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Nervous About Coffee on Wednesday

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tscott, Mar 2, 2014.

  1. tscott

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    This Wednesday I'm meeting two of my best friends for coffee. I'm planning to come out to them. Both are straight, and I haven't been this scared of telling anyone, except my wife. We've been friends for 15 yrs. and have spent several weekends together without the girls. I would lie if I didn't find them attractive, but I know they're straight and have never even had a fantasy about either one. We're like brothers.

    Any advise. I so scared of loosing them. :help:
     
  2. skiff

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    Tim,

    If you lose them did you ever have them?

    There are going to be wins and losses.

    Sorry.

    Tom
     
  3. GayDadStr8Marig

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    tim I have to agree with tom on this one. if you're ready to come out to them and they really are your best friends, it won't matter to them. yeah they may have questions or. need time to process the news. but if they reject you for just being gay they really weren't your friends after all. I guess in a way being as isolated as I am I don't have the whole ordeal of deciding who to come out to. its a short list really. wife. kids. coworkers (maybe eventually). extended famiky... not mine, no contact with them anyway, hers? but since I have no friends outside of work and EC that shortens the list considerably.
     
  4. Wildclover

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    I think the fact that you've spent several women-less weekends with them may actually prove to be in your favor. If you didn't make the moves then than why would you later? If they're as good of friends as it sounds like they might be I bet things will be okay. Good luck!
     
  5. biAnnika

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    Tim,

    I know it doesn't make going into this any easier, but I absolutely agree with all of the above. My experience is that with very few exceptions, people simply don't care as much as you think they do what your sexuality is.

    And I am *totally* behind the notion that if somebody rejects you because of this innate part of you that you are not responsible for...if they can only accept you if you deny part of yourself, or if part of you is other than what it is...then they are too shallow to be worthy of your friendship, and you never really had theirs.

    So go in, not with confidence, but with optimism. This will be a coming-out for everyone involved: you're coming out as who you really are, and they will come out as who they really are. If they've been a snake in the grass all this time, that will out. If they are really amazing and truly care about you, that will out. Either way, it's good to know.

    Let us know how it turns out, please. Good luck!
     
  6. Runnerrunner

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    I'm confident this is less a "deal" than you think. You're beautiful and wonderful, and if they don't realize that, then that's their problem. Go boldly! Best wishes.

    Coming out is fun!! What a life test huh?!
     
  7. tscott

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    Thanks all...ironically "Let It Go" is being sung on the Oscars...It's out of my control any way, I know, but it's scary nonetheless. It has less to do with being gay as the perception of dishonesty.
     
  8. treespoon

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    Just let yourself be happy in the notion that you'll have this weight lifted off your shoulders, whether they accept you or not. If they accept you, great, if they don't, you don't need them in your life.
    Also, haha! Frozen is my favourite, and that song hit home aha :slight_smile:
     
  9. Richie.

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    You're brave man.
     
  10. StillAround

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    It'll be fine. You're like brothers, remember? Case of nerves. Normal. Breathe into it.

    (*hug*)
     
  11. azure au

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    I understand the nervousness. Its intimidating. As others have said there will be wins and losses. I hope this one will be a win, either way your ok.
     
  12. SRS1120

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    good luck tscott. I hope this will be a win for you
     
  13. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Just remember though the dishonesty was not a free will decision, there were a lot of factors that went into being a closeted married man. You could always tie it in with Ash Wednesday and that you're giving up the lie for Lent. That's one option on my table that looks really appealing to me right now... maybe time to put that good 'ol Catholic Guilt to some productive use.
     
  14. Choirboy

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    I'd keep the whole "if they can't accept me then they weren't really my friends after all" in the back of your mind as your consolation prize, but hope for better than that. Make sure you approach this in a positive way. You're not apologizing to them for being gay all these years, after all--I think a lot of us fall into that trap. If you're tentative and apologetic, you're sending a message of "I'm really, really sorry, but I'm gay". That puts you in a position of weakness and gives people the opening of all those awkward "Are you sure?" and "What if this is just a phase?" questions.

    What you CAN do is apologize for the fact that you've kept it from them all these years (and from most of the world), and let them know that you were in the wrong for not trusting them enough to share this with them. That immediately puts you in the driver's seat of making a very positive move towards them. It also makes you come across as the one leading and in charge of the discussion.

    Be prepared for the worst, of course, and be ready to take your lumps if you have to. But don't go into the conversation defensive or showing fear. You are not telling them something horrible and you are not trying to shock them. You're showing them how much you appreciate and respect them by allowing them to be some of the first people you invite into your "inner circle". Telling them is not your confession or admission of guilt--it is an honor that you are giving them. If they throw that honor back in your face, then and only then can you tell yourself that maybe they weren't really your friends after all,
     
  15. greatwhale

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    I couldn't agree more. You need to say it with confidence and pride. Add in a little humour to ease the tension and you'll be fine. Whether they are fine with it is their issue, but you need to project to them that there is no turning back and that you have nothing to feel ashamed about.
     
  16. Molly1977

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    Good luck, hope it goes well for you. xxx
     
  17. biAnnika

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    Yes...I said less about the less pessimistic case than I might have. Absolutely go into this forthrightly...people *do* tend to take being let in on "secrets" as an honor...the admission to an inner circle. This dynamic can work hugely in your favor!

    Where I might disagree slightly with Choirboy is in apologizing for not telling them or trusting them earlier. I would not apologize for *anything*, unless you truly feel you've done something wrong. Like GayDad points out, it's not necessarily like you were hiding something that you concretely knew...it sounds like you've only recently reached the point where you're confident that you're gay...how much earlier could you have told them, when you'd have been absolutely sure?
     
  18. Choirboy

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    You're right there....I think I had meant to suggest that IF you felt the need to apologize for anything, it should be for not telling them sooner. But I totally agree with you, Annika. Apologies, of ANY kind, really aren't appropriate here at all.
     
  19. tscott

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    :thewave::thewave::thewave::thewave:

    I'm happy as a pig in muck (!)

    My 2 best straight friends could care less (!)

    Even offered to help me move (!)

    I am truly blessed (!)

    Best news I've had in what seems like forever (!)

    :thewave::thewave::thewave::thewave:

    ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2014 at 07:19 PM ----------

    Did this really just happen!
     
  20. greatwhale

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    :grin: nice feeling, huh?