1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Why can't I be happy?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AaronMed, Mar 1, 2014.

  1. AaronMed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2012
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoney Creek, Ontario, Canada
    Hey,

    I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to get out of this, but here goes - maybe you can give me some advice. I apologize in advance for this email's length - there's a lot of background. If you already know the Sebastian story, just skip to the paragraph marked with three asterisks.

    Last year in early June, I was a serious closet case. I also have a severe anxiety disorder with panic. On Wednesday, June 5th, I secretly went out on my first date ever with a man named Sebastian. I sat on the bench across from the coffee shop I was meeting him at, and I shook in a state of sustained panic and fear. My hands were so cold and I felt like I was dying. When the time came, I walked into the coffee shop, found a table, and sat down. He arrived ten minutes later. When he walked in, I suddenly got this rush of calmness, like everything was as it should be. We talked for a while and then he walked me back to the train station. I went home, and my panic attack came back. I went to bed and fell asleep.

    The next morning, I woke up and my panic attack was even worse. I managed to get through the day and went to bed early. On Friday morning, I woke up and now my panic attack was crippling. I could barely move. I made an appointment with my doctor that same morning and I came out to him. He told me that I'd have to come out to my parents eventually. Then he prescribed me clonazepam (an anxiolytic) and sent me on my way.

    I picked up the prescription at the pharmacy and went home and took a dose. I had a mildly adverse reaction in that I fell to sleep immediately and didn't wake up for a few hours. When I did, my dad sat down beside me and said that he knew something was up and that I could tell him anything and that he'd still love me no matter what. I started crying and asked if he really meant that, and he said yes. So I blurted out, "Dad, I'm gay." He smiled, told me that he had suspected that for over a year, and hugged me to tell me he was okay with it. My mom came home an hour later and I told her too. She said pretty much the same thing.

    Some time from then, I went on a second date with Sebastian. We went to the movies and he hugged me at the end.

    On the third date, we were sitting in my car before the movie in the theatre parking lot. He asked me if I wanted to sit in the back seat with him. I said sure, so we did.

    After talking for a while in the back seat, I told him that we should go in and find our seats. He said yeah, but then said, "First, I think you should kiss me." That totally freaked me out, but I said okay and I kissed him once on the lips really briefly. He playfully said, "That's it?" I kissed him again for a little longer. He said "come here" and we made out for a while and it was awesome. I've never felt that level of sexual desire for anyone ever before.

    On the fourth date, we did the deed and it was great. I suspect no details are necessary here.

    On the fifth date, we went to a museum. That was the last time I ever saw Sebastian. Some weeks later, we were texting and he asked for an open relationship. I said no and asked him if he was okay with that. He said he'd think about it. The next day he said he really needed to explore the polyamorous side of himself. I cried for a long time and then texted him saying that we were done. That was the end.

    ***For months I tried to forget about him. I browsed dating sites and tried to stay busy. On October 29th, I met a man on a site named Alex. We texted for a while and really hit it off. We met for coffee on December 5th and talked about science and philosophy and what it's like to be gay. It went pretty well, but I realized then and there that his spoken English is terrible.

    After the third date, I seriously considered breaking up with Alex because of the language barrier. But I decided not too. He's a genuinely sweet guy.

    At this point, we've seen each other a handful of times, and he's infatuated with me. He says regularly that he loves me desperately and that he couldn't live without me. For the past month, I've reciprocated, saying that I love him too. The honest truth is, though, that I'm not sure if I do.

    I want to love him. I want to feel the way he feels about me. I want to have a perfect relationship with a perfect boyfriend and a perfect life. Basically, I want to feel the passionate love I had for Sebastian, but I also want the stability and reciprocity of Alex. But I just don't feel that way. Other people I know are so happy. Why can't I be? What the fuck do I need to do to be like them? :'(
     
  2. jonnemack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'll be short, because basically the answer is right on your face.

    You need to open yourself, to both of them. Alex is a great guy and clearly loves you, don't you dare break up his heart. Now with Sebastian, try to come back and get in touch with him again, update your status with him and say that you met a really nice guy.

