I don't know how I'm supposed to leave my marriage so that I can figure out my sexuality. My husband currently works 2 jobs because I have been unable to do my own job. I'm left alone all day with our baby who's 18 months. I spend way too much time on here and I'm not taking care of the baby the way I used to. I'm not neglecting her, but I'm putting her 2nd. I actually don't spend much time with my kids anymore at all. On top of this I am not able to do my job. I cannot tell you the last time I have washed my hair, I rarely take showers and I constantly think about running away from my family. I can tell my oldest is feeling neglected and she even asked me why I don't love her anymore. I'm struggling a lot with my gender as well. I only have "femme" clothing and don't feel like wearing them anymore and therefore won't leave my house...I need to go grocery shopping and I just can't. There is no one to help me btw, I don't live close to my family (or husband's) and my friends do help as much as possible, but really, they have their own lives (and kids). My old therapist wants me to see a marriage counsellor but I have no income at all. There are free counsellors and everyone I've checked out has a waiting list of at least 4+ months. I have never felt this horrible in my entire life. I've stopped everything - eating healthy, working out, planning my business, my future, my kids future etc.
You're experiencing several classic symptoms of severe depression: failure to attend to self-care, lack of interest in activities you used to enjoy, inability to care for those you're responsible for, and thoughts of running away. All of these are normal, and not something to beat yourself up over, but they also need to be addressed. Marriage counseling, imo, is probably lower on the list of things you need therapy for than counseling that wil enable you to resume basic self-care. The thoughts of running away are especially worrisome, as they can be indicators of suicidal thoughts or desires that you may not have acknowledged or recognized (they were for me). Given all this, you need some form of psychological or psychiatric care ASAP. I don't know what resources are available in Canada, but if there's anything you can take advantage of, do so.
Mogget is right. Try to find an ctive way out of the depression if you are still able to try on your own. Talking to people, reading positive books, excercising, making schedule for regular eating, things like that. (*hug*)
My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation. I agree with Mogget. How is your sleep affected by this? How does your husband react to the changes in your behavior? If you are depressed you may need to get an antidepressant from a doctor. I suggest that you get yourself on the waiting list to see a psychologist, you can always cancel if necessary. Try to schedule at least one activity a day, like exercising, that could make you feel better, even if just temporarily.
Thanks for the advice. I will have to see a therapist as I cannot carry on like this. My sleep is horrible, I sleep about 4h at night and 2 during the day with the baby. That 2 hour nap during the day used to be my shower/take care of me time. But now its sit on the comp and research lbgt stuff. This week has been the worst, and my husband is gone from 7am-10pm, during the week so he hasn't noticed much. The real test will be the weekend, where the urge to avoid him and stay in bed all day happens. I just don't know what to do with myself, I think about being with my friends/a relationship with a woman all freaking day.
I think that you need to get better before thinking about being with a woman. It may sound harsh, but you can't expect a new partner to save you. You need to contribute to the relationship, especially in the beginning. It can be tough when the kids are small and your partner is away for a whole day. Try to find a friend, maybe with kids too. Not to ask them to help you with your kids and to take them out so that you could stay at home. But to go with them. To see people, to talk with them, to see the smiles of your kids. To see that with your kids your life is better and has its great meaning. You can't starve yourself, you could faint somewhere and what would happen with your kids at that moment? Besides, the lack of minerals influences the mood and also the depression. Your kids need to know and feel that you love them. ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2014 at 01:06 PM ---------- I think that you need to get better before thinking about being with a woman. It may sound harsh, but you can't expect a new partner to save you. You need to contribute to the relationship, especially in the beginning. It can be tough when the kids are small and your partner is away for a whole day. Try to find a friend, maybe with kids too. Not to ask them to help you with your kids and to take them out so that you could stay at home. But to go with them. To see people, to talk with them, to see the smiles of your kids. To see that with your kids your life is better and has its great meaning. You can't starve yourself, you could faint somewhere and what would happen with your kids at that moment? Besides, the lack of minerals influences the mood and also the depression. Your kids need to know and feel that you love them. Try to set some morning routines and some time for playing with the kids. When you make meals for the kids, have some too and chat with them. ((hug)) ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2014 at 01:08 PM ---------- gee, sorry, I should not post when the internet connection is bad.
I feel for you. As others have said, please see a therapist. They may be able to suggest changes to your situation or medication that might make it easier to cope. I've found that time away from kids can help. Make sure you force your self to reach out to friends. Go for a walk, a swim. Do the little things to make yourself feel better one step at a time. Eventually the weight on your shoulders won't feel so heavy.
