Bromance with Married 40 Year Old - Is he trying to come out?

Hi,

As long as you have solid boundaries I think it is ok.

I have a very good friend who it is a joy to spend time with. I know if he was not married it would be a different story but because he is and I would never hurt my friend or his partner there are boundaries like you discuss.

If you can maintain the boundaries all is good.

Just my opinion.

Tom

---------- Post added 12th Jan 2014 at 04:42 AM ----------

Meant to mention...

I have a 37 year old friend. I am 55 and out. My opinion, he spends way too much time with me for him to be straight.

My gut says he is so deep in the closet the closet has closets, but I am "safe" to be around. I am safe because I fit no gay stereotype and in public only he knows I am gay and that appeals to him in some way.

I have no interest in him beyond being friends (I deem closet cases emotionally dangerous to get involved with), but I would love to see him out whatever he is hiding. For his own happiness.

Far too old to be alone, living at home, no girl, no public LTR.

 

If he offers to go beyond those set boundaries...then what?

Lex

 

@Etienne78, as a 41 year old man who came out to his wife over 3 months ago, what you've described is similar to the position I found myself in - but as the married man.

I saw the friendship and (the only word I can use to describe it): flirting, that was happening between me and the guy I met through work. I was physically attracted to him and the flirty chat and teasing that happened between us just intensified the feelings that began to develop. I'd always known that I was attracted to guys, from a young teenager, but I'd kept it all under relative check through most of my life. The stealing looks at guys during sports time, walking on the street, at the swimming pool, out in town, and so on. Online porn helped to satisfy the desires but suddenly meeting a guy that I immediately clicked with and there was a real chemistry there, brought it all home that how I felt was real - not just a sexual fantasy, but real.

We ended up going out for a drink and he raised the subject of our flirting and that he thought I was holding something back from him. We chatted and he asked me again, telling me that I could trust him if I wanted to tell him something. It was as if all my defences and illusions I'd built up over the years to deny the truth, were just swept aside and I ended up telling him I had feelings for him. To which he replied he felt the same.

I realised as the weeks went on that I couldn't hide from the truth any more. That the feelings I had always had for guys were not going to go away, even if I stopped seeing him. If it hadn't been him, it would definitely have been someone else that much I do know. Maybe not immediately, but within a year or so of that time, I'd have sparked with someone else. It just all spilled over.

Three months on since I told my wife, it has been hard, especially with Christmas and the New Year. I move out into my own place at the end of next month and we are trying really hard to plan a stable life for our two kids. I'll stay fairly close by, visit regularly and eat with them all, and vice versa. They'll spend a couple of nights a week at mine, and the rest at the family home. We are already thinking about organising weekends away with the kids, but mum and dad will be 'friends' rather than sleeping in the same bed. We haven't told them I am moving out yet - but I want to give them the reassurance that, although I live in a flat close by, I'll be here regularly and they can do things with me alone, with me and their mum, or with their mum alone.

Sometimes broaching the subject is hard - do I wish that he hadn't asked me that night? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I hadn't said how I felt about him. But something pushed me. Something inside felt it was the right thing to do, just as although I am scared about the future, it feels like the only way is forward not backwards. I now feel that I am being absolutely true to myself.

I think for your sakes, the public displays of friendship (you use quotes so it makes me think these are quite overt displays and taking the definition of friendship to a different level?). If you are happy with the way things are between you and you don't want it to develop further, then it sound fine, BUT, the perception might be formed that the friendship is actually something more than that. That, in itself, might get tricky if the partners became aware, especially if there are texts involved, and it was 'assumed' knowledge at work that you two were more than just friends?

 

Hi,

Being a single gay guy having a really strong friendship with another gay guy who is married to another man... I would not risk the boundaries and the friendship.

I am really happy to have him in my life. He reminds me there are guys out there I click with and have chemistry with, even though they may be a rare breed. They are out there.

Tom

 

Although it is logical to assume he values the emotional intimacy you share because, deep down, he's gay, that's not necessarily true. And even if it is, he may be so deep in the closet or so deep in denial that you'll never get him to admit he's anything other than straight.

