The Band-Aid Got Ripped Off Today

I think all you can really do is keep talking to her.... I don't know if you've shared with her your thoughts from yesterday evening's post, but they were very heartfelt, and that's probably a good place to start. She needs to know that this is not just some excuse to move on, but a way for you to be a whole person, for them as well as you. You could tell her that the reason you TOLD her this, instead of just packing up and leaving, was so that you could work toward the future together, even if the end result is that you won't be a married couple. That you don't want to knock her and the kids down as you open the closet door, and you're not trying to escape--and you don't want HER to feel that she has to escape either. That you still want to be an active father to the kids and a friend to her, and that for what it's worth, you still love her, even if you can't be her lover.

I feel for you so much, tscott....It's a rough position to be in, knowing that shaking up someone else's life is the only way to make your own life tolerable and real. I truly hope she can freeze the frame long enough to see that. We may see our future with some as-yet nameless guy, but we want to salvage some of the relationship that we've spent years in as well. Keep in touch, friend.

 

Leaving the house is an unwarranted overreaction, as is "rushing in" to anything. You need to calm her down; get her some sedatives and a counselor (not a lawyer) right away. This is not an emergency like a fire in the house; call a doctor, not an ambulance.

 

I would suggest you ask her to do some couples counseling with you. It's as important to consider HOW two people separate, as it is for them to consider how to live together. It's often referred to in counseling settings as "de-coupling" therapy. Our lives are full of entanglements and interwoven elements. When we part suddenly and in haste, we forever damage each other in ways that cannot always be repaired. If you have children, there will NEVER be a point at which your lives don't have need of some sort of relationship. What does the new relationship need to be?

 

My wife has been consistently unwilling to see a therapist, even when the issue was simply that we had trouble getting along. That shouldn't stop you from seeing one by yourself, though, or trying to change how you present your own feelings and thoughts to her. You can't change a person, but if you change how you relate to them, they pretty much have to adapt in some way. Since coming out to my wife, I've made an effort to be more assertive and direct (not to the point of being threatening, of course--very challenging when dealing with someone as insecure and paranoid as she can be). Also a LOT more patient. This is brand new to her too, after all. And all in all, after 4 months, while we're not getting along like best friends by a long shot, we HAVE reached a kind of equilibrium that's livable for now. We're actually been out-and-out fighting less than we have in years, surprisingly enough.

Something else you can do during those stony silences is to do some mapping out of how YOU would like things to play out in the long run. You will always be dealing with other people and you can't control what they do or how they react, but it helps to have a few basic goals in mind. If you're in Milwaukee and want to get to Seattle, but don't have a map, you can still think about hitting I-94 towards Minneapolis and make a few guesses about where to head after that.

My end goal on a practical level is to lighten some of the debt load we're carrying so that when I leave, my wife can still keep the house. On a personal level, it's to miss as little as possible of what's left of my daughters' childhoods, and maintain enough civility between my wife and me that we can salvage some semblance of a friendly relationship. I don't want our 20 years of shared history completely flushed down the toilet, and I don't want to leave her emotionally shattered. I can tell you that I've done a lot of dancing around with all of those goals, and there have been days where I've asked myself why I didn't just pack up and start hitting Craigslist for any quickie I could get. But although this isn't exactly speeding along, I feel that it's how I need it to be.

A lot of your situation sounds very familiar. Be as patient and understanding as you can, but summon up all the strength you have. You will not wake up tomorrow and go "Wow! Today is 1000% better than yesterday!" But you make up next month and think, "Wow, this month has been a hell of a lot better than last month." Take care.

 

tscott,

i am going through the same thing. She wants to tell the kids so she could move on and have her boyfriends. The only real concern i have now is how this will affect the kids. They dont deserve to have divorced parents but is it worse to have them live like this anymore? I just cant bear the thought of not having a day to day life with them. I just dont know what to do now

 

It's hard things are changing no one likes change. Don't worry it will work out. It has too

 

Okay, I want to give you some advice TScott, but I want to clarify that I understand things correctly first. Are you saying that your wife outed you to your eldest daughter, AND told her that you've been cheating?

If that's the case, then in my opinion a red line was crossed right there. It not only begins to drag the kids into the situation, but it also involves a lie that slanders you in your daughters eyes. Unacceptable.

In one of your earlier messages you said that your wife told you that you needed to tell the kids. I didn't see in any of your later messages where you noted that you've done that. Assuming that the others still don't know, now that your eldest daughter is aware that you're gay, the chances of your other children finding out are very high.

I'd advise you to sit them down (without your wife) and talk to them. This preemptively prevents them from finding out in a manner that you can't control, and prevents your wife (or eldest daughter) from painting an inaccurate picture.

Finally, I recommend you speak to your wife about how things are unfolding. Let her know that it's unacceptable that she's involved your eldest daughter, and that she's lied about you having an affair. Just because you're moving to end the marriage, doesn't mean that she gets to slander you, shut you out of their lives, or turn you into some type of emotional punching bag. There is a line between being compassionate toward her feelings, and allowing her to engage in behavior that is destructive to you and your family.

You are not a villain.

 

Sorry Tscott,

From what ive read on your posts, you are doing this in a very compassionate and kind to your wife way.


And you are not sick and disgusting

 

One thing to remember is that none of this is anyone's fault. You are just playing the cards that you have been dealt. However, what does come into play is how we react to the situation. It is SO EASY to become angry, aggressive, defensive, etc. but that's only going to feel good for a very short period of time. Also, if your wife is in a very agitated state, your being in a similar state will only throw gasoline on the fire. There's a lot of pent-up anger and frustration. Sometimes we cope in a reverse manner by withdrawing, not speaking, etc. but sooner or later the anger and frustration will surface. If the situation goes to that, you can only make it worst.

 

The thing to remember is that there is a point at which people stop listening. If there is something that needs to be discussed, presented, a decision made, etc. staying away from that point is significant. Rarely does anything good happen once that point is past...

 

Sure...

This relates to situations where something has to get discussed and decided, or at least understood. I think between you and your wife there is A LOT of anger and frustration just below the surface. Maybe she has been very quiet, as you said, because she knows that if she started taking or listening, that anger and frustration would come out. Hard to say, but it's a possibility.

But, anger has the tendency to blind us and we just focus on the rage inside. If it is her, she won't be capable of hearing much of what you might say because the anger and rage is so strong. It tends to drown out everything.

As a case in point, have you ever listened to someone as they vented? They are stuck on getting out whatever is on their mind. Anything that you say will have a hard time penetrating...

So, as you talk to your wife, it is good not to let the conversation sink into a place where the rage and anger takes over. Works both way, too. Remember the old saying:

"When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is hard to remember that the initial objective was to drain the swamp...".