    Tell Sebastian that all you wanted is to be like him, to improve yourself. Then you will finally get out of your chest the pressure of behaving in a way you're not confortable with. This Alex guy deserves the best of you cause he is giving the best of him to you, that being said, the best of you comes out from this guy Sebastian, then be it.

    Talk with him again, be friends, nothing more. Internally you need to be okay with him to move on.
     
  3. AaronMed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2012
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoney Creek, Ontario, Canada
    I can't do that though, I miss Sebastian too much. It took me since September to not cry when I see his first name on paper. I'm afraid that if I get in touch with him, all sorts if shit is going to come flying out of the woodwork and I'm going to be a fucking mess.

    Oh, and the other problem is, if Sebastian is seeing somebody right now and I find out, I don't think I could handle that. I'd become a fountain of tears quite literally.

    Yes he is, and I don't want to break his heart, really I don't. But I just can't figure out how to love him back. With Sebastian, when I saw him I was elated and on top of the world. But for Alex, it's not like that.

    But I don't want to be like Sebastian. He was screwed up, from an abusive home, and had all sorts of emotional scarring.

    I know that, but I don't know if I can, so it's not really fair to him for me to lead him on.

    I know, but I don't know how. I'm so screwed. :'(
     
  4. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have to disagree with jonne -- I don't think there's any reason to contact Sebastien again. He wasn't willing to make any kind of a commitment to you. I don't know if he was only interested in a physical relationship or if he's really polyamorous (which I'm not sure is a real thing rather than an excuse to sleep around), but you deserve better than that.

    As for Alex, that's a tough spot to be in. Do you feel like you don't actually love him or is it just not as intense as it was the first time around with Sebastien? I have no basis for comparison since I haven't been in a relationship so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but I think when you first get involved with someone new there's usually a feeling of butterflies that fades at least a little bit after a while and what you end up with is either love or nothing.

    Is he someone that you're attracted to, makes you feel comfortable, and genuinely enjoy spending time with? If so, I recommend sticking it out for awhile and seeing what happens. If you simply don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore, break up with him. It will definitely hurt if he cares for you as much as you say, but it's not fair to either of you to force the relationship to continue if you're not both getting something out of it.

    Unfortunately this stuff is not easy. It can take some trial and error before you find the person who's right for you and there can be some painful moments along that journey. Good luck!
     
  5. Californiacoast

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    I applaud the steps you have taken thus far! Such courage! Consider what you have overcome and give yourself a pat on the back. I often think we do not give ourselves enough credit for the amazing work we do to just come through the coming out process and initial dating ritual. This is huge! My advice is to not underestimate your own power.

    Finding healthy, stable relationships in the gay community may take time. Allow yourself that time. I know, it may suck waiting, but have some fun in the process! Enjoy the steps of getting to know different personalities. Some may be more aggresive, some more passive, some more clingy, some more supportive. As you navigate the sea of men that you will meet, give yourself a break. No man will make you feel whole. Only you can do that. The more focus you put on self development, the more attractive you will become to others, and the closer to a healthy relationship, built on mutual trust and respect that you will achieve. There is a chemical "rush" that comes with new relationship and dating. Try to avoid addiction to the "rush", yet enjoy the process.

    Remember, just because people appear happy, doesn't mean they are. Happiness is a process as well. When you figure that formula out, please let me know. :slight_smile:
    You will be just fine.
     
  6. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I actually think you are being very hard on yourself and maybe expecting too much, too soon. It took me quite a few years and a few failed relationships (some of which, were really intense) before I met my current partner. It was a bit of a roller coaster ride and I had some hurt feelings along the way, but I learnt a lot about myself and what I really wanted. I think you can too.

    What you had with Sebastien, reminds me of one of the relationships I had quite a few years ago. It was deep and very intense and I was madly in love, but we had different expectations and it would have never worked. Hard as it was, I had to move on and put it behind me. That's what you must to do too (but learn from the experience).

