I'm feeling a little alone right now. I have told my councillor, my husband and 5 friends I'm bi. My husband is hardly talking to me and has pushed me so far away I don't really want to go back. We are still together but we are a world apart. I have asked him for a separation so we can both work out what we want but he said I can F**k off if that's what I want. He has calmed down now but it's been a week and nothing more has been discussed. We have 2 beautiful children that complicates things. My councillor is helping me but I think she thinks I need to explore my sexuality as I have not had any experience with women. My friends are supportive but don't really know what to say. One of them is bi and i fell for her in a big way but never told her. i think she probably guessed though and when my marriage started to have problems she stopped talking to me.This is so hard as i miss her terribly and see her a lot and she ignores me. I feel I need to meet some like minded people but I'm a little scared as not many people know I'm bi and I'm not ready to tell the world. My councillor has told me it will be a very different world with good and bad points but she thinks I should try. She is gay and has children so understands my situation. I feel I'm being blamed for the breakdown of my marriage even though there have been problems for a long time. I ended up spending time with my friend because I was lonely. That said I do feel guilty for falling in love but this broken heart is more than enough punishment surely. Anyway not sure what I'm hoping to get from this thread but feeling sad tonight. Thanks for reading it. X
I understand what you're going through, even though my situation is a lot better. My wife and I have two children and are in a sort of holding pattern. After a lot of long talks, we realized that neither of us was straight. Both of us identify as gay, and we have some supportive friends separately, but our families don't know. I'm not sure there's anything I can say from my own experience to help, but I know how it feels to feel sort of trapped with your feelings because you've accepted a part of yourself and others don't know or haven't. Mostly I wanted to reply to this because I know it helps sometimes to know even a stranger empathizes with what you're going through.
Hi, Are the BOTH of you in couples therapy? If you are indeed bisexual and capable of bonding emotionally and physically either way what is the wedge preventing you from staying in your current relationship? I cannot help answer that question as I am gay. I have tried to force myself to bond (passionately) with a woman and failed. In the past I was able to bond passionately and completely with a man and no other man caught my eye. I was totally monogamous to my partner 15 years. All I can offer are questions; Are you bisexual or truly lesbian?, 2) If bisexual what other wedge issues exist in your current relationship that leave you wanting more? I suspect bisexuals will be more useful. Tom
Welcome Penpal! As a bisexual woman in a longterm monogamous relationship (in my case with a woman), I can relate. Skiff, I would assume the wedge issue here is the desire/need to explore/actualize that interest in women, as she says her therapist is recommending. Nae all men would be so understanding as to let their wives do that. You know how it felt/feels not being with a man for so long? That sense of longing and need? Well (at least for some bisexuals) when we're relegated to sex with just a man or just a woman for a long time, we get that sense for whichever sex we're missing. Personally, I love the openness of being a bisexual...the fact that as you say, I can bond emotionally and physically with either sex (although, to complicate that, I lean toward women, at least emotionally). But I find being *drawn* to two such different modes at once to be extremely difficult in a society that so reinforces monogamy.
From my perspective, I think fully out gay and lesbian people are hesitant to get too close to those of us who are "half-way" out and particularly those of us who are still in heterosexual relationships. I believe that they know it's a long, hard road to come out later in life and that until we've made the journey and it's fully in our past, we can't fully embrace and live the identity of being gay or lesbian. That means a relationship with us is compromised and heavily impacts their ability to live as an out person when they are with us. At least, that's been my experience. Many, if not all, out gays and lesbians wish us well, want the very best for us, but until we are fully in that community....we are not yet OF that community.
I think I'm bisexual because I am attracted to both men and women. However my councillor has said if I have an experience with a woman I might be a lesbian. She has met a lot of people who have felt like this. My marriage has had it's difficulties for a long time with me and my husband drifting apart when he worked away for a few nights each week. He stopped this when he realised it was effecting us but we haven't really recovered. He was going out getting drunk and I was spending more time with my friend who I had a lot in common with. She would sing and I would play guitar. I really miss that more than anything. I found out last night that my husband has been sending gifts to another woman. He tells me he ran out of money in the pub and she bought him drinks and the deal was he send her this gift. He took her phone number and address and they are now friends on Facebook. For me this is the final nail in the coffin. I need to move on but I really want to do it amicably for the children sake. Tough times ahead but I have been beating myself up about if separation would be a big mistake and my husband has been so horrible to me. Now I know it's not a mistake and I need to move on. Thank you all for your support. One step at a time.
