Why I am here.

Well written. Thank you for writing this.

 

nice introduction. welcome man.hope you get good advice etc.

 

Welcome, and congratulations. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Welcome! If you've been lurking, you know your story mirrors those of many of us, including my own. We're all on a quest to find the happiness and peace that will never be possible living in the closet.

As you probably know, it's not an easy road. The good that comes from starting to live authentically is tempered by the upheaval and turmoil you'll be creating for yourself and the ones you love.

May I ask what brought you to the point where you are considering taking this step?

 

Hi,

Welcome.

Like many things you will NEVER be ready for it. You will have romantic notions of how it will be but once you do it you will get the reality of it.

Did you ever imagine having kids matched the reality of raising/loving your children?

If we all waited till we were ready all would die alone and childless regardless of sexuality. There are events in life where you have to just do it and learn through the experience of it.

Tom

 

Confused: That was just amazing to read. Thank you for sharing your story, it really resonates with me.

As an aside, I'm noticing a number of gay married guys in these forums from Wisconsin? Did we unconsciously start a colony here, or what?! It gives me hope that I'll find some kind of support in the area to have people to talk to, if not in person then phone or something. Faceless/voiceless behind a keyboard is great, but sometimes the human connection when you're really down-and-out can make the difference.

 

Hi confused mwm, welcome to EC!

Your nickname belies your state of mind, the way you wrote that intro shows an uncommon clarity of thought and a very direct honesty.

I hope that, through us and your time here, you will find a way to coming out in the best way possible.

 

It is a little uncanny, isn't it? Must be this never-ending winter that is making everyone re-evaluate themselves! Welcome to the Gay Badger Brotherhood. One of us needs to design a t-shirt or something.

 

Confused MWM,
A warm welcome.

I can imagine that it was quite difficult for you to write that post, but I'm glad that you did.

From your writing, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into your life, and in to your sexuality. No it's a matter of turning the corner from what you know intellectually to reality. And that's not an easy feat.

In many ways, you are ahead of the game. There are many 43-year-olds who can't articulate their feelings, who are struggling with such profound repression that they could never summarize, "Why am I here."

I hope you have noticed that this is a kind, thoughtful, sensitive group. Although we might not have had identical experiences in life, we can relate to you. And I speak for everyone when I say that we welcome your posts, comments, and questions.

I am starting to wonder about Wisconsin. It's one state I've never visited, but it does seem over-represented on this board. Hmmm. Perhaps the gay bachelor of my dreams is a "badger"

 

Confused MWM,

Welcome and warm hugs. Uncanny clarity and acceptance. I cried when I read this as it is as though you had written about my life.

I have been lurked and not contributing much over the past year, but through this forum I found about fathers groups for men in our situation, and have joined one when I live.

I have been taking my time and trying to give my wife some time for her own acceptance, as I told her I am gay a year ago. I am beginning to realize that I am going to have to create a plan and start driving my own life forward as we can get stuck in the "go slow" mode.

How I hate to upset other people--good old people pleaser traits.

You actually don't sound so confused, even though your name says so. Often "confusion" stems from not wanting to hurt others, and that creates the feelings of confusion, which is more the tension between doing what is right for you, and what you feel you "should" be doing for others.

 

It must be something in the cheese curds.

Welcome, Confused MWM. You have a lot of courage to reach out here on EC as you have. Before I accidentally outed myself to my wife, I never would have had the guts to chat openly about my true thoughts and feelings about men with anybody. As most here can say, I know exactly how lonely and frustrating it can be to have so many conversations with yourself about guys. It makes you feel as though you have split personalities.

You seem to have reached a tipping point that many guys in our situation eventually reach, where you just are not sure you can contain the drive within you to establish an emotional and physical connection with another man. You may have a strong desire to seek out a guy on the side, or you already have, or you already have taken steps in hope that it might happen. In my struggle, I never physically cheated, but took steps to do so, and I certainly cheated emotionally. I had to explain this all to my wife eventually, and it was very difficult to watch and feel her react.

As you figure out what you are going to do, I strongly advise that you be mindful of how your wife would feel if she knew the truth, including the truth that you have and still are concealing the reality of HER life from her against her will. My wife compares it to the Matrix: now that she has taken the pill that allows her to see the world as it really is, she often longs for the life she would have known if she took the other pill. Still, (she claims) she would rather know the truth. I am not necessarily advising you to tell her everything - that is something you have to figure out weighing all considerations. But when you conceal the truth, YOU bear a heavier burden, and it will weigh you down considerably.

I look forward to following your posts. We have a lot to learn from each other, I suspect.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place certainly. I hope that in time you will get to where you want to be.

I'm an example of someone who did manage to find that one special man who allowed me to learn what it really felt like to truly love someone completely - more than I was able to love my wife. He and I have been together now for over 6 years now, and have been married for 2.5. My ex wife has also remarried and is living a nice life with her new husband, and my children have come out of this relatively unscathed as well. Only time will tell of course, but they seem to be well adjusted despite this situation.

Good luck!

 

There seems to be little I can add that hasn't been said here already. This is a very special and caring group of guys. You've landed in a good place to sort out what you want or need to do next. I have supported and been supported here. I'm currently working through mediation with eye on divorce and my children are my utmost concern, then my wife, and then me.

On a different note "badgers" are running neck and neck with the Scots. I was thinking it was something in my heritage.

I think you're going to like it here.

By the way, I'm Tim

 

*joke* It's in the water in Wisconsin. I think it has something to do with Scott Walker. :lol:

---------- Post added 6th Feb 2014 at 12:46 PM ----------

Hello again, Confused. Even though we've been chatting a while on our Walls, I wanted to comment on this thread you started.

I echo all the comments above me. These are good, caring, wise people. And there are many others.

The two paragraphs I quoted above are a perfect description of my last 25 years, except that I'm approaching old age, not middle age. (I hate to say that, because there is a 25-year-old inside me that I've never let out to play!) I have the same relationship with my wife as the one you describe with yours. My life with her has been a gift, and my love for her is real. But it's not enough. I have to be whole, and I have to be known.

I too am at peace. Ironic, though, that finding my peace is causing so much turmoil in what has been the most important relationship in my life, in the one person who has guided and tutored me in life for so many years. This is tough work, but we all have to do it...

 

Congratulations CM! It can't have been easy. "Taking referrals" made me laugh.