    It sounds like you care about Alex, you are fond of Alex, you find him sweet and nice, but... you don't love him. This is going to be painful, but you need to be honest with him and tell him that. Keeping it going in the hope that you will grow to love him will hurt both of you. How long do you give it? Be honest, but be as gentle as possible and try to remain on good terms.

    You only came out last year and it was clearly an ordeal for you, but your parents have been great. That gives you a foundation that so many LGB don't have. Cherish it!

    According to your profile you are only 20 and Sebastien and Alex are the first guys you've had involvement with. Give yourself a break - you have time to find happiness.

    When you are dating, be very clear about what you want and don't compromise. I'm not saying be unreasonable and set the bar too high in the hope of finding Mr Perfect (he doesn't exist!), but think carefully about what is non-negotiable for you. It sounds like open relationships are not your thing, so that might need to be on the list. Also sounds like you need someone who you have good communication with.
     
  7. WhiteShadows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2013
    Messages:
    1,034
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's difficult.
    I can't claim to have any experience... so I don't think I can really offer any meaningful advice.

    What I will say, though, is try to help Alex. If you need to break it off, of course do so, but it's really hard coming from another language. I know it can be really frustrating, and they just seem like they're stupid at times.... but try and be patient...
    I myself am currently in costa rica for a year, and it's a lot harder than I was expecting. even with 4 years of spanish study before I came here I need to ask the locals to repeat themselves all the time.

    Alex is probably finding it hard too.
    From what you've said it sounds like you're not really passionate about him, but I'm sure you can still be a good friend to him.

    Anyway, I hope you feel better soon :slight_smile:
     
  8. AaronMed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2012
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoney Creek, Ontario, Canada
    I don't think he just wanted the physical relationship, I think he thinks that he really is polyamorous. I realize this will be extremely controversial for me to say, but I agree with you too in that I don't think polyamory actually exists - it's just a term invented so that people can be unfaithful and not feel guilty about it. That's why I said that I want the passion of that relationship to get injected into my current relationship. If I could have that, that would be perfect, but I just don't know how to make that happen.

    I feel like I love him, but not as intensely as I did with Sebastian. His love for me is at about 100% intensity, and mine for him is at about 60% intensity.

    Yes, very much so. He's exceptionally hot when his hair is messy :slight_smile:.

    Yes, very much so. When I'm with him, I feel like everything is as it should be. It's for this reason that I haven't broken up with him yet. This is gonna sound strange, and I might sound totally crazy, but it's almost like the universe is somehow telling me that he's right for me.

    Yes, very much so. I love doing things with him, and our best dates are the ones that are activity-based.

    I think I'm gonna stick it out for a while at least. Just reading the part marked with asterisks makes me cry... I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be alone. :tears:

    No kidding, eh? The thing is, I'm not a very emotionally stable person. My emotional growth was stunted as a kid (my parents are über-overprotective), and I just can't handle emotional rollercoasters. I need stability or else I feel like the world is crumbling around me. I can't keep on with trial-and-error, it would kill me. Perhaps quite literally.

    But I'm not stable enough to allow myself that time. I just want to be in a stable relationship right now. I'm not cut out for this emotional rollercoaster, I just can't take it. :tears:

    Sebastian did. It wasn't stable. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't reciprocal. It wouldn't have worked. But he did make me feel whole.

    Then I guess I'll never be whole. :tears:

    I wish I could believe you.

    :bang: But I can't!!!!! I can't take that kind of emotional strain. :tears:

    Not true. I don't love him as much as I loved Sebastian.

    I understand what you mean, but I don't have time. You only get to live once. I don't want to waste my youth searching. I just want to be happy now.
     
  9. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Damnit, I had a whole long reply all typed up and then Windows "encountered an error" and put me in a Windows Update reboot loop. Take #2. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Unfortunately you can't force passion -- it's either there or it's not. With that said, is it possible you're romanticizing what you had with Sebastian? I'm sure there was a lot of intensity (especially during that "back seat" moment), but in reality you only went out with him a handful of times. It's human nature to want what we can't have...is there any chance that this plays a part? That's probably not something you can really answer since that's not something you'd be actively aware of.

