I planned on coming out to my mom tonight. I was sitting in the living room with her about to come out. Right as I was about to do it my sister turned on some t.v. show with a gay couple on it I think it was house hunters or something. When it came on she instantly rolled her eyes and said "thats f****** disgusting I can't stand people like that". I got up right away and just went outside. It made me feel so worthless and so small I don't know what to do. I just don't understand how can someone be so closed-minded over something that they have no knowledge about. It just destroyed me on the inside when she said that. I tried to explain to her many times that homosexuality isn't a choice and there really is nothing wrong with it but she wasn't trying to listen to me about it. Im so lost on what to do...
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. It is hard for someone on here to help when we don't know what your mum is like so you may need to talk to somebody who knows her (like your sister). For all I know she may see homosexuality differently when she finds out her own son is homosexual. Best of luck to you!
That's what was going through my mind too. She may become more open to understanding it if she has that personal stake in it.
Well from personal experience, My mother has nothing against anyone who is Gay, Lesbian or Trans, But she has a very deep seated dislike of people she says acts like "Queens" and "Fairies", And since a lot of the time the people we son on TV and on any other media outlet are of a VERY flamboyant nature, She could be saying she dislikes that? Rather than the sexuality itself, Would help to maybe clarify with her?
That's horrible. I'm really sorry that happened. Please remember though that you're not worthless. Unfortunately, people do hold opinions without a rational reason for holding them. I'm sure hey opinion on homosexuality is just something horrible that she picked up in her upbringing and never took the time to question. These opinions can change, but often it can take time. That said, it probably isn't the right time right now to come out to your mom. Is there anyone else you could talk to? Your sister is a good idea, if you know that you can trust her.
Her opinions, however ill informed they are, are hers alone, and do not reflect on you. I know it is upsetting to find out that yours will not be an "easy" coming out process with her, as it is for some other people, but it does not change the fact that you are who you are, whether she likes it or not. You have not said now old you are or how dependent you are financially upon her, or what your relationship with your dad is like. Maybe you should not come out to her yet if you are financially dependent on her, and limit the process to an understanding "best friend" for now. Meanwhile, you can start working on her in a generic way, explaining to her that it upsets you that she is so hostile to gay couples, because you and all your friends accept people for who they are; maybe you can figure out what the basis for her problem is if you can talk about it with her. The conversation might provide an opportunity for you to reveal your secret to her if she asks you why you differ with her opinions. Be sure to mention to her that being gay is not a "choice", because people would not voluntarily choose to be in a minority that is discriminated against and treated badly by others if they are truly free to choose.
I think its a classic fear of the unknown, we all have it and I think thats the key to any prejudice. Its something she doesn't understand and isnt accustomed to seeing, but she will come around and she should. Most of the world is, as people are finding it easy and more normal in society. If you're sure of who you are then tell her
I'm really sorry that happened :icon_sad: Sometimes, parents say the stupidest thing and only with a little educating do they understand the enormity of what they say. My parents were like yours, its only after I told them repeatedly what I felt(*hug*) after hearing their comments, did they stop. You'll need a lot of courage and the road will at times be tough, but its a way to have your voice heard and stop these comments. Hugs to you (*hug*)
I have a different suspicion: If you've defended gay people to her repeatedly, and had discussions about how it isn't a choice and so forth... she probably already knows (or suspects) that you're gay. Remember that the 5 stages of loss (in this case, loss of perception that you're straight) are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So she may be unconsciously trying to push this idea away (denial) by saying these things, hoping that somehow, by voicing her feelings it will make you not be gay. This is a pretty classic behavior by parents who are processing feelings that their kids might be, or are, gay. SO the question is what to do. My guess is that unless she's really religious, she'll probably deal with it OK. It might be hard initially, and remember, too, that the next response after denial is anger (her response so far could also be part of the "anger" stage.) You haven't said how old you are, or whether there's a concern for your physical safety (i.e, whether she'd tell you to leave the house or something.) If that isn't a concern, it's probably OK to go ahead and come out, but just know it will likely be uncomfortable for probably a short while.
*sends hugs* I'm so sorry that had to happen. I definitely agree with Chip that she might already suspect, and be in one of those "stages". A lot of parents say things around their children completely oblivious that the things they say without thought could have a serious impact, even if they aren't speaking directly to you. Personally, I would have responded, with something like, "What people can't you stand, mom? Gays? Because that's me. Are you disgusted by me?" And I could see her backtracking fast. Faced with the truth of what she actually said, she'd have to re-evaluate if she meant it, what she was thinking, what she *really* thinks, etc. I hope when you do tell her, she actually thinks about who you are and how she feels about *you* before she responds.
Something similar happened to me long ago. I was feeling like the time for me to tell my mom had finally come, then when i was watching Ellen interviewing Ricky Martin on his coming out, she looked at me and asked if i would ever disappoint her like that.. But hang in there bud, i guess it just takes some people more time to embrace the fact then it does to others.
That is such a shame. Often people are homophobic for no reason at all, for example people use the word 'gay' as an insult in schools. People don't realise the enormity of what they are saying or thinking or even why they feel that way. I hope you keep us updated on here if you feel you need to speak about your feelings.
That's rough. My dad would said similar things before I came out to him. I remember when he said that he was glad Phil Robertson (Duck Dynasty guy) "put the homosexuals in their place." It cut me really deep. When I told my dad a few weeks later, he was shocked. He said he loved me, but doesn't support it, that I'm confused, and all that stuff. He's doing better now and it's only been a week. I'm thinking his opinion is starting to change and I hope your mom's opinion will change too.
Hi lostone, pleased to meet you. I’ m going to tell you what i once readed . Pardon my poor english. Racism and omophobia are not driven exclusively by reason , they are driven by emotions. Your mother sees gays an “out-group” , as strangers. Her group is implicitly considered "better" than the "other" that is written down or compared critically.As such her emotion towards “the other group” are mostly fear and disgust. To rationalize this emotions she gives birth to omophobic ideas like “they are worthless, they are a disgrace” and so on. And if she suspects something, these emotions are even stronger now, because she is afraid for you. BUT REMEMBER, THE LOVE SHE HAS FOR YOU IS STRONGER THAN THESE EMOTIONS. The bond mother-child is strong. It is made of steel. When confronted with the truth , at first she maybe disoriented, but chances are that with time she will change her ideas , or at least accomodate them to the new reality. Because she will not feel anymore fear or disgust like before because you being part of these group will be enough to change her perception of it. It will not be an "outgroup". In fact, with time she may even start to feel part of a new group, composed by gay and the people that accept them. I hope i helped you.