@ Nick, thanks for the advice, I'm not too sure about the finding a friend right now. I tend to "fall in love" with almost every woman I get close to and things become even worse...I do play with my kids, but it's like I don't want to anymore. I just keep thinking about running away and how exciting that will be - it even keeps me up at night. And no worries on the internet connection, reading you post twice got it in my head more lol. @latebloomer, it snowed here in Canada and I have to shovel the driveway and pick up some stuff from my mother in law - who at this point I don't really want to see. I just don't know how to deal with gender stuff either - it's too much. I feel like I want to dress more masculine, but I don't own that kind of clothing, I want to shave my head and I was watching f-m transition videos on youtube last night. I could see myself possibly doing this?!
I think that you simply want a change. A big one. Perhaps you think that a really big change will make you happy. Yes, it can make you happy for some time, but I don't believe that shaving you hair, coming out to you husband as trans and leaving your family will make you happy. Don't fall for that trap. You will feel bold and great for about a week and then you realize that you still have the depression and a ton of new problems on top of that. I don't believe that running from your kids would make you happy. Perhaps you need a vacation alone. You don't have a job, you can't take the kids right now and leave. Your husband works two jobs, he can't take care of the kids either right now if you leave alone. I would say, take a deep breath and give yourself more time. A year? You need to get out of the depression, either by talking regularly to a therapist of by taking pills. I believe that a therapist would be better. After you get your emotional life together you can start thinking about breaking the family. Because I guarantee you, you will not get rid of the depression by running away from your family. Depression is a disease, it's not just a bad mood. If you don't care about taking shower or if your kid asks you why you don't love them anymore, you don't have just a bad mood. (((((hug)))))
Hi Nick, I understand your post and I want to believe you. My daughter asked why I don't love her because I'm preoccupied with my "new self" - its almost as if no one matters but this new person I have become (or let loose). I've had depression since I was 13 and the only thing that keeps it away if I find another girl to latch onto. I really hope I'm not trans, not that there's anything wrong with it. But I won't be able to handle it. I'm losing my identity at 30
You should work on it. Don't distract yourself by falling for every skirt you see, but by enjoying being with your kids. Yes, I know you need a break sometimes. But I guess you know what I mean. I am sure you love your kids, but if they don't feel it, something is wrong. Don't let them feel rejected or unloved. Kids can fall into depression too. I don't think that it would be wise to tell your husband you want to leave right now. Because the fact that you can't talk to your friends because you are falling for them - I am sorry to say that, but it's not very standard behavior. That's another reason why I think that there is a problem with your mind and emotions that you need to solve. And after you do and have clear mind, you can think again if you like staying with your husband or not.
I understand, I've been trying to back to the mom I used to be and took the kids out for a walk today, with all these thoughts on my mind. I am so out of it. When the excited feeling (not arosal) just general omg I can't wait feeling gets too strong, I have no idea how to relive it, sometimes I go to sleep. Ugh, I just can't figure this out in my mind and I think about it all day long Today I even forgot that I had an appoitment with a client! Even my job that I loved before annoys me now - more like I just wanna think about being gay all day long. I made an appointment to see a marriage therapist who specializes in lbgt issues...its like 3 months away
I am SO not a person to resort to pharmaceuticals, but BEG, you are obviously severely depressed, you're familiar with the symptoms yourself, and if healthcare options don't include a therapist in the VERY near future, how about an internist/General Practitioner? These docs can and at least according to my friends here in the states do write prescriptions for anti-depressants. I would strongly encourage you to get the very first appointment you can, with whatever MD is first available and tell that person what you are going through and feeling. Ask for help and be certain to explain your situation. Hell, print a copy of your first post in this thread, that should get the situation across clearly enough. You are not the only life at risk here. Even if you can't muster the energy or interest to care for your kids at the same level as you once did, realize that whatever happens to you will have a profound impact on the rest of their lives. Do it for them. I've been where you are. You've reached bottom, the only way out is up. I hope you look up, the view is great!
Agree with everything Dragonbait wrote. Been there too--well, not the woman part, but the depression part for sure. Haven't used anti-depressants since 1998, but they saved my life in 3 or four years till then. And yes, a GP can prescribe them, though a specialist in affective disorders is better, and some kind of talk therapy to go along with it is way, way important. I found affordable therapy by calling a suicide hotline at 3 AM in the middle of a panic attack, and getting recommendations from them. Like I said--it saved my life.