    Can you identify what's different in the way you feel about Sebastian and Alex? By all accounts you are physically attracted to Alex, are comfortable with him, and love the time you spend together. Is it a sexual thing? Is it the language barrier?

    More importantly than the reason, do you think there's room for your feelings to grow over time? If not, it's probably not fair to either of you to maintain a relationship if you're always going to wish you had something more.

    Heh, cute. I imagine the guy I like would look adorable when his hair is all messed up. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    You shouldn't have to convince yourself that you're happy in a relationship.

    With that said, is it possible that you're just nervous because this is the first opportunity you've had to have a meaningful, long-term relationship with another guy? What I mean is, is there any chance you actually are happy being with Alex but are subconsciously afraid to make a commitment to him and are looking for an excuse to be in a more familiar or "comfortable" situation? I'm certainly not suggesting that's the case so I hope you don't interpret that as a hostile statement; I'm just trying to throw ideas out there.

    How do you feel with Alex when you're not out actively doing something and are just kind of hanging around? Is what's lacking the ability to just sit together and talk? I know I personally probably wouldn't have entertained getting into a relationship with someone I found difficult to understand or communicate with, but you've known him for a while now so I imagine there's been at least some improvement there. I would expect that his English would start to get quite a bit better pretty quickly having someone to talk to on a regular basis.

    I think it's definitely worth giving him more of a chance if you're sure you're actually interested in him and see the potential for your feelings to develop into something stronger. However, your last sentence threw up a bit of a red flag for me -- don't force yourself to stay into a relationship that you know is a dead end. That's not fair to yourself and even more importantly it's not fair to string Alex along, especially if he's madly in love with you. Make sure you haven't already drawn any permanent conclusions if you decide to stick with it.

    No kidding, eh? The thing is, I'm not a very emotionally stable person. My emotional growth was stunted as a kid (my parents are über-overprotective), and I just can't handle emotional rollercoasters. I need stability or else I feel like the world is crumbling around me. I can't keep on with trial-and-error, it would kill me. Perhaps quite literally.

    While I unfortunately have no frame of reference since I haven't been in a relationship, I think I'd be in the same boat with you on this one. I think I'll be able to fall for someone pretty easily which may be different from you, but going through a ton of people to find what you're looking for sounds like a horrifying thought to me. Being constantly rejected or having to turn down other people sounds like it would be really traumatic.

    However, as difficult as that is you can't allow yourself to settle for stability over love if that's not what you feel. You may think you're okay with it, but after some time, maybe even years, you'll want something more, lament losing all of that time, and end up hurting someone else in the process.

    I have to say that this line scares me the most. It's one thing to maybe feel a different kind of spark with Alex than you did with Sebastian, but to say you can quantify that you don't love him as much is a big deal.

    I definitely know what you mean on this one -- I've felt the same way for the last ten years or so. I'm seven years older than you and I've never had any kind of relationship. I know the opportunity is still there, but at the same time I've felt for so long that I'm so far behind everyone else that I'm running out of time. I don't know when the point will arrive where I truly believe my window to find someone has closed, but you're not close to that point yet.

    Also, I think you need to become comfortable with the idea that you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Even if your long-term goal is to find someone special to spend your life with, that shouldn't prevent you from enjoying the journey to get there. That person will play a massive role in your life, but he's not your whole life. You can't let yourself be completely dependent on someone else for happiness because people will let you down on occasion for your entire life. I really believe in what you're trying to find because I'd love to have the same thing one day, but if you put so much pressure on yourself to find a perfect relationship I think it will be a real challenge to be happy because perfect relationships simply don't exist.

    I hope I wasn't too negative or anything; I'm just trying to offer counter-arguments and maybe help you clarify what your real hold-ups are in your current relationship. I'm definitely not trying to provide negative judgment or anything. I think it's awesome how passionate you are about finding your potential soul mate and I wish you all the best in making that happen. :slight_smile: