself all I want but the truth is that what others think ,matters, I don't live in a bubble and I shouldn't have to.

    Now I feel bad even just finding a man attractive in some tv show, let alone someone on the subway. It's like I feel in their eyes I can only be this unattractive, weird creature and it's pathetic to find men attractive since I seem to be in the lowest of "leagues" with everyone above me, everyone out of my league so my natural "standards" seem ridiculous. I don't think anyone deserves to feel like I do, to feel like a piece of dirt under the shoes of attractive men.
    I just can't do it anymore, I can't stand living in this state, I don't want to because I know I'm not ugly, I know I shouldn't be undesirable ,I accept and I like myself but I can't live thinking that nobody else can see that, nobody part of the majority of the population. And no one deserves to fear that they'll die with nothing, no one deserves to be this deprived of human comfort when they need it. But all I know, all I've ever known so far is that it doesn't matter, that nothing matters, my pain doesn't matter at all and no one is ever going to bother helping me.

    Thank you for the message! So how is your success with men? I've never met anyone like me so far at all!
     
  12. anonym

    anonym Guest

    I know it's difficult because there isn't much of an LGBT presence in your society but perhaps give it another try searching???

    Failing that, are there any other things you can think of to join so you could meet people with similar interests to yourself? Why is it difficult to find people with the same interests? Sorry, I'm just curious to know.

    I know how it is to not have any romantic interest from other people and no, I don't think it had to do with my mannerisms because I don't act like a guy, that's something I've got to teach myself! The way I look at it though is if I worried about never finding love in life then I would be very miserable. Instead I am trying to focus on the positive things I can achieve.

    If you really would like to move abroad for example, somewhere there is more of an LGBT presence and you would feel perhaps a little more recognised in society, what are the things you would need to do to make that happen???
     
  13. Music Soul

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    I'm still in my teens, so I haven't had much dating experience. I did "date" one guy for a few months (he was a friend of mine). This was before I cut my hair and started dressing more masculine, as soon as I did he lost interest :dry: Though I'm not sure if I really liked him in the first place...I kind of saw it as a really close friendship
     
  14. notaprincess06

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    I tried a google search but didn't even find a local forum. I found just the association (activists) against discrimination and supporting LGBT's and the site doesn't offer that much tbh, seems to focus most on gay/lesbian side of things, there is only one link to some yahoo group for local transgender people ,with a handful of members and what seems to be little activity .

    I definitely have zero clue where to look , particularly not being gay or transsexual but "only" non-binary.

    Also,for someone who is ,at least until gaining some experience and hope, a pretty shy, initially introverted, slightly socially anxious person(not serious but it means I don't approach people or appear very engaging or interesting when first meeting strangers) , and who identifies in terms of sexuality as a straight woman, if putting all my stock into the LGBT community is that great. On one hand it would be nice to feel more understood and to know people more like myself, but there is also the fact that ultimately I am still feeling unaccepted ans unattractive in the eyes of the people one encounters the most, people who are cis and within the standards of normality society has decided upon. I also don't see how that could help me with my main problem : solving my great need for intimacy , sex, a connection that is not platonic.

    Ultimately, I need to feel like I stand a chance in the world in general, everyone deserves that .

    I have no clue where I could interact with men here ,especially since for me to form any contqct with someone, there has to be a move on their part cause I am almost paralyzed when it comes to just talking to strangers and forcing it doesn't come off nice even if I can literally drag myself and beat myself internally to approach an unknown person.

    All I know and all I feel beyond shadow of a doubt, is that for me personally these needs have become too great and on top of all the years of living with this extra burden of not being a cis peraon who doesn't question gender identity, on top of living in a world that offered no feeling of being represented or potentially taken into consideration. I just can't anymore and I am stuck. I can go out of the house and so on, but I don't know where to go, I have only one friend and she doesn't care to help or even consider I might need support, I feel totally lost and stuck with no way out and no way to ever satisfy my needs, certainly not now when it is crucial for me, I feel stuck and can't picture or figure out any way to find an atrractive man who would also find me atrractive when all I ever was was invisible or weird or a good subject for mockery. I don't want to die without ever kissing someone, without cuddling and making love, this is what I desire most from life, to have moments of intimacy , to connect to people and I could never do that. It all seems impossible and pointless and the pain it is causing , the hopelessness ,the loneliness and acute need for touch have potentially destroyed my future and all my other dreams because the pressure is too big, the fear too great that nothing is possible and I can't handle the stress and concentration requrements of going to work so I was always too anxious to even look for it.

    It would not take much to get me out of this hole but for once in my life, I need something to actually start happening ,a little relief, a little touch, a little appreciation and the hope that would come from that. I just have zero support here, it's just me and it feels my life is so very unimportant, as well as my feelings or my needs, it doesnt matter at all that I suffer or that I never felt what most people my age felt a long time ago already and if I need it I sound crazy or "needy" . I like who I am but nobody else does and I can only be me, I was never able to hide or even thought of hiding my masculine side and how it influences my outside presentation , I wish it were possible for men to understand, to see that this doesnt mean I am any less of a woman at the same time, where it counts.