Being in the closet for decades really messes with your head. Your friend might honestly believe that the feelings he has for you are entirely platonic and he's not gay because he doesn't fantasize about dick. If that is the case then confronting him or doing anything that makes the relationship suddenly uncomfortable for him might cause him to withdrawal all contact; rather than admit anything about his sexuality, he'll go deeper in the closet. Are you ready for that happen? (I'm not saying it will, I'm only saying it's a serious possibility you should consider.)

I totally agree with what you said above about the intensity of the emotional connection not being sustainable in the long-term. There will come a day and time when your relationship will naturally evolve, one way or the other. That change will happen when one of you needs it to happen - which might be you, very soon. If it's not you or if it's not soon, why not enjoy the friendship you have. You obviously provide each other a lot of comfort. Why pull that out from under yourselves, unless or until you feel ready for that happen?

If you do want to broach the subject I would suggest making the conversation about you and not about him. For example, you could say, "As a close friend, I want you to know that my relationship has been a struggle for me recently and the connection we have has provided a lot of support. At the same time, since I'm gay and you're not, there's a risk that, in my vulnerable state, my feelings for you could develop to be different that yours for me. I'm not saying that's happened, but it's a concern I've thought about. I'm telling you this only because we're such good friends and your friendship is important to me. I don't expect you to say or do anything, I'm just telling you what's been on my mind."

By making it about him, that will be non-threatening. Yet, at the same time, you've put your cards on the table and it's his turn to react. What he does over the next few days should be very telling. Does he continue as if nothing happens? Does he back-off? Does he confess anything himself? Whatever path he chooses, that'll tell you where his head is at. Once you know that, you can decide how to further proceed.

Please come back and tell us how it goes!

 

Hi,

As a once married (to woman) gay man I appreciate your insight and empathy.

Whether the failing relationship is gay/gay or gay straight the underlying issue is simply lack of connection.

There is a book you may want to read by Dr. Joe Kort; 10 Things A Gay Man Can Do To Improve Their Lives. Before you abandon your current relationship it would be a good read. We all tend to project all failure onto others and Kort puts that into perspective. The grass may be greener under your feet than you think.

Tom

 

As a gay man married to a woman, I have a deep friendship with a man who is in the same situation. We do not have a physical relationship of any sort, but see each other for lunches and occasionally take a hike together. We enjoy having someone who is a trusted friend, who understands the complexities of our two situations. We each have boundaries of not wanting to be anything more than friends, so I see nothing wrong in what I'm doing, nor do I see anything wrong with what you're doing.....unless you begin to feel it becoming emotionally unhealthy. Then, you may want to make some adjustments. Until then, you are probably both benefiting. Life is short. Why push people who care about us away?

 

You are going to have a better feel of the situation than you could explain in words.

I felt something similar to another guy a few years ago, I guess I was trying to keep the friendship going and sometimes I would give up on it, and then here from them again.

I think like you mentioned that they like the idea of a gay friend but don't want anything in their lives to change.

I would agree that some guys don't even know they could be gay, and think they are just being friendly.

I would almost suggest saying something to them; not too much but saying I think it is best that I don't talk to you, you have your wife and kids and I have my partner. If anything changes you know where to find me.

 

I couldn't help but notice that the title of your post makes it clear that your work bromancee (?) is 40 years old and that you mentioned you are 35. Does this 5 year age difference make a difference with respect to how you view your relationship with this guy? Does the age difference add some color to your story?

This thread is of interest to me because I have experienced a bromance with similarities to the one you describe (the story is in another thread). The bromance meant a great deal to me, and when my friend moved away, I considered it a major loss - a kind of void in my life. These days, I am constantly tempted to find new guys to start a bromance with in order to fill the void. I am married to a woman, however, and the fairly new development is that my wife discovered I am gay. We are still together, reconstructing our relationship now that the truth is exposed. My wife thinks it is inappropriate for me to establish a friendship with a male that could be described as a bromance. I reluctantly agree with her because I understand the danger that I could fall in love with another guy (essentially I would be playing with fire), but there is still this issue of the emotional void.

Currently, I find myself analyzing my various male colleagues, determining which ones I could have a potential new bromance with. It's like setting up a fire pit, but never lighting it. It can be pretty emotionally draining, but it feels as though it is something I have to do - not for any rational reason, it is more automatic.

 

Hi,

I cannot help with a MOM (mixed orientation marriage) as I cannot reconcile it in my mind.

To me it is too great a compromise. Others may have input for you.

Tom