I feel your pain...am going thru a nasty divorce due to my infidelity with a woman. I have been married 3 times...to more and more macho men and now I feel that this was just a way for me to validate my sexuality (considered myself hetero) . But now...in my early 50s have finally come to terms with my sexuality and consider myself a lesbian. After sleeping with several women in my life I realized after the affair that I did indeed want to be with a woman. My husband is having a really hard time with this but has taken it out on me in a very ugly way. (by sleeping with my best friend!) Good luck and all I can say is that I will never be in an unhappy relationship again. Life is too short. I am going to wait to come out after the divorce is final. But my (real) best friend knows and is very supportive. People who truly love you for you are will be. Do what you need to do to be happy and you will be a better person,mother and friend overall. good luck!
Penpal, know you have support here! Many of us are going through similar circumstances. My counselor has said to me, in addressing whether I should stay with my husband, is to know you will be making someone very unhappy, but ultimately you need to be your own advocate for your well being, mental health and happiness. Weigh all the positives and negatives of the situation. All you can do is be fair and honest to your husband, you cannot control his reactions. Be strong!
Thank you for your support. My husband has found a house to rent so it looks like in 3 weeks time I will be living a very different life. He has admitted that he likes a woman he met in the pub but says there is nothing going on. He has sent her gifts though. She is 10 years younger, pretty and I'm sure doesn't have complicated issues like me so I can understand why he likes her. It does hurt though that he said he loved me more since I came out to him and then a month later he is chasing someone else. I feel a bit vulnerable because during an argument he said he was going to tell everyone about me. He's being nice to me now and we are talking sensibly but I am scared that if things don't go his way he will out me before I am ready. I just want my children to be ok and for us to be able to keep things amicable for them.
Penpal. Wow I see so much of my story in yours. The reality.. And honestly I hadn't seen my own fully until recently.. if your marriage was great you most probably would've kept on keeping on. My stbx husband is a good man, A kind man, a good father and a shitty neglectful husband who makes me feel like a personal assistant ( or worse) another mother whom he also care to bed. His neglect allowed me the window to consider more with a friend who was gay. She was beautiful brilliant and challenging. I loved/love her like no other. She opened my eyes to a possibility of utter satisfaction-emotionally, intellectually sexually. She made me want to make the leap into the abyss of gay life ( which I assume most would agree.. Sometimes totally sucks!) Then it ended. I mist up at the thought of never again. I came out to nearly everyone important and plan on telling my kids in the next few weeks. My best friend dropped me and I know many others will follow. I've lost my family my marriage my religion and, if I'm being honest, it feels like- a little part of myself. That being said... I am ready. I am ready to take the last great leap. I AM GAY!! My oldest brother calls it a midlife crisis, but I know. I know the feeling I get when I am with a woman. I know the happiness it can bring....and like a heroin addict looking for a fix.. I will do anything to find it again. Things will never be the same, but I know the person I was and the person I am will find a neutral pH. There will be balance. Besides.. A person buts a car in a midlife crisis... They don't dive face first into pussy and hope never to come out. hang in there. You. Are. Not. Alone. Xx best.
This sounds both scary and exciting at the same time! Good luck I hope the transition goes well to single life.:icon_bigg
I have to say I am terrified. Originally the plan was to separate to see how we felt. But my husband seems to have found someone else and threatened to out me to everyone so I'm now thinking we will never get back what we had. It's time for me to move on and explore who I truly am. As you say scary and exciting with a long road ahead. Thanks everyone. X
Penpal... One of the worst things in my path of coming out was dealing with the mood swings... My own and worse those of every single person I knew. It is exhausting and nerve wracking. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time. My neighbor and friend offered some real wisdom. She said that just as I had to accept this new reality, so did every person I know. Coming out isn't this thing we do and then it's done (although that would be just great if it was). It is a process-a process for us and for every person in our lives. We all want acceptance. I've found it helps to offer the compassion I crave to others. I am trying to weather the storm of coming out, but it helps if I offer the benefit of the doubt to others around me. I've reached a place (or if not reached it-I can see it) where I'm not so scared of the reactions of others. At this stage being honest to everyone is more important than worrying about their reactions. The swings are bad with highs and overwhelming lows...but stay the course-coast and eventually things will calm and life will normalize. Until then... We get it and wish you the best. Xx
Penpal, wishing you all the best!! You have the opportunity now to make a new life for yourself, one where you are happy and true to yourself. I know this will be scary too, I have yet to do it myself. I wish I were where you are now. You have my support!
