I'm so afraid, it's eating away at my soul

If you believe in God then you must believe that He makes no mistakes. Since He made you, you cannot be a mistake. Therefore you are exactly as He intended you to be. If you are as God meant you to be how would you be sinning by being the person He made?

God is Love. You are loved.

 

Hi Brad. From my perspective, you're okay just the way you are. Let me repeat that: you're okay. In fact, I would say that you're far more interesting than the average person. Also, you are extremely bright. The way you entertain all these conflicting arguments and make them all make sense and show how they all inherently contradict is really amazing. Also, don't worry too much about the nightmarish thoughts you have from time to time. It's okay to deeply question the world around you and even to drive yourself insane some of the time. It doesn't reflect badly on who you are as a person. Also let me say this. I think that deep down, you know that being gay is just fine. It wasn't your choice; you know this. Logical arguments are wonderful, interesting things but I think that sometimes, they can just be a cover for simple emotional pain. I think this pain for you is that you don't want to be gay, deep down, because for whatever reason, it's not the way you were supposed to be. It's really hard to accept yourself in this situation, and it's made extremely harder by all the external shit like religion saying you can't be this way or society saying you can't be this way or people saying you can't be this way or other such nonsense. On an important side note, I think you might like using your mind on some other endeavour. Perhaps you like to write or make poetry or music or math or physics or something else. I think it might help you to use your intelligence to logically dissect something other than just being gay Best of luck.

 

Let me say right away that I am not religious at all. I'm an atheist, and honestly, while I don't have anything against religion as such, I feel a bit bitter about the church as an institution. Why? Because historically, it's been a pretty hateful, close-minded and all-around terrible organization. They burned smart, rational people for telling the truth. But that's in the past, fine. Today's church is nowhere close to that - except when it comes to being close-minded. It relies on a set of morals that were conceived a very, very long time ago, in a society that has nothing in common with the one we live in. And here is why that's relevant - the Bible was written by the church. You can believe that its contents came from God himself, but there is no denying that the text has suffered many changes since the original. They were introduced by humans - imperfect, flawed human beings, with their own set of prejudices, character flaws, and sometimes they were terrible people. So the concept of hell itself may have come from God, but could you believe that a loving God would banish people to a place as horrible as that? I couldn't. You can't think of yourself as evil. There is a very simple way to figure out if you're evil - do you intentionally cause harm and pain to other people? Do you do it just because you want to see them suffer, and not in defense? I can't imagine you do. I understand that religion is important to you, and I'm not trying to bash it, but many of the morals that are widespread among Catholics today are horribly misguided, and cause more harm than they protect from. Christians are not a homogenous group, and neither are just Catholics. There are many differing opinions, many discussions, interpretations. You have every right to interpret your religious teachings the way you see fit, and you have no obligation to be as close-minded as those before you - after all, the church had to accept eventually that the Earth does, indeed, revolve around the Sun. I believe that in some 50 years the church will accept members of the LGBT community as equal to everyone else, because they WILL get equal rights in any healthy society. And any institution that tries to oppress any group will fail. That doesn't mean that the religion of Christianity will fall apart as well - it will just become more open, decentralized and - healthy. Many people today practice unhealthy religion, calling themselves religious but only praying when they need something, or not at all. They go to church just so they could say they do, talk about how few people go to church, and how much better they are than these "godless" people, insulate themselves from other faiths and use their religion as an excuse to hate. Don't let those unhealthy beliefs get to you - they are just plain wrong. Christianity has some beautiful sentiments, its values are great, and condemning people because of something they can't control is utterly un-Christian. So please, don't worry yourself over hell. You are not going there because you're gay. I would gladly bet my life on that (and whatever comes after .
Whew, long post. Hope I didn't bore you too much.

 

Furr, what an excellent first post! Welcome to EC.

 

The bible also says that a senior citizen rounded up two of every animal. Which would be impossible considering the in-breeding that would have happened. Don't believe the bible word for word. I'm not an atheist but the bible has bean changed so many times for different peoples own well being. Also no one has translated the bible correctly and there are four things in the bible about not being straight. Yep I'm not even joking. There are only to things against being gay in the bible. Also get a therapist.

 

Whoa, XTREMEZish, you must have been born 50 years old! What wisdom you have for one so young. In my book, you rock! Also, I really like your sense of humor!

 

Brad
I agree that homosexuality and being a devout Christian are not mutually exclusive. Some of my best friends are gay and very much devoted to their Christian faith. At the same time it is crucial that you stick to your moral values while accommodating your sexual orientation. Many Christian gays say they are more readily accommodated by their church than gay communities accepting their faith.

Do not punish yourself, God created you like this, please don't loose your faith.

