Coming out to my male friend

I don't think you should ever have to worry about the effect of you telling the truth about who you are. So if anyone's telling you that, throw it away. That's what keeps you in the closet in the first place. Worrying about what others think or how they'll react to you having the courage to be who you are. Now, what I do think you should do is start out with being honest about yourself. And just see where that takes you. From my experience, a guy will usually tell you their sexual orientation. It's a natural response to feel threatened by something you don't understand. If he doesn't understand, he'll make it a point to ask you questions and tell you about his attractions. At least a good friend will. At your ages, I think he'll be more curious to know about your attractions if he's straight or in a questioning phase. So don't get discouraged if you don't get the response you want right now. All you can ever do is be 100 with people, and hope that they'll do the same when you've confided in them. It's risky, but that's life. If he's willing to be open, it's the ideal moment for him to tell you if he shares those feelings. Good luck bro.

 

You're asking like we have the answer, but the answer is in you...

Are you feeling more like you want to tell him? Do you feel any more or less confident in/comfortable with yourself? Do you feel like you want to see how the friend you already told deals with the news over the next few days? Would that reaction have any effect on your decision? Why or why not?

If you think you're ready to tell him, have you given much thought to you want to tell him? How do you want your relationship with him to change once you tell him? And does that give you any insight on how to tell him. How do you want your relationship to not change. And what insight does that give you?

These are tough questions, and you're so young; I wouldn't trust myself to give advice other than to pose the questions I think you should ask yourself.

Let us know how things go. I know I'm touched by your story, and I'm sure others here are, too.

/Ed.

 

It would probably be better to follow the script and try to get a sense of whether he is gay/bi or not before disclosing your feelings toward him. If he is straight, telling him that you are attracted to him in a gay way is going to create a more awkward situation than simply him thinking that you are gay "in general" but able to maintain a traditional relationship towards straight friends as he probably thinks you currently have. BUT, if he asks you if you have feelings for him, it is better to tell him that you do, but you will respect the fact that they are not reciprocated just as you have been doing already and will be happy to just have him as a good and supportive friend.

 

Unless he wants you to know, I don't think so. We may all identify ourselves as somewhere in that LGBT alphabet soup, but we're as diverse otherwise as any other human beings.

There's an interesting thread in Later in Life about "gay traits" and "straight traits." And the posts on it tell me that an external trait that some people think of as gay, other people think of as straight.

Are you maybe engaged in an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" kind of thinking about revealing your sexuality?

What do you think would happen if you told him you were gay or bi, without the added baggage of telling him you're attracted to him? What if you tell him that you really like hanging out with him and doing x, y, or z with him (whatever it is you guys do together to have fun) and that you hope it doesn't affect your friendship?

It might give him the space he needs to come to terms with it all, and, if he is gay or bi, the eventual courage to share that with you.

You are both so young... Try to take it slow; you have your whole life to live yet. (Tough advice to take, I know... There's an expression--the fierce urgency of now--that applies here, I think.)

 

So proud of you, buddy! What a big step! Take time to savor it.. And keep in touch here. I'd like to know how things go...

Take care, and live!

 

I've been in your situation before. Before you even remotely think of seeing if he likes you, make sure he's gay/bi. There's a increased chance he is bi/gay if he doesn't have anything against it, but one of my very good friends is 100% straight and has no problem with gays. Remember your boundaries and don't get too cocky, he's still JUST your friend.

 

well on you bud! I have had the rough end in that I told someone who spread it everywhere but you get though it.

 

Unfortunately that's the downside of sharing an intimate part of yourself with someone. Often they ate so excited to have news they're happy about they want to spread the word without thinking they should get your permission. Coming out is an exercise in trust, mistakes will be made and sometimes it will hurt, but I guess that's all part of getting a deeper understanding of who you are and how you will respond to challenges in life as you grow up.

Congrats on the courage and responsijility you've shown in respecting yourself and your friends as you've begun the long process of coming out. I hope for many blessings and a long life for you and whomever you find as a lifelong partner.

 

You can try telling him that someone told you he had a secret crush on someone, and you want him to share his secret with you. If tells you it is a girl, then he is presumed straight. If he tells you it is another boy, then he has come out to you and you should support his being gay and keep your feelings about him quiet, for now. If he tells you it is you, then he is gay and into you. If he doesn't want to say, then you have to give him his space and time until he does, but keep giving him support unconditionally.

 

If he acts awkward then give it a week. (I hate waiting too)

 

Whether he is straight or "just acting straight", he is demonstrating that he wants to be considered to be straight, so you need to put him into the "just a good friend" column and enjoy his friendship for now and move on with your love life. If he is "just acting", time will tell you a different story later, but not right now.