Paul

 

There's hope. Try visiting a Metropolitan Community Church, or a progressive United Church of Christ congregation. One or both of these churches may be found in most cities.

These churches are unabashedly Christian, but do not teach anti-gay or sex-negative dogma. MCC, in particular, has a lot of "lapsed Catholics" as members. (These are both technically Protestant denominations, though.)

There has been a lot of religious scholarship in the last 20 years about what the Bible does / does not say about gays. There are only six passages (out of thousands in the entire book) that are quoted to condemn gays. A literalist interpretation of these passages is responsible for most of the religious homophobia in the US.

However, those same Biblical literalists have made exceptions for other things that are not permitted under the Leviticus holiness codes (such as eating shellfish). I can't think of a time that fundamentalist Christians picketed a Red Lobster.

Social norms change across different times and cultures. Christianity has lasted for 2,000 years because it can gradually adapt to these changes.

What to do? Find a progressive Christian church, and study the Scriptures from a different perspective. Then you can find self-acceptance, and integrate your sexuality with your religious beliefs.

EDIT: Surprisingly, there are currently no MCC churches in Arkansas. Traditionally, they have done well in conservative "Bible Belt" states. For other alternatives, see this link: http://www.gaychurch.org/list-churches-by-state/?loc=AR. There is even a gay-affirming Independent Catholic church on this list (in Texarkana).

For others reading this, change the last two characters in the URL to your state's two-letter abbreviation to find a more accepting congregation in your area.

 

Lost,

I hesitated for several minutes before trying to write this post, because of the bolded sentence above. I appreciate the agony you feel right now, I do. But does the Catholic church, seriously, still think that masturbation is a sin, and a mortal sin at that? All of that comes from one line in the Old Testament about spilling your seed. There's a whole historical context and layers of misinterpretation around that one line.

And brother, I have to tell you, if masturbating and porn (I think of Playboy and Playgirl in my day) are truly mortal sins, then heaven is a lonely place indeed. And I truly mean that. Take it from someone as old as I am. Even married men masturbate from time to time. Sexual release is primal; it's built into our DNA as a species. I masturbated from the age of 12, when I first figured out how. And I felt guilt and shame around it, and swore each time that I wouldn't do it again. But guess what? That's right, a day, or two days (or sometimes, three hours) later, I'd be at it again.

I'm not religious, so I never faced the dilemma with as much despair as you do. So I guess I'd just ask this: Would God have made sex (or masturbation) feel so damn good if he/she intended for us not to engage in it? I don't think God, if you're a New Testament kind of person, could be that cruel.

 

Brad

I think pure self indulgent sexual interaction with another person,in the absence of a loving relationship is not OK. ( although some would disagree).Excessive masturbation or porn addiction is only going to give you temporary relief, but will probably cause you to feel worse about yourself afterwards. Excessive masturbation and constant porn watching is understandable in your situation, but it may be a way of avoiding and not addressing the true underlying conflict. Resolving the real conflict is much more painful and difficult, so the porn may have the role similar to a sedative which relieves your horrible discomfort only temporarily.

I really urge you to get a therapist that you feel comfortable with and with whom you could work with in long term therapy. I think it is wonderful that your mother accepts you, whatever your sexual orientation. Not many parents are so accepting.

It seems you have some aspect counting in your favour. I think you need objective guidance to place things in perspective for you, and get you to a point where you are less self destructive. I had been self destructive after my coming out but my therapist got me over that.

Love

 

Brad,

I want to apologize for my glib response above. It was coming from my belief system, not really responding to the dilemma you're facing. After reading Paul's comment, and re-reading my own, I realize that I had just expressed a variant of the "come on, just get over yourself" argument, and I had not intended to do that.

You are obviously a very thoughtful, articulate, and serious young man (and I mean that as a compliment).

I echo Paul13's advice. Way better than what I said.

/Ed.

 

Wow, Brad. Pretty big realization and admission, don't you think? I do. As others have said here, time for a therapist, and not one who will merely reinforce your sense of guilt.

We all do what we have to do in order to survive, because survival is a basic, primal need. And that's all you've done--you've tried to survive. And now you realize that survival isn't enough--you need to actually live. You are not a pollution and a lie; you are human. You are split in two, as so many of us are. And it's time to get together with yourself and have a real conversation.

It sounds like you're ready for that conversation, though you may need the help of others to do it. That's why therapists are out there, and that's why we're in here. Welcome to the community!

/Ed.

 

Please tell me that this is just snark, or that this "religious counselor" is not someone who'll tell you it's wrong to be gay. I don't know you well enough to know...

 

OK, I feel a bit better... Good luck with it all. I'd really like to hear your story as it evolves, so I'm going to try to "friend" you here. Hope it's OK.